sometimes everything is too strong and i just can’t fight it any longer. sometimes i don’t want to fight any longer. every now and again, giving in and laying down feel perfect and right. so i do. and while i am down, i just draw a warm blanket over me.
i am not fighting today. i am taking today off because i am tired. when i say tired…i mean more than sleepy. you know what i mean. tired means on the edge of sanity, in a sense. tired means, e…i need you. i need you right fucking now. however i am me…and i will not tell you that today. you are tired, too. you are wanting to lay down as well…and draw a warm blanket over you. and you need someone, too. unfortunately, i doubt it is me.
yesterday has left me spent. today has left me spent. my entire life has left me spent. i am literally laying down right now, however i am cold. you are my warm blanket, e. like it or not, you are my comforter. how i wish you were here with me right now.
e, i am unsure of the direction this letter will take. i know that i don’t feel like editing today so it will be raw and true. today i just feel like being me. and e, it’s too late to pretend like you don’t know and that it just isn’t there. it’s unlikely it will be hardcore…but it will be real. i have not written beyond this, though, so i know not what kind of warning to properly give you. i can tell you this much…my heart is in a gentle place right now.
i never found out if you have loved a shattered vase before. if you have loved a toy that is broken. why i didn’t ask at the end, i don’t know. i feel like i am your first. you are my first whole man.
you are felt in every aspect of me, you know. much like the glue that covers every single piece of the vase that it holds together. i think that is why i sometimes have such a thin line with you…because there isn’t one. on some level you would not be able to hold me together long enough to be fixed if you did not seep into every single part of my being. if you left one small spot untouched, it would be the weak spot where another shatter would occur.
you know i love you. that is ok. it is good. loving you is good. there are so many benefits to loving you and absolutely no cons. none.
i’m not for sure why this next part is always so hard to say out loud. maybe because of the pain that comes with it? i am in love with you, too, as you already know. until recently i have viewed this as such a curse. painful and awful…mad as hell at myself for allowing it to happen.
however, i had little control over it. you, e…it is you. you are impossible not to love, in every way imaginable. even if i would have known what was happening, there is nothing i would have been able to do to stop it. some things are beyond our control. i am so thankful now.
i have realized that by falling in love with you, you have somehow managed to protect me in another valuable area. honestly, i didn’t realize it until last night. and last night i didn’t even realize i realized it. it was today when i was going over my letter to you from last night.
the letters seemed to stand out in bold, but they were typed normal, like the rest. i didn’t even recognize the significance of what i was writing when i was writing it. life seems to go like that.
for the first time in my life, though, i prioritized my body over a man.
now, i’m unsure if you are aware of what this means. you probably realize how big of a statement that is. we have known each other for awhile now. to me, though, e, i can’t remember life before you.
see, the part where you come in is the part where i decide that being miserable and pining for you is better than carelessly selling my body out for vengeance sex in some convoluted scheme to get back at you. admittedly, a scheme that would make little difference to you one way or the other, seeing how you don’t care who touches my body…where they touch it…how they touch…or how often they touch it. right? but it matters to me. and i have never been more grateful to be turned down by anyone as i am now that i was turned down by him.
you continue to protect me, e, and you aren’t even aware. yes, you are aware of quite a bit. but in the moments i have not told you about…you obviously remain clueless. i wonder now, though, if you were to read this, if this news made a bit of difference to you.
one time you told me that you felt entitled when it came to me. you said that you knew you shouldn’t, but that you did. i remember that moment well. why? because in that moment you made me feel even a bit safer than normal. entitlement. although i am confident i made it more to be than what you intended, i am still grateful for the feeling of security that that one word provides for me.
for someone who is unwanted…nothing…trash. discarded. a person who has no worth or value…even the slightest bit of claim means something. it was a light, that i was careful to keep dim. i feel that being in love with you has somehow offered similar security. at a great price, yes. but a greater price i would pay otherwise. if it weren’t for this…for you…for the feelings…i would be filling the voids with men. you and i both know it. at least you have meaning. you have worth. you have value.
you are wanted.
being in love with you is a small price to pay for the protection that has unknowingly came with it. the best part? you get to remain inactive, just as you wish. it requires no action from you. and, reality is still front and center. now, let us just pray that this protection holds up. because the desire to be touched grows more and more with each passing day.
i say “us” but that was foolish. again, i am sure it is of little difference to you, really. you have made it clear how you do not want me at all.
since i had this revelation earlier today, i have been a bit hesitant to go all in with it, though. there is a part of me that thinks that maybe choosing myself over a man is specific to just him…because he is so awful. you know what i mean? i am wondering if it were to hold up if a different man were to offer his services? perhaps c? or w? would i still say no because i am in love with you? or would i say fuck it in spite of you?
there is no logical way to explain fucking someone else to get back at you, since we are not (and have never been) together. also, since it won’t make you jealous. lol. perhaps there is still a part of me that hopes it would…does…and you are just too stubborn to admit it. let’s do a little test. you don’t even need to tell me what your score is. this test is just for you to see if you get jealous or not.
who do you dislike more? w or c? you seemed to have some sympathy for c last time, so let’s go with w. so, let’s say he calls me back, e. there’s a lot of history there. you know quite a bit of it. you’ve never been much of a fan. remember how awful he was? remember all of the times i would sit there and cry? i remember how mad you used to get. you never got as mad as g did…now he hated w. lol!
so in our pretend scenario, just to see how entitled you really do feel, we’re gonna say he calls me back and he and i meet up. we have a few drinks (because that’s what we were best at)…and then all of the stars aligned and i invite him over. things wouldn’t be awkward or anything. he knows my body better than anyone, and that’s a true statement. i know his, too. are you really ok, e, with someone else touching all over what is yours, regardless of if you want to play with it or not? if i was you, i wouldn’t be.
i mean, think more specifically. his tongue…his hands…his dick…all. over. my. body. also, my tongue…my hands…and my legs spread just for him. it doesn’t bother you at all to think of another man invading your claimed territory, even though you have yet to plant your own flag there…? i can’t stomach the thought of someone touching you. it makes me nauseated to think of you having sex with someone else. and e, you haven’t even declared yourself mine. i have no claim. whereas, i have made it fully aware that this (me) is yours…whenever you decide.
does it really not bother you? does your entitlement not extend that far?
there are a couple of things i really want you to budge on, e. you have been so firm, standing your ground. and yes, eventually i’ll quiet down and will go back to being hopeless and full of despair in this area. i will. i know reality. but i need to breathe right now, e. i cannot handle this and the other. so i am going to indulge some false hope for the next couple of weeks, while you carry my life for me.
the first thing i want you to budge on: you need to let me touch your face. yes. you read that right. i’ve wanted to for years. it’s not sexual. i need you to sit in front of me, and patiently let me touch your face, e. if it doesn’t make sense to you right now, i’m ok with that. give me this, and after it will.
this next one you’ll never budge on, by my God…i want you to. kiss me. yes. you read that right, as well. kiss me. like you mean it. i want a kiss. that’s all i’ll say about that, unless you request more.
there are many more smaller things i want you to budge on…but that is more than enough for now. don’t worry. i have no false hopes here. lol. but, it’s nice to get it out! yes? don’t you ever just want to get it out, e? do you ever get tired of being so refined? yes…i’m sure you do. i know it’s hard…and i know i don’t make it any easier. it is a good thing these moments of lack of self-control come less often, yes? good for you, that is. i know you prefer silence. it’s of little comfort, i’m sure…but if you only knew everything i am holding back i feel like you would have more respect for me. a higher appreciation. however, it is unlikely you will ever know. i mean, i am holding it back after all.
i am not ready to go yet. i’m not ready to stop writing you, e. my being is still too full of you. i need to let a bit more of you out here, or i will find myself letting it out with you. so, let me see.
we spoke about my wonderful nap idea again today. now i know without a doubt that there’s a part of you that loves that idea. don’t even bother arguing. the thought of taking a nap and getting some rest is seductive in itself to you. lol. forget about me being here.
there is a two day window this week, you know. tomorrow and wednesday. you won’t take me up on my offer, i know. i wish you would, though. you say it’s unsafe. i suspect you think it’s dangerous. i’m not for sure how, though. for a man who insists on not being attracted to me, there would be no danger in the situation at all. i can control myself in person. i’d assume there’d be nothing for you to control…
so, let’s talk about our nap, shall we? and since we aren’t in person…who knows where it will go. sleeping, i’m sure. it is a nap, after all. also, i have promised you to nap with clothes on this time. you know how i hate sleeping in clothes. so suffocating. seriously. for you, though…clothes. for the chance to actually get some worry-free sleep, clothes. e…for the chance to feel safe again, i’ll wrap myself up in a blanket just to be near you.
you are going to have to touch me, though. it is my love language, remember? the only other time i ever felt safe…you were touching me. so we will come up with touch in a neutral zone. neutral, but also letting me have a little. i mean…i get told “no” so many times lately. so, hear me out.
are you much of a snuggler? perhaps i can carefully inch my way in and lay my head on your chest…but also on your arm. yes? that’s about as neutral as i can think. i mean, one of my arms/hands will be completely trapped! the other i will gently lay on your chest. since this nap is never going to happen…let’s shift gears and i’ll just tell you how i actually want to nap with you. however, i’ll still wear clothes…because i’m sure you’d prefer it that way. sigh.
yes, we will lay like that. it’s comfortable and it’s easy, especially for two people who have never laid next to each other. it’s a go-to position for intimacy, without having to be intimate on the next levels. no eye contact, no touching in sensitive areas. it is, in fact, a neutral zone. so…in person if we really napped, this is where it would start and end. we snuggle, we sleep. fair enough, yes?
now for my nap! yes, that is the position we can start in. no, my hand will not be still on your chest. yes, part of my body will be draped over your body. yes, e, i will smell your neck. i will inhale long and hard and then hold my breath for a moment while i close my eyes. then you will feel me exhale slowly back onto your neck. after that i will force myself to settle in. however, again, my hand will not be still upon you. i won’t waste a good moment, e.
you do know that when we nap i will have to cover up. that is actually because i get cold. i keep it cold in here because i can’t stand to be hot. i run hot, you know. so, don’t be alarmed by the blanket. it’s not a trap! lol.
my fingers will roam your chest, e. i want to feel you. even if it’s with your clothes on, i want to feel your heart beating. i want to run my fingers along your neck. your chin. your face. during this time, i’ll use my fingers to memorize your features. your features above your belt. i’ll run my fingers up and down your arm. and e, i will draw closer to you, even though i’m sure it will be impossible to become closer than we already are. but i will draw nearer anyway.
i’ll ball a piece of your shirt up in my fist as i try to get comfortable. as i try to become more intimate…without being intimate. it will be natural. reflex. my body will naturally press into yours. i won’t even be thinking about it. the smell of you is mesmerizing. you will have me under your spell. so if i am not asleep on you…i will be awake on you. i’ll be breathing you in through your shirt. and even though you’ll fight it…if i’m awake and you are awake, the shoulder that my head is on…that arm will wrap around my body, holding me close as i press into you. it is natural. it will be your reflex.
if you fall asleep before i do, i am going to steal a kiss.
i will, too. i’ll be stealing a kiss from your lips, from your neck…if you fall asleep…i will steal more than one kiss during our nap. and i won’t apologize for it if it wakes you up. and e…my kisses will wake you up. i’ll see to it that they do. in this fantasy nap here, anyway. during a real nap…i’d be stealth. you’d never know. but right now, for this nap…you will know. i’ll make you know. it will be impossible for you not to kiss me back. reflex. it’ll just be your reflex.
of course, if you choose to budge and kiss me here…then i am no longer held to nap standards. a kiss during a nap opens up a different world. a wonderful world. if you ever choose to budge, e, on the kiss…anywhere…my breath will catch. my heart will stop. i will melt right into you. that is a promise. so make sure you’ve got me…because my knees might buckle. how do i know? because i know me…and i know you. that is how i know.
just so you don’t kill me…during our nap, if you choose to kiss me then, kiss me deeply and passionately and then release for a moment so i can catch my breath and my heart can resume its beating. yes. after that, though, come back in, e. and kiss me however you want. my breath will catch…my heart will stop. at this point i’ll no longer be on you. you’ll be on me. reflex.
perhaps i should end it here. i’m sure you’d appreciate that. my mind will go on, though. it will go on like it has, a thousand times before. i constantly dream of a world i’ll never get to visit. not even once. my heart remains broken. it truly is broken.
you somewhat laugh yourself off. you talk yourself down. the age, the rope…the this, the that. but you are only talking to yourself when you do that. i know what i see. i know who i know. and e, i know what i feel. the other day…maybe last week? you said that you just didn’t see the point in doing this one time. e…do this with me one time, and i’ll show you the point. it’s more than sex. you’ll feel it in just one time. i swear it. and if you want a preview without the sex, place your hand on my heart and close your eyes. you will know then. yes. you will know then.
if you want a preview without the sex…kiss me. you’ll know then, as well.
i love you.