the power is out here and the complete silence is more than i can bear. that, combined with my process i’m doing and with your silence toward me today are all three slicing wounds too deep to take at one time. i’m bleeding out, but i don’t want to stop it.
i am in a dark room and it is sunny outside. the dark room is comforting to my dark thoughts. this silence is going to drive those dark thoughts mad. my chest is so tight i can barely move. i have already been sick today. if it’s pain i want, i have it. truth can be cruel when you live on cloud 9.
stop reading right here, e. if you are, in fact reading this, stop reading here. after this paragraph i have a feeling my mind is going to bounce back and forth between sex and hate. not hatred for you, e. your hatred for me. the sex explains itself. i’m talking things out and “purging” a bit while i still can. i will have no outlet come monday. so, be done now because after this i know not what is going to come out.
there. that should give you a bit of space without attracting too much attention to the eye. here’s your last warning, e…
level one, for the most part, is going as planned. you are cruel to me in my thoughts as you repeat reality over and over. as you are well aware, my imagination is sharp and vivid. i create an entire world of cruelty. scenario after scenario of rejection and hostility. after each mini movie i am drained and void of life. sometimes i am left crying in real life and, as mentioned, i have already been sick. reality comes in many forms. and as you stated last night, perception is reality.
there has been a time or two (i have been awake for a very long time and have watched many “movies” so far today), though, where after a particular heartbreaking movie has ended and i have laid here with silent tears, that you have slipped back in my mind all on your own. i get lost in thoughts that i am not consciously choosing. i get lost in you all over again.
in these moments you are so fresh on me anyway. you have my blood on your hands from moments before so i am extremely vulnerable to whatever thought enters my mind next. the fact that it is you makes this process harder and easier all at the same time. harder because it just increases the longing i have for you. easier because it reminds me of how strong the longing is, how hot the flame burns and what you do to my body…immediately followed by the strong right cross: you don’t long for me, you have no flame and i do nothing for your body. and just like that, i add more things to it and i escape the thoughts that were uninvited and direct another movie.
but e, those uninvited thoughts are always so welcome when they are there and they sweep me away. i see you so clearly it’s as if we were in the same room. i can smell you. i can feel you. and since these thoughts have been ignored for so long, they come rushing out like violent waves crashing into the shore.
i refuse to speak about the deeper desires of my heart because those are pointless and have no business being laid out in black and white. i have never voiced them aloud to you yet and will not start now, as i break them into pieces one by one. even those desires know not to enter my mind without permission. that is one thing i succeeded on for good last time. breaking them into pieces is not necessary…it’s just hostile and mean and i do it out of hatred…for myself. when you decide to open this compartment we might never have to worry about them. i have made it so that you are the only one that can put them back together, and you never will.
i will, however, take the opportunity to write down the more primal thoughts that have invaded my head. for a few reasons. the most productive reason being that perhaps if i write some out they will go away and i can continue on with one less obstacle. less productive reasons are that i enjoy them and i have missed them. the most valid reason for today is written above.
when you come, you always come running in, out of breath, after a movie of mine today. and like i said, this hasn’t occurred all day. some movies leave me dead enough that even you can’t make it through. you are hurried and rushed for some reason, like you are afraid you got here too late. as if i was really dead and you showed up to save me a second after i died. you come running into the room and you stop, immediately. so much fear in your eyes as you frantically look around. it is me that you are looking for and you just can’t see me.
i am here though. right here. always right here. just as you give up hope you see me. of course, you don’t get excited or happy. no. you get buried deeper with sadness and worry. you stand there, catching your breath. you are a sight for sore eyes. in real life, e. you are a sight for sore eyes.
you move toward me. and see, this is where a real desire mixes with the unwanted thoughts. the kiss. i want the kiss as much as i want your dick. it’s true. fuck the thoughts. fuck them. fuck the unwanted thoughts.
i am here and i am now. so here are my thoughts right now. and yes, if you are reading them they will be graphic and you’ll be taken back by them. you’ll wonder how. they’ve always been there. i’m saying what i want because i’ll no longer be saying anything soon enough. so read it or don’t read it…but don’t give me shit about it. and don’t act shocked. you know.
e, you know that i want you. if you want to really think it’s on a pg level, i get it. but it’s not. it’s on the xxx-don’t right home to mom-level. i kept all of it inside, for the most part. you say i never respected you? well, welcome to the real letter. and again, out of respect, here’s another warning. it’s getting graphic right now.
as far as physical desires, i want it all. i want all of you, e. i want you to kiss me. i want to know. i need to know. how. you. taste. your lips. your tongue in my mouth. my tongue, my lips and the way i taste. i want this kiss as much as the rest. this first kiss. the kiss that sends fire raging down every part of my body. this kiss that stops my heart and literally takes my breath away. this kiss…that gives me a piece of you for eternity. something to hold on to, because it would be the biggest part of you i would ever get.
and you don’t think i respected you before? you have no idea how much i was holding back and not saying. i want your hands all over me. i want your lips all over me. i want your tongue all. over. me. my breasts-yours. do whatever you want. be gentle, be naughty, be entitled. do you have them in your hands? do you have my nipple in your mouth? are you squeezing with your hand while lightly nipping with your teeth? are you pinching and twisting to cause me the slightest of pain so i raise my hips in the air to give you a better view? they’re yours. do what you want.
my neck…what have you done to it? have you ran your fingers over it? have you felt my heart rapidly beating? have you gently placed your lips upon it, e? have you breathed in my ear and sent a quiver down my body? and your tongue?
my abdomen? torso? sides? hips? inner thighs…
are you taking your time, because right now we have all the time in the world. i am yours. i need you. every ounce of you.
do you feel neglected? lay down. hair up or down? do you want it to tickle your body as i slowly make my way down…or do you want to see my face? a little of both? lay down, i said. settle.
first i will lay beside you. you are too nervous. hair down. i will take my finger and make light circles on your chest until your breathing slows and your heartbeat falls in step with mine. it’s ok. i still love you. i love you more. it’s ok. i still trust you. you are the only one i trust. e, it’s ok. your love is still pure. e…it’s ok. i know. i know that you love me. i also know that that love is limited. now settle.
i’ll slowly get up, as not to spook you, and slide a leg over you so that i can effectively look down upon your beautiful face. your face that i have longed to run my hand down, my fingers down…to hold. i will bend down and i will kiss you. your face. your lips. your ear. your neck. my tongue will roam your neck and my breath will fill your ear. hot, baited, needy.
i’ll continue to work down, kissing every inch of you. kissing and nipping, to keep you focussed. i need you to be present. i want you to be thinking only about me. i want you to be only in this moment. i don’t like to share, especially when i am taking my turn.
when i have moved down to your hips, my body is now on its knees between your legs. if u will have noticed, i have not touched you, yet. i am debating if i want to touch you first with my hands…or first with my mouth. do you have a preference? if this ever happens you can tell me then. for now, i will choose. i will choose.
part of my hair will be down now. it is soft. it will feel nice on your legs…your inner thighs…your balls…your dick. i slide my fingers down your hips lightly. just right. i want to make you squirm a bit. i want to make you miserable. i want you to want me so bad that it’s all that u can see. taste. smell. i want you to watch.
my hands are touching everywhere but where you want. they trace right along the edge. i bend over. you inhale sharply. my tongue follows in my hand’s shadow. right on the edge. you tighten. your entire body tightens. you are anxious. restless. impatient. pissy.
and just when you start to say something, all you can feel is you entering my warm, soft, wet mouth. down. i sucked you in. down. and i wait for a second. i wait for me. to hold you in for me. to savor your taste. to feel every part of you. to memorize you in my mouth. your taste. my God. my tongue moves all over inside my mouth.
and slowly i lift up, letting loose a bit so that my tongue has more room to apply more pressure as it raises. my breathing has increased. and now my hand joins you. now i get to feel you. like feathers they tickle your balls. like heaven, i make love to your head with my tongue. my mouth. and then i go down, firm. and i suck you in as i go up, firm. i slowly drag my tongue down you and at your base i move to your balls…
do you feel neglected still? now, back to me. same spot, same principle…different parts. but slide yourself back up to me, e. and look into my eyes. kiss me deep and passionately. we are both breathing so deeply. it’s time. i can’t wait anymore. i can’t take it. in my eyes you can see it.
i move my legs further apart and i lift my hands up to caress your sides, your chest, your neck…your face. you kiss me again. and again. you take control. you are strong and forceful. you come in closer to me and kiss me again and right as you pull away, you push in. in. inside. like a king. like a god. slow, purposeful…inside. we both moan. my arms move as i involuntarily put them above my head.
you kiss me. and then we begin our dance. our beautifully perfect, imperfect dance. you start out so gentle. i eventually moan, “harder.” you are pleased. harder. then it happens. we get lost in each other. we get lost in the physical. rammed, kissed, bit…caressed…carefully slidden slowly in and out…then a rush of force…pound, pound, pound…uncontrollable contractions squeeze, i am tense, my breathing stops, quickens, stops, quickens. i fall soft. you soak it in. it feeds you. you are unable to control anything anymore…your breathing is a rage of power. you make a sound…a moan? a growl? your breath is now trying to catch up to you as you fall lifeless onto me. we breathe.
we remain still.
e, it would be amazing. except it wouldn’t because you don’t want me. you are not attracted to me. i do nothing for you. i am nothing.
you want it dirtier? is that too personal? you want it more detached? i can do that, too. i have quite a few of those scenarios.
you’ve fucked me in that bathroom. i think about it every time we walk through there. you’ve fucked me about every way you can in your office: i’ve bent over, i’ve been on your desk, on the floor on my knees, on your desk with one leg lifted in the air (i’m surprisingly flexible)…i have sucked you dry countless times in there.
yes, i’ve went down on you in your office over and over. i’ve given you no warning. fyi-you liked it. and i loved every minute of it. in case you are curious, i swallow, never spit. spitting ruins the flow. and with you, baby, i’d want to have as much of you inside as possible.
i’ve sucked you dry in your van multiple times. your big cock has even deep-throated me a few times. i’ve even let you cum on my face, something no one else has gotten to do. in fact, i’ve had your cum all over my body. inside my pussy. you’ve shot your cum so far inside me that it’s amazing it didn’t come out of my mouth. whatever you want, it’s yours. you want it nasty, done. you want it naughty, done. you want it meaningful, done. you just want sex, done. you want to make love…done.
do you need it to be sexier? would you like me on top? i’ve thought about that, too. in multiple places. a bed, a couch, a chair…and you fill me up every time.
don’t want to look at me? i’ll gladly get on all fours. on a bed, on a couch, i’ll turn my back to you while you sit in a chair…on the floor. don’t want to look at me? turn the light off.
i just want you. i need you. i need you inside of me. everywhere. inside of me, all over the outside of me. you. your body. you. more than your body. but, i’ll take what i can get. i have to have you. i can almost feel you inside of me, you know. almost.
but, reality. always reality. which is this weekend, and every fucking day after. so i will engage those thoughts occasionally, because the dose of reality that comes after will make me wish i was never born. and then come monday…never again black and white. never again audible.
i love you.