there is a scary part in the movie i am watching right now, so the start of this letter is to pull my attention away from it. i caught a little bit out of the corner of my eye as i was typing this and my heart is racing. it’s ridiculous because i have seen this movie multiple times before. it has been years, however, since i last saw it.
ok. you don’t know it because you will not read this in real time, but i’m going back to watch my movie and will return later. maybe sooner rather than later. i forgot how graphic and gory this was. yikes! i must’ve spent the first time i watched this with my hands over my eyes and the tv muted. you know how brave i am. seriously.
i need chocolate.
there’s another scary part coming up i think! so, have you noticed how much it looks like winter outside today, e? it’s crazy because the temp is 63. if you just look out the window, though, you’d think it was a classic winter day and about 25°.
it is very late now on november 30th. i have just hurt you. i have hurt you. the tears are flowing down my cheek. silent tears for a heart that is silently breaking. for two hearts that are silently breaking. i meant it. i would live a hundred more lives, e, just to take back that one moment. that one careless moment when i did not think before i spoke.
you have not treated me shitty. e, you love me and that is more than anyone else has done. please don’t let my mistake map out our future. you have misspoke in the past…and it was painful, but it wasn’t who are. it was but a moment of who you were. occasionally even the best say things they wish they could take back. i am so very sorry.
it’s now december first. so far, december has started out with soul crushing thoughts and damaged…everything. and it’s the weekend. you know what that means. when i finally fall asleep and wake up again it will start.
it will be constant. there will be no breaks this time. it’s going to be harder, and easier, because f will be home. let’s bank on him being an asshole. better yet, let’s hope for a miracle! maybe he’ll just be silent for a change.
non-stop, all day, both days of 200% self-loathing and incomparable hatred. i’m tired and i haven’t even begun. i have been compiling ammunition to use over the course of the weekend, though. the unwelcome thoughts will probably be the most damaging which means i will have to welcome them in, over and over. i might be ill just thinking about it and the pain i already feel.
some other ammunition that i have been saving up is, of course, reality. that’s always a big one. one that worked out well last time was, “i’m going to let you in on a little secret…” and the heavy hitter to have echo in my head over and over is always the “no desire” bit. all of those are great level 1 and level 3 players. there are more, naturally, but that is to list a few.
the purpose of levels 1 and 3 are to beat it into me that you have zero attraction, zero want, zero desire and zero will. those will all be easy to do, since they are fact. i have plenty of examples to fill my head with and an imagination that is better with rejection than love. easy to produce content…not easy at all to endure. not easy at all. heartbreaking. soul crushing.
now, the real meat comes in on levels 2 and 4. each level is done both days. i can’t do levels 2 and 4 consistently. i’d end my life. level 2 is all of my own negative self-talk. it’s everything i have ever thought about myself repeated over and over and over. it will make level 1 and level 3 both look like a piece of pie. it will also be a longer level. it’s a familiar level.
the real kicker and the risky one is always level 4. in a way it will be good that f will be home. it cuts down, if not eliminates, the chances of me…well, regardless, it might be good that he is home. level 4 is what i pull out when i want to suffer at the highest extent possible mentally and emotionally. spiritually, too, i suppose. it’s a crazy mental game that sometimes makes me wonder if, someday, won’t take me as hostage. it’s foolish to mess around with. level 4 really shouldn’t be played with. level 4 is what we will be discussing someday.
every single awful thing that has ever happened to me is in level 4. layered on top of that is every single awful thing i have ever seen. every awful thing i have ever done is after that. then it ends the way it started-every awful thing that has ever happened. level 4 is worse nowadays because i remember more things.
hopefully i will be beat down enough i can box it all up without problems. it will be nice if i can get exactly what i want: boxed up and put in the compartment on a level or so down. even if just for awhile. any amount of time would be great. however, i am going for total control. if i have to keep repeating this weekend i will. it’s that important to you, i know. but if i can get it done this weekend that would be ideal. it’s extremely costly, this procedure is.
the process is costly. what i am storing away is a cost all on its own. it’s so hard to rip out a piece of myself. it’s really hard to rip out a piece of myself sober. i feel like i have said this before. and if i have, i don’t care. it’s that hard and that painful i deserve to say it as many times as i want.
since i won’t be able to say anything after sunday (regarding this matter) i will probably say a few things here on and off this weekend. chill. all on the up-and-up. if it’s not i’ll warn you ahead of time. this is just so unbelievably painful.
but, for you, e, i’d do anything that i had the ability to do. a lobotomy, perhaps? i would walk away from you if you wanted me to. it would kill me, but i would. that’s one of your traits, though, that i speak of. a superior trait. you’d never ask me to. and, a part of me thinks that you would never want me to. too much love there between us.
i should go. it’s going to be a rough day and i should try and get a bit of sleep. please know that i am so sorry i hurt you.
my heart is useless if you are not loving it. my heart is useless if your heart is broken. i know you still don’t think it’s true, but i was placed inside of you. when you break, i break. or, i love you that much.
happy december first, e. less than two days…
i love you.