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dear c,

i stumbled upon hundreds of old pictures tonight. old, as in a lifetime ago. me in my wild and reckless youth. you in your glory, before your fall. you looked good. you looked better than good.

mixed in i even found some pictures of us together. yes, i know. lol. in the same photo! side by side. together. looking like we were fond of one another. it’s ok. i won’t let those get out. it’d be a shame for anyone to see that you sometimes had a soft look in your eyes. and, of course, i found some pictures of us together where you had no softness in your eyes at all. cold and hard. don’t worry. that side of you is well known. yes, yes. i found some other pictures, too. those definitely aren’t getting out! geez.

in some of the pictures, though, i was a bit shocked to see how well we looked together. for two people who hate having their picture taken, we didn’t look half bad. you were tall. when you weren’t having me do ridiculous things to your hair, you were dark. you were handsome. sexy. i believe you made me look better than i would have been in a picture on my own. honestly i don’t know how you managed to get me in the pictures at all. you remember how fat i thought i was. ah, if only…right? of course, you know me. if i was that thin now…i would look in the mirror and still think i was fat. can’t change your spots.

we were together for longer than anyone expected. a hurricane and a tornado don’t generally mingle for long. too deadly. too powerful. too beautiful in their darkness. we were together longer than we expected, yes?

the river was fun. it would have been more fun if those two morons wouldn’t have came. you were always taking in these strays. these guys that just happened upon you and then never quite left until one day they just disappeared. actually, more like one day you would disappear from them. you felt sorry for those two, though. i saw it.

they were young. that one boy, he wasn’t maybe 18. you know i was right. and if he was 18 it was a fresh 18. you were good to him until he took an attachment to me. he was a baby. so young. he didn’t know if he wanted a mommy or a fuck by an older woman. regardless, i had to mother him because you brought him along, and i never once thought of fucking him. he was a child. besides, it was hard to think of fucking anyone else when i could fuck you anytime i wanted. that other guy was just trouble. you were no good for each other. he was a good ten years younger, which in our world equated to about 25 years younger. i was glad when he went off with our friend.

it was beautiful at the river. the river gave you a peace that kept you serene the entire four days. you were a horrible boat driver, i don’t care what you say. you maintain you tipped us on purpose each time just to get me in the water, but you just didn’t know what you were doing. crazy ass man. lol. the water was perfect, though. we couldn’t have asked for better weather either. sunny and hot. for some reason, though, i never complained.

do you remember the times we snuck away from the others? yeah, a few of those times we didn’t sneak at all. you and your big damn mouth. lol. regardless, we taught those woods a thing or two on “the birds and the bees.” it was wonderful, in nature, in the open, carefree. we never worried about anyone following us because they all knew better. even in those days i had some power. i like to play it down a bit now, but you know. i was much tougher than i give myself credit for…and i wasn’t afraid of anything. even you. in my life i had been around far more dangerous men than you ever hoped of becoming.

the nights at the river were my favorites. we all stayed up way too late enjoying the peace the water and the night sky provided. surprisingly, we were a quiet crowd. well, not surprisingly really. you and i both are quiet people. our friend is quiet. those other two kids were who-knows-where and the guy that our friend had with her was quiet. creepy, but quiet.

after everyone would eventually go to their tents to pass out from a full day of sunshine, fresh air, alcohol and substances i always lingered back. i enjoyed the alone time there. you gave me about 30 minutes each night before you’d come out to join me. we’d sit there by the water, talking about the small things in life and occasionally throwing in some things of significant value. i asked you questions and you answered. your life was a tragic story. eventually you’d become restless when the conversation started pulling up too many emotions and you would change the subject.

i was always a fan of you changing the subject. the new subject seemed to always begin with a kiss. a seductive, deep kiss. all three nights we spoke about that subject right there by the water, while everyone else was in their tents sleeping. low and slow, we’d silently discuss this. mutually. with endless ground to roll around on, we took advantage of it. yes. slow. never hurried. dare i say with a bit of emotion thrown in? those nights were some of the few nights that you held eye contact. in the moonlight, you held eye contact.

when we had rolled all the ground we wanted and released all of our tension and various other emotions that both of us spent a lifetime ignoring and avoiding, we’d rest there for a few moments longer. eventually we’d get up and go to our tent to occasionally repeat that subject through the night, early morning hours, as we saw fit. sleep was rare, but when it came it was deep. deep and needed. if you would have been uglier we would have gotten more sleep, ya know. lol.

man, c. when the memories come, the memories come. i suppose i’ll save other stories for another day. if you were to actually be reading this it would be unlikely you could handle much more than one memory at a time. this one is a good one, though. i tell ya, i’m in bed alone right now…i wouldn’t mind having you here to discuss that subject with again right now. i sure as hell wouldn’t mind discussing it off and on throughout the night.

i just heard you laugh.

you are so far away and yet somehow so close. if i found you i would want to hold you, as i always did. you were wounded and i knew that. that was my weakness. a weakness you saw and capitalized on. smart and cunning, just as i. two peas in a pod.

i worry about you.


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