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dear e,

i knew when i woke up yesterday that it was going to be a bad day. i woke up with so much sadness pulling at my soul. you can’t deny a feeling like that. i told you.

i even had a suspicion that it would involve you. after all, you are about the only one left that can cause me extreme pain. you are the only one here that i have opened up and allowed myself to truly love. everyone else has been closed off.

i am scared inside all the time. we both know this. it’s easy to forget, though. easy to forget because when i am with you i feel so safe, my walls are dropped and you can walk about freely inside, wherever you wish. you don’t experience me scared that much anymore. your love and calmness have taken me over, body and soul.

until yesterday.

we both disregarded logic and rode the edge of…retreat. my retreat. from you. my e. my north. my horizon. my safe place. my soul. my blanket. my love, the only love…literally.

you are the love i have inside. all other loves have died. inside me from being inside you. it is a ruby. precious, expensive, rare, pure…made of blood and tears. made to last a lifetime. meant to never be lost or given up for any reason. meant to be handled with extreme care. it is as fragile as it is beautiful.

made tough at its core, though. tough enough to handle my retreats and your harshness. from the inside out, it can handle both you and i, and our equally different, destructive natures. tough enough to know how it is meant and what it means, even when you and i get it wrong.

it is you…this love that i have for you and this love that you have for me, e…that will draw me back out into you. it is this love that you have for me that will bring you to open your walls and pull me back in. this ruby of ours, e…it is what keeps me. what binds me to you. it is what binds you to me.

my retreat yesterday did not consist of any self-destructive or deadly behaviors. it was a real retreat. real retreats consist of a fast exit to a secret and quiet corner where you sit down with your arms around your legs, that you have pulled up to your chest, and you wait. you wait wide-eyed and alert. a little shaky. so scared that thoughts do not fully form.

it was your voice that made me run, just as it was your voice that drew me out. submission. it is proven now. so many things are proven now. with the powers that you have…i would use them wisely, keeping in mind that either way you choose…

i love you.


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