you’re a failure. you’re a failure at your own rules that you laid out. if you can’t even succeed at your own rules you are doomed. doomed to a lifetime of unnecessary tension.
he will leave.
you need to get a grip. if you can’t get a grip inside, get a grip on your mouth. use your powerful abilities to be someone you’re not, for something somewhat positive for a change. i don’t understand why this is so hard for you.
i suppose i would understand if staying the course meant reaping the benefits in the end. but you should know, you do know, that there are no benefits to be had. it’s a lost cause, just as you are. it’s time for you to tuck and walk away from this foolishness that you keep spewing out into the world. keep it inside. you’re full of idiocy there. that’s its home.
it is better to go on each day and suffer in silence than it is to go on each day and try to move a mountain. to that mountain you are but a mere speck of dust. insignificant and unnoticed. the more you shout at the mountain, though, the more the mountain will grow to despise you. people can only be tolerant and kind for so long. eventually you will wear out your welcome, as well as wear out the person.
so stop now. i’m begging you. stop now. he will never change his mind. hell, you can’t even pull the tiniest, tiniest admission of current attraction from him. why? because there is nothing there. he mentions in passing rewording things so as not to hurt your feelings. think about it. think about how many things he has to say that will hurt you. the fact that he has them at the forefront of his mind…should be enough to knock you down for good.
i just don’t understand where this insane (literally insane) persistence is coming from. what the fuck is wrong with you? if you had been rejected this many times before, and occasionally somewhat…bluntly, like has happened once or twice…you’d have been so devastated you would not be able to move.
is it a beating you are after? i have given you beating after beating. are you trying to push him away? no. i know that answer for sure. no you are not. but you are the train wreck that people can’t take their eyes off of. do you think you’ll just pester him into doing what you desire? it doesn’t work like that. he has no desire. you need to repeat that every five seconds until it finally sets in.
he has no desire for you.
it’s a fact. it’s not just you trying to pound some random thought into your head to achieve some goal you have set for yourself. it is a fact. one he has repeated multiple times. how many times must you be rejected and humiliated?
not only does he not have any desire for you, he is not attracted to you at all. sure, sometimes he feels sorry for you so he will say (only when prompted) that you are attractive. it’s a slick placement of words. you and i both know that there’s a difference between someone saying that you are attractive and someone saying they are attracted to you. oh, such a huge difference, indeed.
you have done well in one area so i will congratulate you on that. you’ve managed to keep your feelings to yourself. keep it up. that’s useless, too. it’s not reciprocated and, to put it bluntly, was one of the dumbest fucking things you’ve ever let happen. your sometimes overwhelming desire for him is easier to manage than that.
seriously, get all of this silenced by tomorrow. you have failed all three days this week. it would be great if you weren’t such a fucking moron for a change. figure out a way to keep your mouth shut, p. you just have to. did you hear his tone today when he said, “i thought you got all of this taken care of this weekend?” it was full of disappointment, regret and…complete dread over having to put up with it, and you with it, again.
it’s not flattering. you are not cute. there’s nothing about this that makes him want to change his mind. all it does is solidify his answer. your flirty little quips don’t come off as charming. when someone ugly and disgusting makes flirty and suggestive comments and comebacks it only makes them look desperate, creepy and disgusting. oh, and don’t forget annoying.
if you cannot abide by the rules that you have laid out before yourself, then more drastic measures will need to be taken. as i looked over pictures i stumbled upon yesterday, i was reminded of the person i used to be. hard. cold. absent. a shell. ruthless. i saw it in my eyes, in my facial expressions, in the men i was with. it was right there staring back at me, plain as day.
hard. cold. absent. ruthless. a shell. all of those focussed inward, not outward. i showed no mercy to myself. i was afraid of nothing. there was no limit to the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain i was willing to endure. i look in the mirror now, though, and the person i see staring back at me makes me sick. physically sick.
fat. pathetic. desperate. soft. nothing. the person staring back at me in the mirror now does not even deserve to be wearing the same skin as the woman who came before. the woman who came before would have rather died than admit anything. the woman who came before would have faked everything so well that it would be highly unlikely anyone would see it in her eyes. she would smile her fake smile. she would laugh her laugh. she would be easy to be around. she would never make him feel uncomfortable. she’d have cut out her tongue before speaking words that weren’t necessary to be verbalized in this lifetime. and if, for any crazy reason, she did let things come out of her mouth that she should have had better control of, the regret would be immediate…and the punishment would have been swift and on a level of pain and torture that you, you ugly coward, have forgotten how to thrive under.
i see you in the mirror. garbage. trash. you look like you were taken out for trash day and even they didn’t want you. the landfills are even too good for you. frankly, i’m ashamed you even let anyone see you at all. you will need a closed casket, if that day ever comes. you are weak now. weak and beat down. you seem unable to inflict the pain and misery that you deserve. if that is, indeed, you will need to man up. because now that i remember who i was, that is who you will face.