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dear c,

i have made attempts to contact you but have never heard back. i know it’s not because you are avoiding me. i know you very well. you are lost somewhere. somewhere in my old world you are wandering around without a compass, perhaps looking for me, too.

keeping a phone has always been spotty for you. sometimes you have one for awhile and then it disappears and you go with it. in our world, though, you need a phone. it is both beneficial and detrimental at the same time. for both of us. we were each other’s flame, and we were both moths.

you had weaved yourself into the love of my life and somehow made the distinction between you two almost unrecognizable. but only so far. your temper outweighed your sense and always got the better of you. you allowed your temper to fog up the reality you knew was true, and i paid for it. we paid for it.

i often wonder if you are still alive. that is part of the reason i try to contact you. i care. there is a part of me that feels the need to look after you. you need to be cared for and loved. someone needs to keep you safe.

that person is not me, of course. we were nothing but a beautiful disaster. we were equally matched in every single way. we were mirror images of ourselves, but in different bodies. different genders. we burned extremely bright…and when we blew up, we took everyone with us.

neither of us was afraid of what most everyone else draws a hard line at. death. in fact, unknowingly, we almost made it like a race. who can reach the end first! along the way of our marathon we would take breaks on the sideline to tear each other apart, in both the “i can’t live without you” way and the “i am going to kill you” (literally) way. you were more on the “kill” part. during those breaks i think i was more on the “when he lets go try and take as many breaths as you can” part.

you were smart. incredibly smart. being unable to hide that fact from me bothered you. no one else knew. some are masters at lies. you are a master. i thought that i hid my intelligence well, but you once told me that “you cannot hide intelligence that is on your level.”

sometimes i would cry, thinking about who you could’ve been. people always say about people like us, “they had so much potential.” in your case it was true. you had everything it takes to go and be anything, anyone and everything you ever desired. whoever broke you along the way did a magnificent job. sometimes things that are broken are almost impossible to put back together.

one of the sexiest men i have ever seen. the sexiest man i have ever been with. the most violent man i have ever been with. you made me feel alive. well, you and the other. the passion from one extreme to the next.

my complete disregard for life and for myself left me free in ways i long for. i long for them to this very day. i miss the apathy. i also miss the pain you provided, internally and externally. the pleasure. that feeling inside that is so strong. so strong that it feeds on you, from the inside out.

i miss you, c. i miss your smile. i miss your laugh. i miss how comfortable we were together. how effortless it was. how beautiful it was. our beautiful disaster.

do you remember when we first met? it was at that hole-in-the wall bar. in the back there was a patio. kind of. lol. it was fenced all the way around. i was there with a mutual friend. she had told me how handsome you were. well, she did not explain you like that. her exact words were, “he is fine as hell.”

she told me that i shouldn’t even get my hopes up. i was told that you only went for toothpick thin blondes. there was no way i could become that in the next 5 minutes…she and i were almost to the bar. you can’t change dark brown hair and a normal-sized body in 5 minutes. i don’t know magic.

we got there and walked through the bar, signaling for our usual. we were all frequent customers there. and then i followed her to the back and outside. this wasn’t a setup. it was actually a pickup. you had what i needed and i had come to get it. normally i would just get it from our friend, who got it from you. that day, however, it worked out differently. i never expected you. no. i never expected you. not to mention, i never expected you and me.

do you remember, c, what happened next? i was told that they didn’t think you were there yet. there were no nerves in my body at that time. i had picked up that very same thing i was going to pick up from you that night a million times before from many different people. plus, her definition of “fine” and mine were generally very different.

it was a beautiful summer night that night. when we went through the backdoor and out on the patio i remember being met with the most pleasant breeze. everyone greeted my friend and me. i did the small talk and then took a seat by a couple of other people to have a chat. i sat down, took a drink of my drink and lit a smoke (i miss smoking). i relaxed and settled my body into the chair, getting ready for the evening.

and then i looked up, c. i looked up, and across the room i see these two, beautiful eyes staring at me. hard and kind, with a light in them. a smile on his face. it was faint, but it was there. our eyes met. his stare was so intense, though, i had to drop my eyes. i figured there must be someone behind me. there wasn’t. i like to sit with my back to the wall. so, i assumed there was someone else in this man’s eye-line.

i tried to focus on the conversation i was supposed to be having with the people i was sitting by. i ordered a couple more drinks from the waitress, because they were going down fast and smooth that night. a few other people came up to say hello and so i chatted crap with them. the people next to me demanded more of my time so i slightly turned to converse with them. all the while i could feel his eyes on me.

slowly i turned my head towards this man. this man across the patio. sure enough, they had not moved off of me. he had people trying to speak with him, too, but he made no gestures. he made no attempts to even acknowledge that they were there. people knew not to keep trying. i noticed a power that surrounded this man. this man who would not take his eyes off of me.

right into my soul. he was looking right into my soul. i gave in. his eyes captivated me and took me prisoner. there was no other choice. a part of us was out of our bodies and meeting in the middle. he looked as if someone had struck him down and he had been willing to take the blow, and was willing to stay down. i became lost in him without any urge to find my way out.

suddenly our mutual friend approached this man. she smacked him on the arm and that got his attention. they exchanged words (in a playful way), he laughed, she laughed and then she walked away. the minute she left, his eyes turned back to me. my gaze was broken when my two drinks came. right after they came, our mutual friend came over.

in our setting, you never had to worry about someone slipping anything into your drinks, so i left mine on the table. you DID, however, have to worry about someone DRINKING your drinks. so i instructed the ones by me to watch them. they were too scared to not do as i said. our mutual friend had said to get up. you were there somewhere, i guess. she was going to take me to you.

with a drink in hand i followed her through the people, stopping to greet here and there. i got stopped for a lengthy time, as did my friend, by some acquaintances we knew. i was upset because i desperately wanted to meet you. mainly to get what i came for. i gave her the look and she gave me a look back that said she had an idea and she disappeared. i was left alone with them and my fake smile…and small talk. before i knew it, more and more people had gathered to come and say hello. i was never going to get out.

and then just like the red sea, they parted. i was not aware immediately. i was busy in an actual conversation with an actual friend i had stumbled upon. i heard my name said behind me by our mutual friend so i smiled, said my “goodbyes” to my other friend and turned around.

it all feels like slow motion now. part wasn’t in the moment, but part of it was if as time stood still. as i turned, i noticed the clear break in the crowd that had surrounded me. they had all taken, what appeared to be, two giant steps back. some were silent, some were quietly talking and others had left to be on the outskirts with the others, who were silently whispering.

time stopped when i finished my turn around and was face-to-face with the man who had never taken his eyes off of me since he saw me come outside. my instantaneous reaction was complete surprise. why was this man so close to me? out of all of the women outside, i was not a beauty, by measure. for some reason, though, i did not step back. he stepped forward. he was a little bit in my space.

our friend, who is very short, cleared her throat. that sound made me jump and i moved my eyes to her. when i moved my eyes to her i noticed everyone. so i stepped back out far enough to slowly look each one in the eye, letting them know to go mind their business. the crowd quickly dispersed as it was. i turned back around, and this man was still looking at me. i took a couple of steps back in, to resume my place, now in his space. he stood perfectly still. only his breath changed. only the three of us could hear it.

our friend said, “oh no. just great!” and the man and i looked down at her, silently questioning her declaration. she went on, “i see you two have met already!” with shock in my eyes and delight in yours, we turned to look at each other in a brand new light. you had a smile that spread across your face. i had confusion. so i replied to her, “what?!” and took another drink.

she said, “p! this is c!” my eyes slowly moved to you again. you had not changed your expression and your eyes were still on me. delight and danger, that is what was in your eyes. delight, danger and desire. you were full of all three at this point. anxious in ways i did not know. as i looked at you, i began to catch up and was also filled with all three. and then it happened. you could hear the click audibly if you listened close enough. something somewhere inside of us grabbed each other and locked.

our friend said, “no. no no no no no!” we turned to face her. she continued, “you two are disasters on your own. stay away from each other. p, you are a tornado. c, you are a hurricane. they should never join together. i’m telling you guys right now, make your deal and move on!” and she laughed. i laughed, too, but in a different way. your smile just grew larger. “well shit!” she said. “i can’t handle you two right now. i need a drink. you guys?” we replied at the same time, “yes.”

at that point you nodded your head in a certain direction and i followed you. we made the deal i came for without speaking. only eye contact. after, we stood there. i was going to turn and go get my drinks but i knew someone would have drank them by now. before long she came back and we had drinks in our hand. ours were gone as soon as we got them.

“listen! you are both staying at my house tonight. you keep it clean. if i’m not having sex in it, no one else gets to either.” and you said, “both of us?” and looked back and forth between our friend and me. she confirmed. unsure of your response and not being able to read your straight face i popped up, “i can drive home. it’s no big deal.” our friend said, “no. you aren’t driving anywhere. i have plenty of room. the kids are gone this summer. c, do you have a problem with this?” you shook your head “no” and hoarsely replied, “no. no i don’t.” when you turned to face me, your eyes were black. “great!” our friend said, and as she grabbed my hand to tear me away she informed you that we were off to enjoy the evening. i did.

you did, too. in between stolen glances and skipped heartbeats we enjoyed that perfect summer night. the first of many. when it was time to leave, our friend gathered me up and we went to find you. you were with a few of our other mutual friends. when they saw us approaching (your back was to us) they exclaimed (friendly and loud), “p!!!” and the name of our friend. then they all began to laugh. morons. i saw you tense up.

when we got there i was standing by you and our friend was on the right of me. she was bullshitting with you guys and everyone was bullshitting with me. you were quiet, except for the laughs that escaped you when i would make a joke at someone else’s expense. finally you said, “well, it’s time to go, right?” to our friend. and she concurred. you pushed yourself up (we had been sitting by now) and she and i followed suit. before we could go one of the guys said, “p, you sure are a fine piece of ass. when are you going to finally give in and let me have some?!” and we all laughed. all of us but you.

i replied, “whenever you can hold your alcohol, hold down a job and keep and erection for more than 6 seconds, i’ll consider it.” we all laughed again. except for you. you looked so angry. a couple of others noticed, except for the lovable moron who didn’t know how to keep his mouth in check. i looked at you. you could not look at anyone but him. having a fight break loose in our favorite bar would not be good.

as it so happened, i was feeling pretty good and had a bit more confidence than normal. so, i went out of my comfort zone willingly, and unknowingly, and leaned over towards you. lightly i took my left hand and ran my fingers up your back while i pressed my body into your right side. i felt you tremble slightly. when i felt you tremble under my touch i whispered so softly in your ear, “come on. it’s time to go. he’s harmless.” you broke your glare at our friend and turned to face me, in shock. you later told me that no one had calmed you like that before. it’s a shame i did not have that effect on you all of the time.

we all went back to our friend’s house, along with a couple of other friends that had followed (which, of course spiraled into more). once there i disappeared for a bit to the room i was going to stay in. i needed to tend to the need i had originally came to meet up with you about. it was a need, not a want. an all-consuming need. the last time i had tended to it was at the bar, in the bathroom. that had been hours ago. it was just a bump and not a full serving. i had disappeared for longer than a bit, like you used to say. one of your favorite stories to tell-how i have no concept of time.

what i had picked up from you had been a large quantity, so i took my time. when i finally emerged, with my second wind, i walked out of the room and ran immediately right smack into you. i jumped back. you smiled. you had a drink in each hand. you gave me one and walked into my room. i turned around.

you sat on the bed and fumbled through some things you had amongst your person until you found what you were looking for. “do you want more? on me.” i was suspicious. you knew so. so you said, “no motive. no tricks. i just know you love it.” you had been asking questions about me to our friend. your eyes were kind and deep. i knew it was the truth. also, i never turned down what you were offering right at that very moment. i could never say no. so i went back to the bed and fed that all-consuming need, the love of my life…the substance that was more than a substance. it was a person.

when we finished, i thanked you and with lust in my eyes (for both you and the love that i was full of) i picked up my drink, opened the door and headed towards the party. i was walking down the hall when you caught up with me. you simply said my name, in a normal tone. i turned to see you right behind me. you set your drink on the floor. you took my drink from me and did the same. you gently pushed me into the wall with your body and looked into my eyes. our breathing became heavy. you took my head in your hands and drew me near to you. stillness filled the air. it filled the air for what seemed like years, but was only seconds. without warning you moved forward and kissed me. not light and timid. hard and with purpose. deep. it was as if you did not kiss me at that moment you would die. as if you kissed me at that moment and then i disappeared for the rest of your life, that would be the moment you lived with forever.

passionate. a long kiss. drawn out for the perfect amount of time. you weren’t met with defiance or apathy. you were met with equal passion. you were met with equal need. i returned everything you gave. everything was mutual. magical. a moment in time that has, indeed, lasted forever.

in that moment it did not last long enough. our lips joined fiercely and we parted, desperate to see each other. to look into each other’s eyes. remember thinking, “what the fuck is going on?!” yeah. me too. we stood a millimeter apart for about a minute before other people wandered around the hallway, lost about where a bathroom was. they seemed completely oblivious to what was going on. i looked at you one final time and then turned, put a smile on my face, bent down to get my drink…and slowly grazed the side of your body as i rose. “i’ll show you!” i said. when i turned around to look at you, i saw you bracing yourself with a hand on the wall and your other hand using your fingers and slowly running them along your lips. i smiled. i knew. that night i would have you if i wanted.

after the tour to the bathroom, i joined the party in the other rooms of the house. you had joined as well, but i had no idea where you were. so, i mingled and…well…partied. partied in the style that was born and bred inside of me. as you know, i could always hold more than my fair share of alcohol, as well as anything else thrown my way. if you’ll remember, this party, you were not the only heavy hitter there word had gotten around about it and about where it was, that the three of us were hosting and that a couple other big names in the industry were set to arrive (and they did). that automatically sent out blanket invites to all of the majors. if i recall, all but one showed up. the one that didn’t show never comes around me. it is wise. anyway, i had taken advantage of the “CEO’s” presence, by conversing and purchasing many things in large quantities from all of them. i was likable. i could get away with things like that. or, it was just because of who i was, my name, who my father was…which you knew nothing about, at first.

what i did not hold as well was my bladder. once the floodgates were open, they remained open for the duration. after i had finished another drink i decided to visit the restroom. luckily for me it was unoccupied. as anyone knows, like we sure do, when you have been drinking heavily, sometimes when you go to relieve yourself you feel like tom hanks in “a league of their own.” you just pee and pee and pee. that’s how i felt at that moment.

as i was leaving the bathroom, i, once again, ran right into you. so i said to you, “have you been waiting for me or for the bathroom?” you can also hold your liquor and other substances very well. with dark eyes, you pinned me up against the door frame and kissed me just as you had done earlier. and just like earlier, you let go as if struck by lightening. you replied, “both.” i just looked at you with curious eyes and then walked off.

the party lasted and lasted all night, the entire next day and into that night. when the executives gather peacefully in one spot, people tend to come in and out at a very frequent rate. you, along with the others, had a very busy day and couple of nights. when finally, in the wee morning hours, the last guest had left (and i received generous gifts from our friendly CEOs) our friend called it quits. she was off to bed with another pointed warning, “no hanky-panky!!!” i rolled my eyes and laughed and then got up to follow her because, again, the bathroom was calling my name. on our way back to both her room and the restroom she said, “be careful. he’s after you.” and then she laughed nervously. i replied, “oh please! you see things that aren’t there.” and she said, “you can’t see things right in front of your face.” confused i replied, “i thought you said i wasn’t his type?! i am very clearly not toothpick thin AND i have dark brown hair! he’s just flirting to flirt. killing time. you’re crazy!” and i began laughing, because i knew it was true. she looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “as always, you are the exception the rule. and as always you never see yourself accurately. dear god, p. first, you aren’t fat. you need to START EATING. and second, you were the prettiest chick there tonight. well, second to me, of course.” we laughed, said goodnight and parted ways. at this point i had figured that you were probably just drunk and were full of shit. reality had hit in my brain and it made no sense for you to be interested in me.

when i was finished i headed to the room i was staying in and bowed down to the love of my life. not for long, just enough. afterwards i went back to the living room. i wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep and i figured everyone else was asleep by now. a little late night/early morning television sounded like a great idea. i took a detour to the kitchen to grab another drink and was looking forward to stretching out on the couch and winding down.

when i walked into the living room i stopped. there you were. you were laying partly on the couch with your legs and feet on the coffee table. you did not look surprised to see me. you looked up and said, “i already got you a drink.” then you chuckled and said, “that’s ok. you’ll have the one in your hand gone in no time.”

your voice has always been sexy, but right then was the very first time i actually listened and heard it. it had a coarseness, a roughness to it, mixed in with kindness and inner rage. it was alluring. you were right, though. out of shock or nervousness, i had unconsciously drank my entire drink while i was standing there, still in shock to see you in my spot. you motioned for me to sit down and so i did.

after coming to, i was no longer in shock or nervous. instead i lit a smoke and you did the same. i leaned back on the opposite side of the couch and stretched out in much the same manner as you. “what are we watching?” i asked. and then you said the the most fateful thing that you could’ve said. “i don’t know. some movie that has kevin costner in it. you want to change it?” and as you are well aware of, kevin and i have been in love for 30 years now. fate. i tried to remain calm, kevin always excites me and replied, “oh…no. i suppose this is fine.” you nodded your head in agreement.

we settled in nicely, quickly relaxing and falling in step with one another. there wasn’t any awkwardness in our silences or when we would catch the other quietly looking in our direction. when one of our hearts would skip a beat in quiet anticipation of the possibility of the future, the other would notice and inhale sharply. it was a beautiful dance.

we were not silent the entire time, though. we made conversation whenever we felt like it. we spoke about the movie, we asked each other a question when they came to mind…it was simple and comfortable. it was as if we had known each other our entire lives.

the only tension in the air was sexual. to calm that we decided to not acknowledge it. you brought out my love, which equally calms me and excites me. we wasted part of the early morning hours away watching tv and chatting about nonsense. it was calm. it was pleasant.

after the movie was over, i was a bit tired. my body was ready to come down for a couple of days and rest. i even had a yawn escape. you noticed. do you remember the look you gave me? it was pained. pain melted with arousal and desire. you said, “p, you need to go get some sleep.” i yawned again and shook my head yes. as i looked at you i noticed how run down you looked. so i offered you the same directive. you smiled and agreed.

i got up off the couch, said goodnight and went to the room. there was a pang in my chest, though. an urge and a regret. why was i so timid? why did i not tell you to come with me? why had i not kissed you? and now, here i was alone.

it was too late. i remember thinking it was too late. there was nothing i could do about it now. so, i shrugged it off and reminded myself that it was absurd to think that you would have came with me anyway.

sometimes my imagination goes wild and i get excited and hopeful about possibilities that are impossible.

i began to get ready for bed. sleeping in my clothes makes me feel like i am suffocating. i prefer to just sleep in my underwear. you know that. those shoes had been on my feet for so long. of course, before i could get ready for bed, i ran to the bathroom to empty my bladder and brush my teeth. you know me and my teeth.

when i got back to the room i sat on the bed and exhaled. as it turned out i was exhausted. i just sat there for a minute. then i shook myself back awake and began getting undressed. kicked off those damn shoes. took off that damn bra. i stood up and was stretching my back out when my door opened and there you stood. all of the air went out of the room as soon as you opened that door.

i looked over at you. your breathing was hesitant and labored. suddenly i turned soft. my eyes turned soft. my body, in it’s desire and exhaustion, began to turn soft. you saw it happen. it was a silent invite into my room. an invite that you did not take the time to second guess.

you entered the room quietly and slowly and closed the door behind you. you shut off the room light leaving only the lamp beside the bed on. i was just standing there. my chest began to rise and fall increasingly fast. you took three huge steps to cross the large room and were right in front of me.

we stood together like that, almost as if we were deciding what…how we were going to begin. it was you who took control. it was you who made the first move. i was grateful. still to this day, c, i can’t make the first move. my confidence, my self-esteem are too low. it always seems unlikely that i am reading the person, or the situation, correctly.

you moved into me. you wrapped an arm around my waist to keep ahold of me and to pull me even closer. you put your other hand in my hair. my breath caught. your breath caught. slightly you pulled my head back. i was looking up into your eyes. your mouth came down on mine, gently this time. without the urgency as before. refined. before i knew it i had my arms wrapped around you and my hands on the back of your neck, the back of your head. it wasn’t possible, but i pushed myself closer into you.

the moan that you let out right then, c, was a sound i’ll never forget. so vulnerable. so quiet. so real. so desperate. it was you, at your very core, escaping for maybe the first time in your life. you did not expect it. when you heard it you slowly pulled away so you could see my face, my eyes. you were in so much disbelief when you met my eyes and all you saw was understanding and compassion.

like me, kindness was foreign to you. like me, kindness towards you brought out anger in you. at that moment i saw the anger rush into your eyes and you violently pushed me away. i should’ve paid attention to that moment. i chose not to. instead i moved forward. you held up your hand. stop. come no further. vulnerability was never your strong suit. disregarding warnings has always been a character flaw of mine.

i moved towards you and you shook your head no. you went to light a smoke. i stepped in and grabbed your hand you had held up. you froze. i placed your hand on my chest, over my heart. you stayed frozen still. your arm went slack and i was able to move closer. you whispered it again, “stop.” i ignored you and brought myself up on my toes. i kissed you by your ear and quietly said, “now.” your body straightened. your nostrils flared. you gripped each arm somewhat tightly as you turned to fully face me.

the urgency in us returned from before. stronger. undeniable. now we were focussed only on one thing. no more pussyfooting around. remember how much we wanted each other that day, c? do you remember? i do, too. our kisses were violent bolts of lust. uncontainable. we stripped each other’s clothes off without any hesitation. we stood there naked, and looked each other over. i became self-conscious and went for the bed to cover up. you grabbed my arm and pulled me back before i got very far. you continued to look at me, slowly. up…and down. i became nervous. you were gorgeous. without flaw. why were you staring at me so long? why so much? why in that way?

eventually it was more than i could handle and i remember whispering “please stop.” you turned up and looked into my eyes and slowly walked forward. your gentleness had returned in your eyes, your touch and your kiss. as you backed me up toward the bed, you kissed me so well that i was unaware i was moving. when i looked around, i was on my side facing you. you had stopped kissing me. i never knew why, c. why? and then, you simply whispered, “sleep, p. sleep.” without thinking i inhaled deeply, rolled over on my other side and closed my eyes. and before i fell asleep, i felt you come up behind me and wrap yourself around me. we slept.

sleep was far and few between in those days. it was a precious commodity that our lifestyle could not afford. was it the 2+ day party that we just had, or the fact that we had both been up a day or so longer than that…or the exhaustion of the sexual anticipation…or the comfort of one another…? i’m not for sure which one. maybe a combination. but we slept hard. we slept for hours. about four hours, right? that translates to about 10 on normal time. we woke up because i had to pee. the suggestion made you have to pee. then you got hungry. and of course, then i had to hit my love. we both had to get a drink. we ended up back in the bedroom just lying there on our backs, silently. even though we had slept, exhaustion took over again.

i rolled over to face you and ended up laying my head on your chest and draping my arm over you. your heart rate increased very fast. concerned, i began to slowly caress your chest, your neck. that initially made it worse, but then your heart rate finally slowed down. your breathing leveled and your body relaxed, as did mine. my eyes closed and i had just drifted off when you spoke.

“p?” you said my name quietly. i responded in a whisper, “c?” your chest rose when you chuckled. “i can’t take it much longer.” and i leaned off of you and looked up into your eyes. questioningly i said, “you can’t take what much longer?” then, as if i should have known this whole time, with a surprised expression on your face, i remember you saying, “i can’t take not having you much longer. i can’t wait. it’s too hard.”

i didn’t know you were waiting. i thought you saw me naked, realized how ugly i was and came to your senses. this news was a complete surprise. i didn’t quite believe you. so i laughed nervously and gave you a way out, “c, there’s no need to lie. it’s ok. it’s fine that you changed your mind.” and that took you totally off guard. you questioned what i meant and i told you the truth. you were silent and you tensed up. slowly you turned and faced me. “p, you are wrong…and you are a fool.”

i went to open my mouth to argue my point, to tell you why i was right. i wanted you to know how unbelievably attractive you were and that i knew i wasn’t. you gave me no time to say anything. your mouth was on mine and i was on my back in the blink of an eye. i am stubborn and i remember trying to tell you while you were kissing me. you smiled in your eyes and lowered your body on mine. good enough for me. i knew then that you probably got my point and gave into you. long, drawn out, unhurried and sexy kisses. they were just like you see in the movies. exactly. exactly.

you moved my hair from my face when you leaned up. i just looked at you, unable to speak because i had no words. you moved down. my neck. my collarbone. my chest. my breasts. my stomach. my lower abdomen. you stopped where i wanted you to stop. i had no complaints. well, none until i was about ready to finish and then you suddenly stopped and returned to my breasts. i remember being angry. lol. “what the fuck?!” and you saying cooly, “it’s not time.”

and it wasn’t. but as the day went on, so did we. it was perfect. blackout curtains on the windows made it seem like constant night. we’d fuck and sleep, wake up to repeat. you would get hungry and eat. we would both have to partake in my love and drink. we showered. we went back to the room and continued the cycle through the day and into the night. we had stamina. we were young. not only were we young, we were fueled by chemicals that made us feel even younger and free.

we finally passed out somewhere that night. this time we were completely out for a good 12 hours. do you remember our friend waking us up? i laugh to this day. she was hilarious. “DAMNIT you guys! you’d better wash those sheets! fuckers. it smells like alcohol, sweat and sex in here. it should smell like this in my room. i just came in here to tell you what day it was. i know you are both off of work, but just in case you needed to know. and, we have the bar tonight. c, you need to go meet up with him. p, you need to go shopping. assholes. i’m going to work.” and then she laughed as she walked out.

she always moved at ninja speed. when the door shut behind her we laughed a little and then untangled ourselves from each other. in the midst of untangling, we somehow connected eyes and decided to get tangled up again…twice. after, we showered…uh, twice…and then got ready to get things done. we stood in the kitchen both waiting on coffee. having already had a few meetings with my love, you would’ve thought we’d be set. but caffein is different. as we drank some coffee together and tried to remain seated, and off of each other, we spoke about what we were going to do that day.

it took some time because neither of us wanted to be the one to ask it. you are the one who broke first. “when you are done running errands are you coming back here or going home?” you casually pretended not to care. i smiled. i was staying at our friend’s house for a couple of weeks. you looked relieved. her kids were at their dad’s for the summer. i ended up just staying there all summer and commuting to and from for work. i asked you the same. you said home first. you needed to check on your place. i felt disappointment inside. you asked for my number, i gave it to you and we parted ways. i remember thinking that for my first “one night stand” i didn’t do half bad. lol!

except you turned out not to be a one night stand, didn’t you, c?

where are you now? you need to let me know that you are ok. i fear that you are dead or in prison. either of which i am entitled to know. i know i am the one who walked away in the end…but it wasn’t because i stopped caring. you need to return my messages. i am in need of you. i am desperately in need to know you are safe.


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