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dear e,

i haven’t spoken with you much today. i’ve spoken a lot to you, but not with you. days like this leave me with a large void that allows everything that was just put in me to flow right out.

you had questions for me to answer today. i like that. it’s nice when you are interested. it’s even nicer when you are around to converse directly with, instead of you asking a question then disappearing for awhile…me answering…you coming back for a second, asking another question…then disappearing. maybe you were just trying to keep me busy so i would not bother you? no. i believe you really wanted to know.

seeing you on wednesday, even briefly, was a gift. sometimes seeing you feels like wonderful, stolen moments. no. so much more than that. words fail me right now. just…so much more than that.

you are so timid. i am so timid. it is hard for me to ask you for things that i want, or need. as you know, i am a “telephone tough girl.” in real life i am but a tiny kitten. and you, e…you are so…afraid and respectful. but mainly afraid. you are afraid of so many things. you know what i want, and need and you know why i want, and need, each little thing. your fear keeps you from just acting on them. what is it that you are so afraid of when it is just you and i?

you look directly into my soul without hesitation every time we get to see each other. you are always looking me fiercely in the eyes. you never take your eyes off of mine. that-that is what i cannot do. that is something that scares me. to allow you inside like that…i talk so tough here. and it’s true, i do desire that so very much. i do. but when the time comes and your beautiful hazel eyes are right in front of me, looking inside wherever they want, i panic. so, why are you so afraid? and why do i panic? ah, yes. because there is only one area in which you scare me. however, how do i possibly scare you? tell me. i have to know.

i saw your hand shake when you went to grab mine. we were like school children. you were so nervous. i was nervous, too. if i was in charge, though, i would have grabbed your hand from the moment i saw you and held you close until we had to leave. nervous or not, my need would outweigh it.

i need you. i need your touch. i needed you to be closer. we never embraced. i never got to bury my face in your chest. my deep inhale of your wondrous scent never happened. your arms around me never happened.

when our hands met, though, a fire shot through my entire body. you know what that fire was? it wasn’t fire at all. it was everything inside me shutting down. one by one, everything was stopping. it sounds slow when i explain it like this. that is what happened, but it happened at lightening speed.

my overworked and exhausted brain stopped. i finally heard silence. my heart stopped beating. all of my body stopped moving. my lungs quit taking in and giving out air. and then it almost kind of did a reboot, of sorts.

with my hand in your hand: my brain instantly settled and calmed. i could focus. my heart started to beat fast, but then slowed down to a normal pace. at first after my lungs started to work, like my heart, my lungs went into overtime. i was breathing very heavy and deeply. my breathing was fast. my body started to anxiously move. i started to fidget. then it happened. i looked up.

i looked up into your piercing, beautiful eyes, e. they were darker now. they had never left my eyes. you had scooted a little closer. concern seemed to flash across your face briefly before you hid it. and you kept repeating, “are you ok?!” “p, are you ok?” and i would reply with a nod that stated a yes. talking was hard due to the breathing and my chest.

you were not frightened. you know the circumstances. kind. that is how you always are. even when you are an asshole, you are the sweetest, funniest and kindest asshole i’ve ever met. i love you so much.

eventually my chest took on your heart beats and my breathing fell in sync with yours. your body guided my body for the duration of our time together. you literally opened me up and let me, helped me and breathed for me. you pumped my heart for me. an entire blanket of calmness swept over me. and we talked and talked. content with our hands holding so much more than just the other’s hand.

of course, later, like always, my extreme attraction for you hit hard. you are always coursing through…a steady current right below the surface. dangerously eager and passionate. i’m always warm and ready. always, because of you.

when i gazed at you off and on as we chatted and laughed…and sometimes didn’t laugh, i realized that i could put those 4 words behind just about anything anymore. for example: i had a nice night’s sleep for a change. always because of you. we both know that i didn’t, though. lol. i wrote some great stuff to you every time i’d wake up.

i don’t know if it’s to my advantage or great DISadvantage that things are not only physical, but are on other levels, too. as any man would say-disadvantage. keep it to just pussy. nothing else. anything else is just too messy-feelings, friendships, relationships of any kind. it’s too late for us, though. we were friends first. i never want that to end.

i don’t think it’s going to matter. i’m turning over and looking at this giant, empty spot in my bed. been empty for awhile now. you aren’t in it. so, it’s unlikely you ever will. but, for my mental heath, tonight we are going to assume you WILL BE and that it will be EPIC. it’s time to pretend a little!

from the sexual standpoint yesterday, it was a big ol’ nothin’. nothing. i demand to know why. for real this time. am i ugly? do you think i’m fat? are you not attracted to me at all? when you had your hand laying on my leg, did it do nothing for you? was there no desire to touch my leg more? to glide your hand up my thigh?

when you were telling your story and it included the huge gesture of some man putting his hand on your chest when you were younger and then taking it off in such a way; when you came so close to my chest did you not want to let your hand keep going until it landed there? both of our eyes lit up when you got close. alas! all you did was your cute small laugh that you do and shrugged it off. i almost grabbed it for you and placed it, flat, on my chest. i am not poison. you are not poison.

i try to be respectful and abide by your wishes. snail’s pace, you’re in the lead. scenery never changes, my dear. e. sometimes a woman just has to let it out.

at the building you work at, there are so many places i want you to fuck me. yeah. i know. i’m just gonna let a little out tonight! we can start in your office, if you want. you name the spot, and i’ll make it happen. you said you hurt your knee a couple of days ago? don’t worry, my dear. i’ll do all of the work (as much as possible). you just sit, or lie down. you will be in capable hands and holes.

i know you, though. you like to be in charge. you will never be able to give up control the first time we fuck. you will never be able to give up control the first time we make love.

if you were by me tonight, i would not be on here. i would be laying by, or on, you. if you were here with me tonight, e…i’d have sucked the life right out of you…and then kissed you all over until it came back. you had said you were going to say goodnight to me last night…but you never did. i live in a world i make up…it’s better than the real world i live in.

“please don’t change
please don’t break
well the only thing that seems to work at all is you” mb20 rw

wrote up a story while i was waiting for you to stand me up. i’ll put it at the end.

i love you.


useless musings

right now, let’s assume i caught you at a weak moment and i am in charge, even if it’s just for a bit.

sit in your chair, lay on your floor, have me on your desk. those are all three very nice knee-friendly options. the best options for our first time. generally, as a rule, i prefer to have my first time done with someone in a bed…but hey! live a little!!!

if you want to sit in your chair, i’ll take off our clothes, turn off your office light, move us to the corner (away from windows) and i will slowly glide up on your lap. we will both be nervous. it’s who we are. so, i’ll just be still for a moment so that we can both set our feet on sturdy ground again. when you have calmed down sufficiently, i’ll readjust my position.

remember, we are both naked already. i just need to get more comfortable and get better footing. you are so tall. even when i am sitting you are tall. after i am readjusted enough, i take my hands and slowly caress and explore your face. your beautiful, strong, handsome, sexy face. manly. classic. elegant. with an edge. perfect. all over, my fingers roam. into your hair, behind your ears, to your neck and then i barely get to your collarbone and i stop.

swiftly, gently, i’m up with my lips about a millimeter away from yours. my eyes are searching your eyes for any signal-go on ahead or stop. what do you want me to do? i can’t read you like this. we have never been in this setting before. your eyes are clouding up. it’s hard for you, too. the smell of sex is entering you. while i am searching for some answer, i found it. i watched your eyes change, e. from your beautiful, bright hazel to the most intense, darkest hazel i’ve ever seen. your pupils took over the main part of your eye and the lust and desire took over your entire being.

your eyes have told me how to proceed. i have no doubt about that now. but e, i don’t want to be the one to make the first big move. and a first kiss…is about as big as it gets. so here we are, in the corner of your office, naked in your chair, separated by about a thread. our chests our heaving up and down strongly even though our breathing is shallow.

i lick my lips. a light flickers in your eyes. i gently bite my lower lip and let it, very slowly, come loose. your eyes are black as night now. your breathing has increased to fast and desperate. you take both hands and run them up along my face, into my hair, around my forehead…you adjust your seating so you are more upright now.

and then with the hunger of a starving lion you put your left hand behind my head, your right thumb at the base of my throat and your other fingers on your right hand on my left shoulder. bending in that last thread of space, you kiss me. a regular, hard, long kiss at first. and then all hell broke loose! you decided you wanted me.

my heart is beating so fast, e. you are inside, and you are claiming ever square inch of me as yours. you are lost inside of me and i don’t think that anything could tear you off of me right now, or rather, tear me off of you.

without realizing it, i am lost in you, too. we are both living in a world of rhythm and pleasure that we have made together. my time is coming to an end soon and you are somehow aware of that. you always are saying that you can read me very well. my breathing has picked up and is so shallow it’s almost not even worth taking. as my time approachers faster and faster, you go deeper and deeper, harder and harder, guiding me by my hips. my brain quit working.

then just when it’s time for me to finish, i feel you put your hand down on my clit so you can work some magic there, too. i kiss you, my head rolls back. i kiss you, i look at you and smile and then my head rolls back. and then you say, “keep your eyes open and on me while you finish.”

i have never done that before but at this point i’m about ready to die and am just waiting for the nod. i get the nod. i begin to let down all of my buriers and guards. everything comes down for the first time in my life and i become completely at your mercy.

my breathing is so hoarse now and has become more like a moan anyway. moans. i get louder as i get closer. you are getting close, too. i can feel it and i can see it in your face, your eyes, your body, your body language. not being able to take it anymore, i start riding you hard with a hard grind. and then finally…finally, here i came. going out whispering and moaning your name the entire time. you watched me, in my eyes while i finished. every single part. and after i finished you began to dig in hard and fast, looking into my eyes the entire time. less than a minute later you came. and i watched you. you moaned. you quivered, you made a few more thrusts and then on the last thrust we were both spent. i stayed sitting on you and you stayed inside of me until you eventually just slid out. we kissed like old lovers newly in love. sweet, with passion that carried so much respect. i looked up and into your eyes and i knew. i struggled to catch my breath. mine just got caught in my heart. i fell into you with exhaustion and complete everything for that moment. so i closed my eyes.

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