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dear i & friends,

it’s somewhat of a big day for you and me. i suppose that each day is a big day for us, but in terms of numbers, 5 just has a nice ring to it. also, 5 happens to be my favorite number.

then, if you add the word “years” behind the 5 it gives it an extra flair. we deserve the extra flair because saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. not once, not twice, but a million times i’ve said goodbye. each and every day i unfortunately wake up in this miserable world, i say “no” and i say “goodbye.” the amount of times lessens as we grow further apart with time, but you are always here waiting for me. you sit silently in the background, patiently.

you and i thought we would be together forever. we met when i was young…and you were so inviting. i already knew most of your friends, if not all. but when we locked eyes, you became the one that i adored.

casual at first. always. we’d spend time together here and there. after all, i was spending regular time with a couple of your friends, too. oh, i! you were so much fun!!! you made me free in ways i never knew i could be.

eventually we were inseparable. i didn’t want to start my day without you. with you, i started my day off with a smile. breathing you in through my nose. i can’t believe how lucky i was to have found you. you made me the happiest i’d ever been in my life. that remains true, to this very day.

your friends still came by and hung out. they were always welcome. i really loved some of your friends, i. we all always had such great times together. years and years passed and we enjoyed a fairytale love without any consequences. you seemed too good to be true.

you were. i eventually fell in love with you somewhere along the way. breathing you in through my nose was not enough to satisfy my craving. i needed all of you. i needed as much as i could get, as fast as i could get it. i had to start inhaling you through my mouth. my need for you was unbearable. i ached for you and you made me beg. beg.

i did, too. with each breath i took, you took a piece of me. ironically, we were exchanging

…a life for a life.

the more i took, the more you demanded. the more you demanded, the more i craved. you were my center. my life revolved around you. i was your center. without me, you had no life. i gave life to you.

changes started to happen. i was becoming who you wanted me to be. emaciated…dark circles…thinner and thinner. thinner was just fine by me, though. i am a woman. the thinner the better.

my father died in 2010. remember? it was sudden. he was a mess. that’s a whole different letter that won’t be addressed to you. you comforted me in my time of despair. you surrounded me like a warm blanket. i, you made everything disappear so that it was just us. we were all i needed.

you gave me strength when i was weak and courage when i was a coward. you gave me a false sense of worth, but only at the times you chose. one by one, you took out my things and replaced them with yours. by that time, a shell is all i wanted to be.

we were perfect for each other from the start. with my self-loathing to the point of self-destruction and your undeniable need to destroy, we were soul mates. i would’ve went down with you even further into the pits of hell, had someone not intervened. i loved you more than anything. i loved you more than anyone. alive, you were. and we had a passionate romance that lasted so very long.

do you remember the day when we broke up? it was in september of 2012. like all breakups, ours was rocky. that first year we were back and forth…we were ross and rachel. i wasn’t alive without you, and you were not alive without me.

however, we were dead together. we were a train wreck surrounded by fire with black flames. nothing could put us out. we burned so hot and black as night.

until one day i looked at you and walked away.

no reason in my head. just followed my feet. clarity wouldn’t come until years later. in fact, clarity still comes. so i have no explanation to give you for my departure.

it wasn’t because i stopped loving you. i love you still. i love you more than anything. i love you more than anyone. perhaps those are the reasons i walked away. we had no boundaries.

5 years later and i have days where i want to see you again. not many, but some. when i do they are intense. they are never accompanied with the desire to breathe you in and use you like i used to, though. when i left you, i left your friends, too. i miss them at times, as well.

i see that they, as well as you, are all doing well out there in the world. i must admit that that pisses me off. the thought of you all using and abusing others, trapping the unknowing and the innocent.

so many out there who aren’t like me. i knew who you were when we got together. i knew who i was. they are lost on roads that only people like me know how to get to. the numbers are too great. the casualty count is too high.

and yet, a part of me still loves you. the devil himself. you bring me to my knees.

it’s a good thing the Jesus picked me up and set me on my feet.

i, it’s been a long 5 years. let’s not talk again for another 5 years.


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