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dear e,

i had just stepped back inside of you when you told me that that you knew all along. you knew how i would react when you shoved me down. it was on purpose. you scared me on purpose. you sent me running…on purpose. to prove a point.

when you told me this, everything just froze. how could you do that? you know more than anyone what that means. all to prove a point. was there no other way?! if this was the only way, i will accept it. was it, though?

now i am back in the corner, with my knees brought up to my chest, hugging them tightly. where do i go? what do i do now? the things you said…the way you said them…they just keep repeating in my mind. the one thing you said. the other thing you said. i can’t escape them knowing it was intentional.

what do i say to you now? i can’t tell you this. really, what do i say at all? after all of the things you said…it seems as if silence is my best option. you can’t unsay what is out there. i don’t think you want to anyway. i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore.

wait. i do know one thing. the sadness is so deafening right now that it is choking the life right out of me. in my stomach, in my chest, in my throat, in my eyes, in my head…all filled with such a deep sorrow. heavy in my stomach, tight in my chest, caught in my throat, burning in my eyes, and stabbing in my head. it’s weighing me down and i cannot get up to see you, my true north.

our ruby is bleeding and you are the only one who can mend it. you are the one who can heal it. it’s just sitting here, waiting for you. bleeding.

you seem so casual and aloof, though. it’s as if you can toss me around and not catch me and not care. “ooops! i threw p again and didn’t catch her!” and then after, you don’t laugh and laugh. you just shrug and walk on.

trust you, you say. trust you. you know me better than i know myself. “you’ve got me.” i’m hyperventilating…it doesn’t feel as though you “have me” right now. i’m getting sick because i am without a home to be safe in right now.

i am alone in the corner with only darkness to hide behind.

except darkness can see within itself. i am hiding amongst the danger. there are no other solitary corners anywhere else. none. i ran from you and hid in the only place available. i can’t hide here where i am. that is one reason i reside in you. i can’t hide in the world-fate will take me in a heartbeat. my other corners i used to hide in are now closed off to me in one way or another. this is my only spot. it’s dark. i can’t see. i can’t think. all i feel is despair and fear. all i can do is stare aimlessly into the nothingness that surrounds me.

wake up, e. wake up on your own and come and fucking find me. come and pick me up and take me home. pick up our ruby, mend the wound. stop the bleeding. come into the darkness and take me home. place me back inside you where i am safe and warm. wipe my tears. ease my fears. stop the bleeding.

i am yours to do with as you choose. leaving me here alone…is a cruel choice. it isn’t who you are. come and get me and take me home.

i love you.


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