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(written in the overnight hours of 11/28 and posted later)

dear e,

some things are hard to say out loud, verbally or in black and white. there are things that feel better hidden. they have a home behind these walls. the secrets hidden behind have built a cozy fire and remain there, warm but wide-eyed. praying to never be revealed.

and then one day the owner of the secrets packs them up. not gently. she packs them up by throwing them in a box (fire and all) and then taping that box shut all around with duct tape. it matters not what the secrets say. protests are ignored, pleas are of no value. she then takes that box and sticks it in a compartment and carries it down several levels below humanity.

the secrets yell up in question, “why? why have you done this?” and she simply replies, “because the fire you built without my permission has burned me. you are too painful to hold within so close. i need to get away. you will break me. you are foolish and one sided.” she has had a lot of pain over her lifetime…but this is new. she is not equipped. she was not prepared. another second any closer to her and she would’ve broken into a thousand pieces…without anyone to put any of the pieces back together. the flame the secret built inside of her was too hot and too strong. she is unfamiliar with that fire. only the owner of the fire knows how to control it.

she has made the mistake only once before of not getting a “problem” stored away in time…

so, with all of the strength she could muster she did what needed to be done. things are much better. this will be the last week she will talk about the secrets she moved. any more talk and she risks moving the compartment back up to the upper level, closer to the main room. questions have to be answered this week, though, and she understands that. it is also part of the final process.

the unveiling of the core tonight of the secrets was more painful than she had anticipated. something she intended to take to the grave, as there is no benefit to having it released into the open world. but, you needed clarity to settle your insides. she understands the need for clarity. sometimes the not knowing can eat at you…silently…like cancer.

the cutoff date for acknowledging the secrets she has moved is sunday. starting monday, they will no longer exist. well, obviously they will, but they will no longer be recognized as existing. noticing and acknowledging slowly opens the taped up box. that will not be happening. when you are ready, you may go and retrieve it. but…once it is retrieved…i…it will need fully dealt with or put down.

there is something relaxing about familiar places. familiar places inside, familiar places we surrender to, familiar places we visit. so much is to be said with what we know vs what we don’t know. it will be interesting to see what is familiar to her over the next month. it will b hard.

to choose a negative familiar over a new, unfelt pain is rare. pains like that are rare. this one was so powerful, in order to move it, it took days of blood, sweat and tears. also, it made me physically ill a few times. in my world you combat pain with greater pain, much like you heal a hangover the next day with more alcohol. neither make sense, neither are healthy. the best thing for a hangover is water.

the positive effects are already showing, though. i can tell between our written communication. it is reflected there very much. our in-person communication is slower to catch up, but even taped up boxes can see through the darkness in the beginning. never fear, though. i have added more tape, placed it in another box and returned it to its compartment. by sunday all of the kinks will be worked out.

there are so many things we do for the ones we love. sacrifices we make. compromises. things we internalize to make relationships (of any kind) smoother. when it comes to pure love and for the greater good of the one that you love, there should not be much that you wouldn’t do, regardless of the personal cost. i am a selfish and awful person who often gets caught up in…herself, i guess. i require more time to be a decent human being. it takes me longer to be selfless and kind, things that most others are born with. i am no good. the darkness that has made a home inside…no. i was probably a selfish and self-centered little tiny girl to start out with. and i do apologize for such a long and painful wait.

come next week, it will be all completely behind us with only you having access (that you will need to seriously think about all it will entail before you retrieve it). so, we will be able to live just fine. the things that sneak up on you when you’re not looking and let your guard down…are killers for sure. i will be glad to get it 100% done.

tonight you did it again. tonight i fell asleep feeling loved, which does not happen (with the exception of last night, and now tonight). i suppose you are the only person who says those three words that i believe. you are kind.

i’m off to sleep now.

i love you.


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