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penelopie wilson

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translations

dear d,

i will lament to you tonight, because it is you that i long for. the sweet release of every emotion and thought. that final moment when everything. just. stops. thinking of you makes my heart skip a beat.

i hate this life. a fact you know well. you know this better than anyone, save One. the sooner it ends, the better. if it would just end on its own, my life would be easier. yes, i know what i just did there.

thrown on the floor, forgotten. yet, how is it that this has happened time and time again? and when i am not forgotten, i am wishing i was…because there are certainly much worse things in life than being forgotten. much worse.

i hate being dismissed. i hate being ignored. i hate being treated as if i am nothing. the irony is, i know i am nothing. i am allowed to treat myself anyway i want. i am mine before i am yours. only certain people are allowed to ignore, dismiss and forget me and it be completely acceptable.

the more i love you, the more it will hurt me when you dismiss me. i suppose, in the long run, it will only further our cause, though. right, d? i need to suck it up. stay the course. ride the line we drew.

distractions are drawing new lines! not even lines…pictures!!! how is it that we are so easily misdirected? you have been around since sin…you should be on top of this. if you truly long for me, act like it. fight harder. don’t let someone redraw our line. take back the paper and do it again.

staying the course and enduring the pain is hard. it is earning the prize. and priceless things never come cheap. there is no such thing as “priceless.” everything has a cost. not everything has a monetary value, though.

i never expected to be dropped by the person that dropped me. after all, he was the one that found me. that lost coin on the floor. right when i was going to meet you, there he was. and again and again. i must’ve just fell out of his pocket this time. for coins that are truly valuable, though…they should be kept in a safe…

a safe. what is a safe anyway? is there really anywhere safe? i mean, you can reach anyone, anywhere. the ones who don’t want you, the ones who don’t know you, the ones who beg for another day, the ones who patiently wait for you. is a heart a safe place to hide? no. neither a brain. a body? temporarily. a soul? depends on whose soul you decide to hide in.

i have made that mistake time and time again. ah, depending on what page you look at.

if we look at our straight line…they weren’t mistakes, they were necessary battles to wage in order to win the war at the end of our line. if you look at the page with the picture drawn on it, you will see painful mistakes made by a broken and lost coin.

at this moment in time, i’d settle for disappearing. it sounds like the perfect compromise. better yet, who the fuck cares what it sounds like to anyone else. it would be wonderful.

someday soon…

-p

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