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dear e,

in the aftermath of last night, and what just happened tonight, i find myself feeling very unsafe. sometimes life just picks you up, spins you around and places you down again…to watch you stumble, trying to regain your balance. and then life laughs and laughs. it’s a child’s game. when you belong to the heavy hitters club, life flat out sends an earthquake and splits the ground you are standing on in two.

there you are, with one foot on one side and the other foot on the other side. what is in the middle? nothing. air. eventually a very hard landing that you will never make it to…you will die somewhere in the fall.

the earthquake makes you shaky, too. not only are you no longer on solid ground, but your being is no longer solid. how are you supposed to get to one side or the other when your legs are like rubber? they cannot withstand the move. you are stuck where you are at until you give in. when you give in, are you going to just take the dive forward, or lunge for a side (which would be futile)?

i don’t have to decide most of the time. why? because you are always there, e. you always run and grab me when i dive forward. i never lunge to one side…i never waste time on things that are pointless. ever.

how? how do you know? i know how you know lately…but there have been times when you have come at me out of nowhere, like a strong and powerful mythical force. when you grab me from my inevitable fate, you grab me with such strength and purpose that you pull my soul first and then my body catches up. you hold on tight. even after we are both on solid ground. you hold on tight because you know that my first instinct will be to turn around…

the gap in the earth keeps getting larger as the earthquakes increase in magnitude. i feel unsafe all the time. insecure. threatened. inside i am always on guard. i can never breathe. my chest is always tight. i am always looking down.

until you. i look up to see you. “look in my eyes,” you say. i feel you before i see you. i see you before i feel you. everything is entwined together like two that have become one. when i see you, i inhale…exhale. inhale…exhale.

the closer you get, the safer i become. when you get close enough for me to smell you, my chest loosens and i no longer focus on my breathing. it falls in step with yours and you guide it for however long we are together.

i move to you. sometimes you move to me, sometimes you stand still…sometimes you move away. you move to me. sometimes i move to you. sometimes i stand still…sometimes i move away. everything is fragile and urgent.

there is no other choice for me, though. i need you. you calm me. you go into the darkest part of me and come out whole…exhausted, but whole. you leave a little light when you go in, and you take a little of the poison out. no one else makes it out…or has bothered to go all the way in.

close enough will never be close enough. instead, i want all of you inside of me. over me. around me. i want to hear your voice in my ears and taste you on my lips. the closest we can get, i want. and i just want you. you. i want to feel you quiver when you finish…as much as i want you to wipe away every tear that falls onto my face.

hold me when you see me. hold me in secret, i do not care. in the bathroom, lock the door and pin me. hold me as a protector and not as a lover, if you wish. i am desperate for both parts of you, e. calm the inner storm that has been raging inside. it won’t listen to me. provide me relief…whisper in my ear that you love me…and that you will keep me safe.

continuing on empty…will only work for so long. i need touch. i need your touch. your touch. warm. calm. loving. soothing.

wrap your arms around me and let me bury my face in you. let me breathe you in. if we stay like that for long enough, the noise will go quiet…and i might feel 100% safe again.

or give me more. be inside of me. body, mind and soul. take away all of my thoughts and let all of my emotions center.

make sure i’m 100% safe by not allowing anywhere for anything or anyone to pass. save me from the nothing. breathe life into me and don’t let me go again. don’t let me go. i keep returning to the place where fate lives.

stop being so…and just take a fucking look at me. for once just act on instinct and impulse. if you did, i know what you would do. you would be allowed into the darkest and most treacherous part of my soul…and i would feel safe.

i love you.


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