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dear e,

i knew that something was going on. i had felt the shift so long ago. repeatedly i asked you about it and your answer was always “i’m just really busy.”

that was a lie, yes? well, perhaps not a lie. you just left off some. you like the lies of omission. i’m sure you have been very busy. however, you wanted to take a “breather.” over and over and over in my head. breather. it keeps going around and around.

did you and the doctor coordinate to give me two soul crushing blows in the same week? i suppose the teamwork is nice. the vomiting it has caused me isn’t that great.

you had mentioned that i was part of this breather. this is untrue. i have been more silent lately because you told me to be silent. don’t pressure you. “i’m gonna let you in on a little secret…” “you’ll never win me over with constant…” blah blah blah. so, that is why i have not been talking as much. trying to do what you wanted. be respectful. you told me not to talk. you said to leave you alone.

at least now i know i was right. sometimes it really fucking sucks to be right. you have pulled away. you are distant. your eyes were flat. and was i even right about the other? when you looked at me, you saw nothing…?

where i come from, “breather” means “break” and break means you are done. especially since you weren’t upfront about it. so many times i asked you. so many times. and then i find out like that?!

are you leaving me, too?

you know what? this is actually too much. i cannot handle this. it’s even too much to write about. i just…what the fuck do i do now? i am sincerely happy for you, taking your breather, e. i am. i just wish you would have been more upfront and honest about it…so that you wouldn’t have crushed me into a million tiny pieces. instead it would of been hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces.

this is just too much. seriously, did you and the doctor call each other up and say “hey, i’ll take wednesday!” and then you were like, “i’ll take thursday!”

i’m just so fucking stupid. all the time. i’m so fucking stupid.

i need to just stop writing to you right now. i don’t even know what to say, really. but know this: i never wanted a breather from you. i wasn’t the one who pulled away.

so it’s actually your move, not mine. you are the one who needs to breathe. take time. take a breather. take a break. take time off, away from me. however you want to word it. it’s your deal. whenever you feel like you have enough air…or enough breaths…i’ll be right here.

extremely afraid to say anything to you now. i mean, i’m such a fucking fuck up, the doctor doesn’t want me. and now i’m such a fucking fuck up, you are wanting to get away from me. if i can’t take a hint by now…or see it in the huge fucking neon letters that blink super bright, then i’m an even bigger moron than i thought i was.

i’m so sorry for everything i have done. i wish that you won’t continue to take a breather, but i understand the need to get away from me. for once, i completely get where you are coming from. sometimes people have to take space from me. i’m faulty. being around me is hard. j had it right when she said i was a hard person to love. they all had it right.

so, i get it. your need to take time. i’m absolutely devastated…but i get it. yeah…i have to go. this is too much. i can’t handle this.

you promised me that you would never leave me. you promised me! and now, i am falling completely apart.

i’m so, so very sorry, e, for everything that i have done that has caused you to need to take a breather. i hope that, by taking your breather from me you are able to get some r & r. i am a selfish and self-centered person.

i love you.


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