(written in the early morning hours of 11/22)
i handed over my right to choose you for a week today. it was a stupid fucking choice, seeing how the rest of the day has played out. 7. 7 entire days. but, who are we kidding? was i really going to woman-up, not be such a fucking pussy and actually do anything within the next 7 days? yeah, i don’t think so either.
you know what i have decided? i’m tired of writing to you and to everyone else i write on here and feeling like i have to edit what i write. fuck that. it’s my site. people aren’t even reading it anyway. lol! so let’s just write what we want this morning, shall we?
first i’ll say that i have to fucking get up in a few hours. have to start getting everything ready for tday. doesn’t just cook itself. my husband will be “helping” by criticizing…until i kick him out. my mom will be in the way, ruining every dish she touches. my daughter-in-law will be awkwardly walking around not knowing what to do. my son (step) will be offering to help (he’s so sweet), which i will decline. and my granddaughter (who is 14 months old) will be hanging onto my leg.
i have pies to bake, bread to make, sides to get ready, a bird to prepare and start to cook…and i need to go around the house and give it a once-over. being a woman is…sometimes long. we work hard.
the kicker? i work so hard for a family that i am not even biologically related to. now, don’t get me wrong. i love our son and our granddaughter just as if they were my very own. i really do. i can’t imagine life without them. but i’m in a thankless marriage with a narcissistic abuser with the occasional pre-violent tendencies who robbed me of my birthright. yeah. you remember.
when we got together i was upfront about wanting to have my own child. his son was older. i married an older man. he said “”yes.” that that was something he was ok with. a year, two years into our marriage, after endless excuses for why we couldn’t start trying yet, he informs me the he “changed [his] mind.” he no longer wants to have a child.
he made a unilateral decision that completely fucked up my world. i’m no spring chicken. i wasted valuable baby-making years with him. that fucker lied to me. he took away my birthright. and the worst part-he doesn’t care. he’s not remorseful. he’s an asshole. it’s his world. i am but a guest there, i suppose. and now…my childbearing years are over, just like the rest of my life. there’s nothing out there waiting for me. i never amounted to much. i made awful decisions for most of my life.
so here we are, d. just you and me, again. always just us…since i was a child. you should have taken me then. stray bullet, car crash, meteor, or any of the millions of dangerous situations i’ve been in. but no. just like every other man in my life, your goal is to devastate, torture for a long time and then finally destroy.
this stupid fucking life. i hate it. all of it. even when it goes perfect, i hate it. and since you don’t give a shit if i complain to you about life, here i am. you don’t give a shit if i tell you anything. actually, you could give two shits about anything.
i’m so tired of fucking misreading shit. i’m so tired of the constant, “no, No, NO!!!” i’m done. i’m just done. i never misread things before. ever. so, either he’s fucking with me…or they missed something on all of the head scans and tests they did. or what? i’m really that far off? if i’m that far off, i just fucking give up and give in right now. who gives a fuck?
i mean, who do i have now? who’s left? dad’s been dead for almost 9 years now. grams has been dead for almost 20. my older cousin, nick, just passed on 7/30. i still have my cousin d. his chick a. my aunt r and uncle m are wonderful and loving. l and j are wonderful, but that’s it for mom’s side. mom’s side is pure evil. 😒
it’s so fucking time to just be done. how much longer am i just supposed to hang around? and now, i just decided last night to just completely act like and entire situation never happened. never happened. what a crock of shit is that? ya know, it will be easier for the other person.
i suppose that is all that matters. and i just can’t take one more fucking time of hearing the “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit. guess what? it IS me. you know why? because if i was worth it…if i made any sort of impact…if i was one of those women that people just don’t overlook and actually stop, take time and notice…i wouldn’t have to pretend that it never happened. because i would be acknowledged and validated. because i would be wanted.
but here i fuckin’ am. me. always me. not wanted. not wanted and always with a million different reasons that are supposed to cushion the blow, i guess. you know what?! there is no reason that can cushion the blow anymore. i know what i am. i know what they see. and i give up.
so, as with everything else in my life, i will add this entire chapter into the vault and “erase” it from my memory. fuck. i am somewhat laughing b/c seriously?! i can’t erase anything. but, i can bury it. and i’m a master of the dark art of pretending and smiling and lying. given enough time, i will even be able to convince myself that it never happened. i can dig and dig and dig…until eventually i dig a hole deep enough to put it in and no longer have to think about it. it can just be absorbed into the blackness that has absorbed everything else.
i think i am just a waste of time. d, do you see any other outcome for me that doesn’t involve me coming to meet you on my terms? on your terms? since we are so much in love, it seems natural. after all, you are the only one who seems to want me as i am.