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dear e,

*this letter was written last night, and titled last night, prior to any knowledge received today*

i feel like i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. the ground has disappeared and i’m now just free-falling into darkness. i’m falling so quickly that my mind and my emotions can’t keep up.

mistakes. even while falling into the nothingness where i belong i still continue to make mistakes. i’m sorry i said that today, about your eyes. i don’t know what i am talking about. it’s extremely unlikely that i was even remotely correct. i don’t know why i do it, this pattern that you pointed out. this pattern of me being a bitch for no reason.

it’s me. i really am no good. i mean, look! i don’t even know how to make it through an hour without being an asshole during, and after. i’m so sorry.

life would be so much easier if we came with a switch, like a light switch. when we were done living all we’d have to do is simply flip the switch to the “off” position. no planning, no back-and-forth, no inner turmoil. just turn yourself off.

we somewhat do that now, i suppose. the turning ourselves off part. only, the switch is within and takes a hell of a lot of time to turn you off physically. there are many people, though, who walk through this life with their inner switch on “off.”

it’s so different this time. so heavy. there is such a heavy weight laying inside my chest. my shoulders are weighed down, too, by something extremely heavy. when i try to walk forward it’s like i’m trying to walk away while being pulled back at the same time.

i try to talk…and something grabs me around my neck, not allowing anything to escape from my face. the words inside, weighing down heavy on my chest choked dead at my neck. and the tears i would have usually just let fall…are held prisoner behind my eyes. nothing is allowed to come out. i’m not positive, but it feels like a form of punishment. if not punishment, it’s definitely the result of newfound hopelessness.

hopelessness says, “why?” and it has a point. why cry? why let it out? just to lighten the load that i carry? will it really make any difference in the long run? am i even going to make it? beyond hopelessness, i say, “no.” no more crying alone. i’m tired of it. i’m tired of…alone. alone is all that i have, it seems. it feels.

there are so many times that i find myself wishing that you and i were both unattached right now. there are countless reasons why. if i have not lost you yet, i’d like to explain why i am wishing that were the case right now. it’s simple, really. because i want to run away for a week or so. i want to disappear for a bit. i want to go somewhere secluded and just be. just be until it all comes out. just be until i no longer have complete control, a choice. and i want you there with me. i would need you there with me. but just us. no f or b. no distractions. no unnecessary awkwardness. that is why. that is the reason at the forefront of my mind right this second. i’m still too beat down from the Q&A session i incited a week, or whatever, ago to dare have anything else as a primary thought. anyway, none of it matters. that will never happen. shit, even when f is back on night’s you are so damn busy i couldn’t even get an evening, i’m sure.

i’m never going to make it.

this doctor thing was such a huge blow. it’s caused some panic. also, we were on good terms. we were on friendly terms. and i just don’t understand. i don’t understand any of it. i don’t even know what i did. this just confirms everything, though.

i mean, if i can be tossed aside so carelessly by someone who, yet again, claimed to care, it’s official. set in stone. there’s nothing inside me worth knowing. and as u know, there’s nothing on the outside worth knowing. i have nothing. i am nothing. to just be able to throw someone away like that…they mean nothing. in this case, their life literally means nothing. this is a serious literal-i have no worth and no value-example.

something in me is wrong. i do too many things incorrectly. people don’t like to be around me. hey! if i want to know what all i do wrong i could just call up j. i have to recover from your honesty first, though. i don’t know when i woke up and landed at the “lunch table” all by myself…but i’ve become that awful that professionals don’t want me around. i trusted him. i opened up to him…….i was such a fool. such a fucking fool.

it always goes back to those core phrases. my core traits. core values. i’m an idiot for not constantly reminding myself. i went soft. a younger me would have never had trusted him in the beginning. partially because i had these seared in my brain, not just my heart.

i am nothing. i am worthless. i have no value. nobody wants me. i’m an idiot. i talk too much. i’m a complete embarrassment.

everything just keeps getting heavier. i feel as though i might fall into water and get pulled under by these heavy burdens and chains. i just might.

dreaming about our week long escape that will never happen, we should go somewhere where there’s water. and woods to walk around in. water to be free in (cold or not cold, i don’t care). somewhere with a beautiful view of the night sky. i just want to be somewhere else with someone safe and not have to think about here. or have to flinch every time your doorknob turns because you move abruptly and it scares me. ok ok, that was an exaggeration, but u get the point.

other than those two obvious obstacles, then there’s your work one. you have about 50 obstacles i have one. well, i have two. i was born a woman. that seems to piss a lot of people off lately. mainly women. 🙄

so, no week away. i shouldn’t go for a week away by myself. that would just end up with alcohol, hopefully sex with men i won’t ever see (or remember) and maybe some drugs. and a lot of alcohol…in case i didn’t mention it.

my place is still always an option, but i know how you feel about it. so…you have taken it off the table. wasn’t trying to argue or pressure you. was just stating that it is still an option, should you ever choose it.

if they sold cyanide down on every corner we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. and yes. yes yes yes. i know what i told you. and then i know i turned around and said it again and explained it to you. that i’ll never leave you. ever. i’m doing my best here, g. also, wanting to go, and going are two different things.

i meant what i said. i’ll never leave you. ever. having lived with you, it’s now impossible to live without you. you make everything better. everything.

i love you.


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