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penelopie wilson

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translations

dear e,

i saw you yesterday. we had a nice, short visit. things seemed to flow easily. for once there was no big argument when we were together. a miracle!

our brief time in passing left me sad, though. brief time in passing…i prefer false hope. right now i cannot afford to think about the truths. all of my energy seems to be going into refusing my fate. wanting you gives me a second to catch my breath from resisting the inevitable. also, wanting you is something that my body has taken over, to some extent. as most of us are, i am no different; a slave to my body.

brief passings are never long enough. we fly by, in and out of each other’s lives like hummingbirds. beautiful, fast, and hover long enough so that you know just what they are. it’s an amazing sight to see, but if you blink at the wrong time you miss all of it.

this is a life that i am ready to leave. a life that i have never had much interest in from the beginning. my biggest regret is that i didn’t try more times, and better things, when i was younger. if i had, none of this would be going on. i would have been free so long ago.

alas! here i am. and while i see multiple benefits in stopping the chase, i am not much of a quitter. not while i still need something that makes my blood pump. something worth getting up for. something to look forward to. without this false hope i will crumble into nothing, and die right where i lay.

you don’t need, or want, anything. i shouldn’t have dubbed this as “forbidden.” i should’ve called it what it was…”unrequited.” i can feel the false hope cracking.

i love you.

-p

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