for me, i so often get caught up in the noise and the chaos that constantly run through my head. they blind every sense that i have. demanding. unyielding. unmerciful.
so on the odd, occasional night, when calmness and peace take over…i am grateful. when the source of the calmness and peace is miles and miles away, i am reminded of core truths that also get lost in the chaos. the core truths that so easily get lost, on both sides, by the hurricane winds of pain. reminders of what is, instead of what is happening, ground me.
there are few topics that when spoken, or thought about, bring light to my eyes. the topics that bring love to the surface and drown out everything else for the few moments they are at the forefront of my mind. priceless gems. gems that include, but are not limited to, the love i have for a couple of people present in my life…and many who are in the past.
even speaking of a love avoided, and yet somehow always there, brought calmness today. maybe it was the gentleness on both sides. both sides that have previously been so tense and suspect. tonight both sides were allowed to just be. and there was a freedom in that that is hard to describe. there was a give-and-take of trust exchanged on a level that had always been closed off before. closed off by me. not trusted by me. and tonight, without knowing why, i opened up that door to that level.
i feel that the tone and the emotions that we silently sent through the written words made a dent in that exterior wall. emotions of pain and confusion from the other person that i was never expecting to receive. and that raw emotion unlocked just a small crack into this formerly unseen room. a room so delicate that only equally raw emotion could unlock it. and i think it was this room, on this level, that contained a peace that we had been searching for.
when you are at odds, in any way, with the person you let be the closest, it affects every aspect. when there is a distrust that has been woven in by dark sources, it breaks you. when you have only one person that you trust and that is taken away, there is nothing left but darkness and despair. however, when the windows are opened and the air is cleared…you take a breath.
it is the small things in life that sometimes mean the most. i could give millions of examples over the course of my life right now. i’d rather just give one, though. when someone you love says “i love you” first…that is a small thing, but a big thing, all wrapped into one. regardless of the relationship: child, sibling, grandchild, spouse, friend, cousin, soulmate…
love is a universal language. the declaration should have an impact on everyone you say it to. it should have an impact on you when you say it. if it does not, there are things that you need to reevaluate. the word “love” has been so casually used that it often holds no meaning anymore. so many people missing out on such a fundamental part of existing. both feeling love and expressing love.
there is great power in words. it would do humanity some good to start thinking before we speak.
i know that this peace, this calmness is fleeting. when i close my eyes and wake up from my first dream it will be gone and will not return for a very long time. but for tonight, for this moment, another has warmed my heart…made me feel like i am not alone…and like i really might be loved.
for the unlovable, it’s a rare day.