you have been on my mind, my love. i would say i don’t know why but you know me well enough to know that would be a lie. most things that go on in my mind i know everything about. i miss you and how well you knew me.
i miss you.
i saw you a couple of months ago. you looked good. life has been kind to you over these last 5 years. you have always lead a charmed life. maybe that is why you are, perhaps, the most charming man i have ever known.
i don’t remember the day we first met, as i know you don’t either. i was quite young. but i do remember the day you first hit on me. you were standing in the grass, talking to some other man. i don’t remember who it was. who cares, right? i got out of my car and was walking toward the stairs. i smiled at you as i walked by (i am friendly) and you stopped me on the sidewalk by saying, “you are looking very nice these days, penelopie.”
and that was it. not literally, but you had me at the smile you gave me right then. that light in your eyes that screamed “RUN!” and “STAY!” all at the same time. i knew your line was a load of bullshit. you know how little i think of myself. besides, i was in jeans and a tshirt. not much to that. it was summer. you were in shorts and a tshirt. your damn tan legs.
the man you were talking to was abandoned and you walked towards me. i stopped. everything stopped. all the times we had seen each other. we had just seen each other a few days before. i had a friend with me. she said, “i’ll bet you $20 he hits on you within two weeks.” i made you pay, remember? i never thought, w. it never occurred to me that you were ever even looking at me, in any way.
so long ago. my birthday was coming up. my 21st birthday. i am laughing now because…21. seems like a lifetime ago. you had asked if i had any plans. i did not. so you made a vague comment about coming to get me and taking me out for drinks. i said yes. then i left. up the stairs to my apartment, with you watching me the entire way.
we both forgot about your offer. weeks passed and my birthday came. i did not have plans. i did not do anything, remember? turning 21 was no big deal. i was never one to abide by the law in those days, so the legality that it provided was meaningless at that point. i believe i stayed home, watched some tv and went to bed early. i had work the next day. 4 in the morning came fast.
july 22nd. that is when i saw you again. i pretended that i remembered your offer of taking me out and gave you one hell of a guilt trip for standing me up. it worked. that evening you picked me up and took me out for dinner and drinks. the only time we went for mexican. awful mexican food, at that!
neither was very interested in the food though. i should have known then that you were going to be ten years of pain. there were so many obvious signs. remember that bitch waitress that flirted with you on our first date? stop laughing. i never found that funny. you knew her and i know how you knew her. i don’t want to talk about her. change the subject.
anyway, we drank. a lot. i could hold my own. i had been drinking for most of my life by then. ah, but baby, you…you took it to another level.
you took me home and i invited you in. we stood there, me a bit awkward. not you, though. you were never hesitant with me. whatever you wanted you took. it was like you always owned me. and for me, it was like i was always owned by you. our first kiss was…everything you want a first kiss to be. things progressed that night a bit, but i remember shutting you down. i had control at 21. lol. of course, i shut you down only until the next night.
we agreed that night that it was a one time deal. our families knew each other. it would be so messy if we were to get involved. there was the age difference. no, i won’t mention how much older you are. and there was the fact that you were married. it goes without saying that i was all sorts of fucked up. i had morals then. remember? you wouldn’t have known it those two nights…but the nights following you did.
so the 23rd was when we had sex for the first time. i know. i didn’t say “made love.” love did not come until later. love was…such a mistake. you and i were…such a mistake. but, God, in the moment, the ten years, we were a dark and beautiful mistake. would you not agree?
we are so similar in so many ways. in so many ways. our souls fed off of each other which was fatal. all we had to offer the other was poison. together we were so toxic to one another. but you were better than any alcohol. you were better than any drug…until the day i woke up and felt a familiar drug differently. and then, i don’t know. i don’t know who i would have chosen. my guess? yes. i know what you say. you have always said the drug. it bothered you a great deal.
so, we had our first night of physical passion. it went so much better than either of us had hoped for. and, unfortunately, we both felt something a little deeper than just sex. do you remember at that one point when our eyes met? i know you do. we have talked about it before. it was that moment that killed us. in that moment two equally broken people found one another. it was in that moment that i said, “we are doing this again.” and you replied, “fuck yes.”
and so our beautiful, dark drama began. a love story of sorts with more murder scenes than love scenes. ah, but my love, your love scenes were so amazing that they made up for the countless murders. when you were charming, you charmed the world. when you were kind, you made my eyes shine. and when you loved me, in every sense of the word, you brought life to me like no other person has. a million murders could not outweigh a single day of your love. still.
i can see you smile right now as if i am speaking directly to you. i can see your piercing blue eyes that melted my soul. your laugh filled my being with joy. everything. everything about you is in me. on bad days there is not a single thing i can do without the thought of you. everything. recalling the way you smell is but a command away. hearing you speak, and that southern drawl you have for no reason…i can still taste you.
you are still my perfect kiss. i remember it like it was yesterday. sometimes i remember it like it was today. and i know you remember it. it was also some of the best lovemaking we ever did. it was the most you ever missed me. so much sadness in your eyes. so much need. you had missed me and you did not like that feeling. you did not like to feel at all. i think that was the moment that you knew i meant more to you than you wanted me to. it was a defining moment to both of us…and our cursed relationship.
it was dark outside. we had not seen each other for awhile. we were on the outs. i do not remember exactly what for, but if i had to venture…it was over our circumstance. that was the only thing that caused us to have issues. you had called saying you wanted to come over. i left the door unlocked but never had any faith you were actually going to show.
right now my breathing has increased just thinking about this, and i have a tear in my eye. you are still so fresh in my heart. i love you…to this day.
i was standing on the wall by my bedroom. do you remember that damn, tiny ass little one bedroom house, w? lol. remember how we used to freeze our asses off in the winter because there was no heat in the bedroom? it just had that fucking shitty wall heater in the living room. it was a shack. i loved it.
yes. i was standing by that wall when you came in the door. the screen door had shut. you half-ass threw the front door to close it (it did not close), but froze just as you got in because there i was. my heart stopped. your heart stopped. everything in the entire world stopped that night at that moment. time stood still for us.
without taking your eyes off of mine you bent down to set what you had in your hand on the floor. then you stood back up, still standing in the same place. tears…silent tears began to fall onto my cheeks. and as i looked into your beautiful eyes, even your eyes had tears right on the surface. and yet, you still didn’t move. it seemed like a lifetime.
and then all at once, in a whirlwind of love, you moved to me. you had both arms around me, one on my waist pulling me close and the other on my back with your hand tangled up in my hair…holding my head.
you kissed me that night with more than lust. you kissed me that night with more than passion. you kissed me that night with more than love. that night, you kissed me with need.
not just any need. it was an all-consuming need. if you would not have been able to see me, to kiss me in that moment, you later swore that you would have died. inside. you would have lost the want to go on. in that moment, i believe you. now that that moment has passed, as well as more than a decade, i think you would’ve been just fine, my love.
there have been no other moments that have came close to that moment on that night. not on an emotional level. and no one has ever kissed me better than you did on that night, on that wall, in that shack of a house i rented. you, w. it’s always you. it’s always been you.
i have moved on. relationships have come and gone since you. married now…to someone who is not so different than you in ways. but where he is different it is crucial. his loves never make up for his murders. instead of passion and love i chose dependable and safe. and true to my core, i chose…emotionally handicapped and abusive.
you were more absent than emotionally abusive. you were more of an enabler of my self-destruction than an abuser. i will never forget that one time you brought me that insane amount of…the love of my life. oh, and how much alcohol did we drink over the years? that is all we ever drank. yes. all we did for each other was pull each other down.
good for each other or not, w, there are times when i’d give anything just to see you, to talk to you, to touch you. you were my best friend, not just my lover. i lost my best friend, too. my husband never laughs, w. i miss laughing.
i miss you.
i love you.