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dear J,

is this it? is this the beginning of the end? too many hard blows all at one time, even for me. even for me. will today be referred to as “day one”?

i see you. i see you on the battlefield. i’m suspended in the air, life is being taken from me as i write this, but i see you. i’m vertical in the air right this moment. the handsome man, in the expensive suit, is killing me right now, but i am vertical. my eyes have connected with yours.

it’s that time again. you have my attention. i don’t care who the blows came from…but it’s your eyes i have worked hard to meet. when i lay horizontal again in the air here, on this battleground, then it all gets taken to another level. so what is going to happen?

i am so very angry. you knew that before i ever made eye contact. the minute the shift happened today, my anger shook the entire battlefield you all are standing on. it’s more than an undercurrent. it’s more than rage. death. it’s the anger of death.

you now see it in my eyes. the pain is covered with anger. the anger is covered with the evaporating soul that once was me. your eyes are unreadable. you are unreadable. anger.

the anger that rippled across the battlefield today was strong enough to even get His attention. time stood still when we made eye contact. fury is what He saw. fury and defeat. ironically, defeat breeds determination. the calendar was placed up again today. He watched me nail it to the battleground He is overseeing. today was the last straw. He is more unreadable than you are.

you both seem to be holding your breath when i look at you. when my eyes meet yours, the battle still goes on around us, but time stands still.

what is it that you are thinking right now as we make eye contact? i have been more than absent for awhile, unless seeking help for someone who needs it. i have occasionally sat with you in silence…a time or two. i have stood at His feet and screamed at Him with my soul in desolation.

so what? now what? i can feel it. the darkness is almost completely over me. today was more than i can handle. the other night was more than i can handle. and i am tired of fighting. i’m tired of trying to win. so now what? where are you now?

i know you see me. i know you hear me. and yet, nothing. i’m no good to anyone. you need to take me back. this is it. i beg and beg and beg. i’m tired of begging.

even the one you sent me, the one i love dearly, has grown tired of me. i do more harm than good to everyone i meet. in this life, there is no use for me. all i do is make him miserable. but he is too kind to quit. i could never make it without him. i love him too much. he is the only one here that loves me. but i know he will be better off without me. everyone will be better off without me.

yes, i see you. i can’t read you. i can’t feel you. but i see you. do you see me? hey. you probably wouldn’t want to hug me or touch me either. figures. it seems to really be true. i am unwanted.

fine by me. i don’t want myself, either.

are you tired of me, too? i’m tired of me. i can name a 10 people right of the top of my head who are tired of me. and yet, here i still am. the cold that just won’t leave.

you know, it all makes sense. i’ve never dreamed about the future really. there was that very brief part at the beginning of my marriage…but, obviously that was me being foolish. i never dreamed about a future because i never wanted a future.

it’s hard to want a future when you have never been loved.

and yes. i know. i did just say that he loves me. that he was the only one who does. but i can’t help but think, and feel, that sometimes he loves me out of obligation. because why, why, would anyone willingly love me? and we both know what he thinks of me otherwise. not too much at all.

if i was brave…if i was not a failure and a coward…i would get up from this bed right this instant, go grab a nice sharp knife, and slice my throat from beginning to end. just the thought of it calms my restless mind and my defeated heart. yes. if i wasn’t such a coward. i’d do it in the garage or somewhere, of course. i’d try to make cleanup as easy as possible. yes, you don’t appreciate my humor on this.

the truth is the truth, though. if i was not so weak, i’d get up from this bed this instant. i’d go grab the sharpest knife we have and i’d slit vertically down both of my wrists. that takes longer to bleed out…and it’s cold outside…so i’d probably hang in the tub. cleanup would be ok there, too. i appreciate my humor.

seriously, though, i wish i had more courage. instead of living this life i would just end it. if i was brave, i’d get up out of this bed…right this second…get dressed…get my keys…and go bowling. everything would be taken care of.

all of those other times, i had to build up the courage. you know. or, in some of the cases, it was impulse that drove me. if it is planned ahead of time, i have to work up strength to see it through. if it is impulse, everything is done in a flash. there is no thinking, no feeling (except the despair, hopelessness, and in my cases, anger). it just happens. even for me, the one who has no regard for her own life…has a kernel of fear about the unknown.

the calendar has been hung, though. i know that. hopelessness is the official feeling. and when i am finished making eye contact with you, my eyes will be void of life. this is the formal notice, i suppose. i’m dropping out. you know this, though. you knew it today. you knew it yesterday. you knew it before i was born.

today the handsome man, in the expensive suit, won. the battlefield was almost a complete loss today. tomorrow will he win? i’m guessin’ so. how many days will he win before it’s over? are you ever going to win a day? am i going to lose the person you sent to me? am i going to lose the one person i trust? should i cut and run first so i am not dropped? or will he stay?

i have to tell you, i was actually confident that you were going to win this war. i was confident that He was going to win His war. but now, i don’t know. for the first time in my life, i just don’t know.

the wind was knocked out of me today. i hadn’t even fully gotten my wind back from a few days ago. i haven’t even gotten my wind back from the giant blow yesterday. it’s been blow after blow after blow for the last week or so. everyday the handsome man has won. and he knows just where to hit and how to hit. i can’t breathe. can you not shield me for one day? will you not shield me for one day?

i can’t do it anymore. i don’t want to do it anymore. no, there isn’t a date set or anything. you know that. but i’m officially done. you can win this anytime you choose. He can win this anytime He chooses. i just can’t do it anymore, though. so i’m out. if the battles continue to rage, they will do so on bare ground. there’s nothing left of me. are you both going to stay and fight? will e stay? or will he fire me, too?

that would be the final blow.

send someone to hold me, at least. if you won’t do it, send someone in your place. please. i actually don’t ask for much, personally. i know i’m entitled to nothing. i know i am nothing. i know my worth. i know my value. but i am asking you…and it pains me a little…please. send me someone who will hold me. someone who is not afraid of me. someone who is not repulsed by me. someone who won’t throw up at the thought of touching me. someone who will simply wrap their arms around me, and keep me for a while. if you expect me to keep breathing, my heart to keep beating…you need to win a day. soon. and i need to hear someone breathing. i need to hear someone’s heart beating.

i want to shout at you both. i do. but i don’t have any words to shout. i’m empty. what else can be said that hasn’t already been said? am i a product or a person to you? a mistake and an obligation? an afterthought? leftovers? a regret?

you created me to abandon me. you created me to stare into my eyes and never speak. you created me just to hide your face from me. clinical. textbook. academic. no love. you created me to not love me? you should’ve saved your time and effort. i never wanted to be created in the first place. i never wanted to exist.

it’s never too late for you to just reverse it. erase me from people’s minds. it won’t be hard. most people that know me don’t think about me. the others who have met me have already forgotten. i’m begging You…take it back. take me back.

the calendar was hung today. i quit today. and i need just a small break from all of the right crosses and uppercuts.

we will call this “day one.”

i love you.


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