you know, the hardest part of a project is getting started…so i am going to stop talking to you now as if we are strangers who first met, and begin to tell you all i would normally write to you tonight. well, and more i am sure.
i hear less and less from you as time goes by and my heart aches. i enjoy whatever scraps i get throughout the day but if it was up to me i would hear from you almost constantly…like schoolchildren in love. ah, “in love!” that phrase is thrown around so carelessly nowadays.
i tell you that i love you more freely, and with more ease, than you do with me. sometimes i wonder if it’s because you don’t love me and, therefore, don’t enjoy saying it? or perhaps it is because you do love me, and it scares you? i am a woman, a hopeless romantic! i will, of course, go with the latter. besides, forbidden love…it has the air of an elegant old love story. a story, that if written correctly, would be magnificent! filled with lust, betrayal and forbidden fruit. we are a best-selling novel, in my own mind.
reality is that you love me like one would a bunny-cute, cuddly, fragile. in order for me to go on with this life right now, though, the love you have for me is raw. you want what you can’t have, just as i want what i can’t have. and it kills me. sometimes the urge is so strong, i feel like every bone will break and every vein will burst if i simply cannot have you, in some way, within the next five minutes!
i never do burst, though. the pain is very real…but i am never put out of my misery. for, the next day i wake up and you are my first thought. all day long, you are the only driving force i have. as the day winds to a close, i normally end it with conversation with you. never in person…but beggars can’t be choosers.
today i watched “dances w/wolves” again. yes, i know i have seen it a million times. but you know he is my first husband and we have been in love for almost 30 years now, e. so if i cross it flipping channels, i stay on it. if i am in a mood, i put it in and watch it. kevin always knows what to do for me. he knows.
there are a couple of love scenes in the movie that are just…brutal. i watched them and you were in my mind. like a ball of fire you traveled from my head, all the way down my body to my toes and back up again. you centered yourself in my chest like white lightening. so strong and so fierce was your calling, i almost passed out.
i have desired men before, e. you know this. but i have never been pulled towards another man with such urgency as i am with you. never has a man been able to light even the slightest part of me on fire while he is miles away. my pinky…my ear…my elbow. from the smallest and most insignificant parts to the parts that make you weak.
you remain in another town while i am watching a love scene with two people i do not know. my entire body temperature rises and my heart skips a beat, or two…or three. my breath catches. you turn to fire in my body leaving no spot left unburned. my neck has a small bead of sweat on it. my breast firms as your fire spreads down. again my breath catches. i send you a message.
messaging is my saving grace, i suppose. i’m sure you would agree. if not for email, text and messaging i’d be dead by now. ah, so YOU would call it my “saving grace.” i would call it the “thorn in my side.” yes. a thorn.
like i told you yesterday: you should’ve just left me. just like johnny tells june in “walk the line”. you should’ve just left me 6 years ago, e. you should’ve just left me 5 years ago. you should’ve just left me four years ago…three years…two years…one year…two months ago. if you had, i would be gone from this world…and the world would be better for it. and i…i would be at peace.
e, you show up. you show up, you pick me up and you take me away, metaphorically speaking. why? we are friends. we are soul mates…but you save me to leave me. you never actually leave, but you disappear for bits of time. each time you walk away, another piece of me dies.
see, you are not just my friend…everything inside of me is tied to everything inside of you. my soul knew you before we ever met. and you have said the same. we have both said that we have loved each other for years. truth be told, e, i loved you before i knew you. i loved you the minute i was born. maybe you loved me, too, the minute i was born.
i missed getting to talk with you tonight. i am so empty. i am so empty of you. i need you. you settle me. you keep me safe. you take all of my shattered pieces that are scattered so far out, and you pick them up. one by one.
i have no center because i have been shattered into tiny pieces and scattered throughout the world by hands that were not my own. while you pick up the pieces, you fill my empty center with warmth and safety. love. you do not do it because you are obligated. you do it because you love me.
one day, though, i woke up and i saw you in a different light. i told you about it. one day you woke up and saw me in a different light. you have yet to admit it fully. just a hint here and there. it is ruining us…your denial. i cannot live without you. you must confront me. you must confront yourself. we must figure this out together. i WILL not live without you.
so out with it. the next time we see each other just say it. say it out loud, to my face. do you remember the message you sent me that one time that had a list of things that you found attractive about me? tell me those again. i have forgotten. tell me those again, to my face. slowly. quietly. whisper them to me, so that maybe i will believe you this time. i never believed you before. how could someone as beautiful as you be attracted to…this…me? so tell me again. stand close to me. let me feel your breath on my skin.
remember the time something was said that wasn’t phrased very well and i started to spiral? which lead to you spiraling because you were broken that i was broken. you began pacing, and i fought to breathe. then the tears came and you lost more control.
you could not handle me like that…because of what you had said…the way you had accidentally worded it. you paced and you held your head. you would look over at me and you sounded angry at the time. you weren’t. i was trying not to pass out. my breathing had become erratic. you kept saying, “great. just great. you know, i can’t do this. i said that isn’t…” and you’d stop. you’d never finish your sentences. you had a hard time looking at me.
finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, my breathing was getting worse. silent tears were falling like a steady rain. you had gotten your heart rate up to a dangerous level. you said, “ok. i’m just done with this.” and i shook my head yes, because i could not speak. i went to get my things, but there you were. out of nowhere, there you were. right there. you said “p, look at me.” but i did not. i could not. you repeated yourself a few more times. my head was too heavy to lift. my body was too heavy to move.
you moved closer. my heart rate increased. my breathing became even faster. you took my left hand and placed it around your waist. you had your right arm around me, as instinct had me struggling to move back. you said, “you put your hand on my back. put your arm around me. do it.” and on shaky ground i slid my arm around you. i heard your heart stop.
right as soon as my right arm was just making it around you, you wrapped me with your other arm and held tight. i tensed up. you didn’t budge. we stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, but in reality was only mere seconds. you kept repeating “i have you.” in my ear.
you later told me that you saw…you felt my soul that day.
my guard dropped. my breathing leveled, my eyes closed and my hands were all the way around you now. you were still holding onto me with force. no one or nothing could have gotten to me during that time. i took my first real breath then…the first in my life. i inhaled you so deeply your scent filled my soul. you smell like…perfection. i let my head rest against your chest. you said again, “i have you.” i was still spilling silent tears…i took a fistful of your sweatshirt in the back in an effort to get even closer…and something snapped in you.
you suddenly pushed me away. you resumed your panicked state and i, in turn, went right back to where i was…but with a deeper hole to fall down in. we fell apart fast. we both had to leave so we left at the same time. the fresh air felt like heaven. i tried to take steady breaths but just couldn’t do it. i was going to pass out. you walked me to my car. you had tears in your eyes. “are you going to be ok?” you asked. i nodded “yes.” unable to speak.
you got in your vehicle and drove off. i got in mine, popped a handful of pills and sat in it for about 20 minutes. i fell apart. i could not get it together to drive. i was shaking so badly. i was almost sick. i was not ok.
the thing is, part of it was because of what you said, e. ah, but baby, the main part was because you had me in your arms and pushed me away. i was not ok because for the first time in my life i got to take a real breath. for the first time in my life, i felt 100% safe. for the first time in my life, i was in your arms. for the first time in my life, we were bound together so tight. for the first time in my life…i was yours. i knew, see. i knew that life would never live up to that moment again. so far, i have been right.
so now, do it again. you come and you stand in front of me, e. be as still as you want…don’t even touch me if you don’t want to…but it’s time. it’s time to admit that you felt it, too. it’s time to figure out if you still feel it. it’s time to figure out if you are still attracted. it’s time to admit that you were, so that i no longer have to feel crazy.
stand in front of me and say it. say it all. make eye contact with me. truths are allowed in forbidden love…they just rarely make a difference. let me rephrase. they make a difference, a painful difference. forbidden love truths generally confirm what the very name says: that yes, you do love me. yes, you do want me. yes, you do think about me all of the time. and yes…none of it matters because all of it is forbidden.
i don’t care, though. i have to know. i felt it. i can see it. my intuition tells me it. you need to tell me it. and i need to feel your warmth again, even if you are an inch away. i need to feel your breath on me…even if you are an inch away. you need to feel me, even if i am an inch away.
i need to hear you tell me that you love me. i need to hear all of the compliments that you once wrote to me. i need to know if you meant them…or if you were just being kind.
kiss me once for confirmation.
kiss me twice for affirmation.
kiss me thrice for assertion.
e, come to me sooner rather than later. i might actually explode…the pain might kill me…you are torture. torture worth dying for.
i love you.
“soulmate. a person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet. a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. as this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.”