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dear d,

sometimes you come at me with such fury and heat, you knock me off of my feet. you grab me by my neck and drag me up the wall. i’m held there for minutes, until everything starts to fade. right when i’m on the edge you pick me up by my neck and throw me across the room.

you used to be air. you were nothing and everything all at once. now, you are the most handsome man i’ve ever seen. you wear the most expensive suit. you move effortlessly, as if everything ceases to exist when you move over it. everything you pass looks down. you are so beautiful it hurts.

i don’t look down. you cannot flow over me with ease. but i long for you in a dangerous way. longing for you at all is deadly. sometimes i call you to come. sometimes you come uninvited. whenever you come, you take everything from me and leave me as just a pile of nothing on the floor where you drop me.

i long for your painful and punishing touch. you make me feel when i am numb. you make me hurt…because i deserve it. sometimes you ignore me and make me earn the pain. the chase. the slow self-destruction that only the true self-loathers can achieve. slow torture preceded by complete death…at an unknown date.

there are nights when you come in my home with a fury. red hot and ready to take out all of hell on me. on these nights, sometimes you are invited…but most of the time now you just let yourself in. i gave you a key a long time ago.

sweat drips off of both of us on these nights. if i am looking for even more pain, i push you back. you love those nights the most. blood splatters the walls. desolation burns in my eyes. i have nothing to lose.

tears never come on the rage fueled evenings. the speed with which you come, the stamina we both have to continue that speed, and the hate that spews so fluidly from both of us leaves no room for tears. no, the tears never come with the external rage. external rage has only one emotion: self-hatred.

when you come to me, like a hunter coming for its prey, those are when the tears flow like rain. i never feel you coming. you slip in without notice. it’s like a right cross the boxer never blocked.

still in your suit, still the most handsome man i have ever seen. once inside you either begin ripping me apart violently or you start small and work your way up. a slow, but growing tide. both equally painful. but one more deadly than the other.

you are never invited inside anymore, but you changed the locks the last time i let you in and now i have no control. you come and go as you please. when inside my personal home, you take things without permission. you move things around.

starting out slowly is the least painful. you take your time building up the pain. i have a warning. there is a siren that goes off. precautions can come before you get out of hand.

when you come inside and slam the door behind you, then instantly start throwing things around…these are the most devastating moments. you claw at me from the inside. this part is not a game for you. i am not involved. i have no say. i beg you to stop. you never do.

like a tornado you come in and wipe out everything beautiful and wonderful that was being built and that had been given. you have confused my personal home as your own. seeing any light inside angers you. you only see death in your eyes. everything else must go. everything.

you rip everything apart with everything you have. your body, your teeth and your fire…that burns with black flames. black flames that destroy everything they are around…except for you. they bow down for you. no survivors.

i am caught off guard when you come in so hard and fast. it sends me into a tailspin. the downward spiral is more like a free fall. free falls are dangerous. many decisions made during free falls are made out of desperation. i have somehow been rescued from so many free falls, during free falls now, it is now a do or die situation.

when you come in lit up with your fire and i get no warning, you take over my mind, too. things begin to scramble. everything starts moving at a speed i cannot keep up with. hundreds of thoughts at once turn into the old tv noise. that is what i see, and that is what i hear. deafeningly loud and deadly silent all at once.

my physical body becomes a slave to my mind. chest pains begin after my breathing pattern starts to change. at first it gets heavy, and then in an instant…it’s gone. i can no longer breathe. i have to fight for every breath i take. my sight, my hearing, my heart, my lungs…they all start to die.

panic sets in all over. panic. meanwhile, you still rage. you never tire. you will not stop until i am unable to go on.

i used to welcome this. i’d meet this with loves i’d been unable to live without. loves that you used as silent partners. your silent partners drowned out what you were doing inside, so i cared not.

your silent partners are gone. you have no buffer. i feel everything. you take advantage of my quiet stillness with Him. there is a time frame you have. i know. He knows. you know. He knows how it will end. you know how you want it to end. i just want it to end.

when the panic sets in and i am falling apart, your chances are greatest of winning. in fact, as you are aware, over the last few months…in my hand has held my fate. fate. with the same shaky hand fate fell. a text, a promise, a medication…all took fate from my hand over the last few months. and one single breath that i know you did not provide was the difference between life and fate.

my breathing abilities are gone now. He is hidden behind fog. you are now appearing in irresistible human form and your inner tornado rage attacks are more frequent. nothing beautiful and good lasts in there for more than the second it was placed. fate is always within arms reach. you are taking my mind and my entire inside being.

i now walk around an empty shell. an empty shell that you made entirely by yourself. you have no partners this time. for some reason you are doing the job entirely on your own.

there’s always the unexpected twist, though. always. a twist even i do not understand. you desire for me, and i desire for death…but He refuses to let me go. i cannot see Him or feel Him, but He can see and feel me.

you two are not friends. you will only be given so much time. you know this. we have been through life and death situations before. the last time He got tired of both of us and completely picked me up and hid me from you for months and months.

this time, the twist is different. for whatever reason, He is still giving you time. and you are taking advantage of every second. however, He has picked me up and placed me half in and half out of another person.

a person. i am half hidden from you, because this person would die before letting you have me. i am half available to you…and we both know why.

you are stubborn, though. you want me for some reason. you come with your fire, through the available part and burn the inside of me inside of the other person, too. a process that does not leave you unscathed.

He burns you. white. deadly. hot and cold. day and night. His fire outshines, out burns and outlives yours. and yet you risk it. you take the pain.

the available part of me, you still own. the part of me that is placed inside another person, you take. this person has to keep constantly filling that side of me up…or death will conquer. i cannot live on nothing any longer.

if this person decides to take all of me in, you will no longer have access to me. you know this. i have your claw marks all over from where you have been holding on and pulling. this person pulls sometimes, and pushes sometimes. when i am pushed, you pull. you take advantage.

all of my energy goes into breathing. waking up. looking at you. putting down fate that you keep placing in my hands. all of my energy keeps going into not asking you to give me fate…to put fate in my hands.

you and i know that this other person was given an impossible task…? between the two of us, am i even repairable? this other person…will they last? will they leave and abandon me in your hands?

i know one thing, if He put me in this person…then you know what to expect.

after last night, though…and the absence of this person…and the battle you raged inside of me, i am numb. numb. numb is more dangerous than anything. numb has no thoughts, no regard, no value. numb will absentmindedly take whatever is placed in its hand and use it, because numb just doesn’t care.

let the war rage on…a worthless war for a worthless cause.


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