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translations

dear e,

i don’t know where to begin. wait. maybe it’s more like i don’t know how to put any of it into adequate words? either way, i find myself restricted in this letter and i don’t know why. you aren’t ever going to see it. and even if you did, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

you made a unilateral decision that didn’t just affect you, but me as well. my life has been full of others making decisions, that i have no say in, that impact my life in some huge way. i never control any outcome. i never get any say. i never have any of the control. and in the end, the choices others make for me only leave me with pain.

you are so nonchalant about it all. you seem so uncaring and unkind. even if you are right and this decision was made long ago and i am just now catching up, you still seem cold and heartless. all of those descriptives i would have not used in reference to you “long ago.”

that’s the thing with men. you care about yourselves and nothing more. there were so many other ways that this news could have been shared so that the reality sunk in a little softer. there were. and yet you chose the hammer. men always choose the hammer.

there’s something about the way the blood splatters when you bring the hammer down upon me that gets you off.

what i find most “amusing” is the complete ignorance you feign after. the looks and remarks about how you can’t understand why i am upset. how you don’t have any idea what to do to help. how you don’t have any idea what to say.

the last one really gets me with you. you, the eternal charmer with words. you always know what to say when you want to. and you, not understanding? you live the very definition of understanding. and help? you not knowing how to help someone would be the end of…everything.

it’s distance that you seek. you are not ignorant. you are sharp. i don’t buy this unknowing act for a second. and i see the cloud to come…and i am not ready for it.

but then i ask myself, “will i ever be ready?” and the answer is always “no.” so then i wonder if maybe i should just go ahead and walk to that cloud now. not wait for the impending doom to befall me, but rather meet it in the middle. the very thought tears me open and makes me bleed from a wound i have never had before. i am not ready.

if it is distance you seek, i shall give it to you. but if you will recall, you came and grabbed me from a great distance before. the darkness has already set it, and i am already at the point where apathy has somewhat set in…and floating into the distance matters less and less.

if you don’t think it has anything to do with you, you are sincerely underestimating the impact “reality” had on me. if you don’t think your hard and cold manner has not had an impact on me, take a look at my soul now…can you feel it? the hardening…the coldness taking over? if you don’t understand why i no longer feel safe, then perhaps you should take another outside look in. into yourself, into us, into everything.

you say you will never leave…but e, people leave…even when they remain right by your side.

i don’t know how much you are even in this anymore. i really don’t. but i can tell you one thing: my foot is now on that ledge and my other foot is moving to meet it as i type this. the reality that you were so hellbent on me accepting broke the tether that was keeping me grounded.

you should’ve let reality happen on its own terms…in its own time. all you have done is activate a bomb that was meant to stay dormant. you sought out your own needs and desires above another’s…and the consequences won’t be yours to face. they will be mine. it used to be you were with me every step. then you stayed a step behind. now, thanks to the “reality” that you hammered me with, you are in a different town, in a different building, in a different life…never having time to talk. i suspect never really wanting to make time to talk.

so, the time is winding down at a rapid rate on the bomb you set off. how far have you distanced yourself? far enough to not even see it? far enough to not even care? far enough that when the bomb explodes you won’t have pieces of my body all over you? pink mist, right?

how far away are you now? i can’t see you. i can’t hear you. i can’t feel you. reality or not, those basic needs have not changed. the initial needs and reason still remain for us. it is cruel to back away slowly. announce it at once or step back in. black or white.

do or die.

i cannot afford to be messed with. you cannot dick me around and expect there to not be any repercussions. i am as fragile and unstable as the bomb you set off that is within me. do you not remember how you found me this time?

what i need from you is to either walk away completely and let me finish this on my own or return to the one i came to so long ago. stop pulling further and further away. there is nothing worse than having someone by your side who is no longer there. just a shell. a face. if all i wanted was a facade i have so many easier options. what i need is you. love, anger, truth…and the compassion that has floated somewhere else from your body.

we have been with each other for too long for it to end now. fix this. dismantle the bomb you set off. i don’t know how. tear down my walls that i have put back up when i am with you. you know how. if i know how you can fix this, you know how. you can dismantle the bomb and keep your precious reality in place all at the same time. why aren’t you already doing it? is it because you really do want to go…but just haven’t figured out a way to say it?

i love you.

-p

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