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dear e,

today was…wonderful. you made me laugh today. real laughs. you made me smile today. smiles that filled my eyes. today you made a day bearable. i had time on this earth that was enjoyable. each minute i get to spend with you has value. every second i spend with you makes it ok to be alive…but for those moments only.

it was extremely hard to leave you today. a gut wrenching pain that almost left me immobile. i suspect partially because of how light you made me feel today. how refreshing and nice it was to just be. you’re the only person i can just be with. no expectations, no demands. acceptance. you make the room breathe.

i almost couldn’t make myself stand. my legs didn’t want to cooperate. although, they had nothing to cooperate with. my brain was unwilling to move as well. i’ve never had a harder time leaving anyone. a large reason…fear. going back out into the unknown. going back out into this world without you makes my soul freeze right now. impending doom looms around my being. leaving your safety was nauseating today. i needed you longer. i need you still. my eyes are heavy with burden and worry now.

and obviously, the desire inside for you today played a part in the difficulty of leaving you behind. however, you would be surprised at how small a part it had when compared to the other two. a part nonetheless, though. it seeped out of every pore i had today and i couldn’t reign it in. even you saw it, like a raging sea, crashing in my eyes. you should have felt my heart rate today. it never slowed down. it pounded hard and fast. you looked so beautiful today. so handsome. so sexy. i wish i would have come closer to you behind the locked door.

when i woke up this morning, e, i knew that today was going to be one of two options. i was either going to break apart into a thousand pieces or i was going to focus on lust. risking falling apart into a thousand pieces in front of someone who would just watch was too much for me today. besides, you needed a break. you needed a laugh. you needed a friend. and baby, regardless of whether or not you admit it…you needed me with you today, full of passion and sex. full of lust and desire. even the strongest need to feel wanted from time to time. and i heard you. i heard your voice. what went said and unsaid over the last few days. overwhelmed, burdened, helpless, frustrated. this small distraction this one time did you some good.

never tell me that you have disappointed me again. if you do, i will grab you, draw you close and kiss you right then. for the last time, e, you are never a disappointment to me. you never will be. i cannot handle your incredibly sad eyes as you struggle with what you perceive as disappoint done at your hands. it breaks my heart to see your beautiful eyes so sad.

there are things i need from you that you cannot give. it is who you are. just as pursuing them right now is just who i am. i am no more disappointed in you for being who you are as i am for my dog being who she is. she cannot speak…i don’t hold that against her. of course, there is one major difference between you two. if my dog could speak she would choose to. if you could fulfill my needs…would you?

ever since i have left you i have been freezing cold. i can’t get myself to warm up. it’s awful. i can’t help but assume that it is more than the temperature outside. primarily because i am inside. also, i was so warm when i was there.

today i left you on a sad note, but not because of anything you said or did. you were…so wonderful, as i have mentioned. for some reason today my heart broke in two when i left. i suspect you never have a difficult time saying goodbye to me, and it is likely that your world is very different than mine. also, i’m positive that when you see me, i’m not the highlight of your day. i’m sure it’s hard for you to understand.

the day was the 27th. i was going to do it in the morning. the plan was to get up early, take care of the girls and then sneak out. i was not intending to say goodbye to him. it would make little difference. location was remaining the same. e, i wasn’t going to “write” you…i was going to call you to say goodbye. it’s odd how you said that today…that i never call, but that i write. after you, a text to g. then the proper authorities.

i have not taken any xanax in a while. stockpiling for just such an occasion. when mixed with other things, they are an effective helper. you mentioned them today.

i didn’t give my life to you to lie and end it anyway. if that was the case i’d have never given it away in the first place. i’d never dick you around like that. ever. so rest easy. i’m only telling you the day so you’ll know for when that day comes. it’s likely i will not be in a good place that day. it will be dark. i’ll feel like something has been stolen from me.

the last time, when you swooped in and actually did foil my plans…when the day came that i had planned, it felt like i was bleeding from every single part of me inside. gushing blood. horrible pain. on that day it was as if i was being strangled from the inside. my eyes were blinded by darkness all day. and it felt like a piece of me had been stolen away…a piece i wanted, and still want, back. i suspect it will be similar on the 27th.

i only told you the plan so that you would know…that i said goodbye to you.

today you told me that you love me. you didn’t hesitate. it came out of your mouth, plain as day. it was like you had said it a hundred times before. did you plan to say it today because i had that realization the other day, e? is that why? or did you say it because you felt it and it needed to come out?

you asked about my favorite song. oddly i froze up and was reluctant to answer. i’m not for sure why. it’s no secret. it’s 3 a.m. by matchbox 20. the version i love is a version where it is just rob at a piano. you can’t find it on the internet anymore. however, i have it. found it about 20 years ago and somehow managed to save it as a digital song back then. it still holds up today…crystal clear. the song is like you, e. a warm blanket…a comforter.

you mentioned your favorite classical song. i love that about you. one of the many things. the fact that you mentioned classical is a quality very unique to you. my second favorite song, that wraps me up tight every time i hear it is pachelbel’s canon in d. on most days it takes my breath away at the same place every time. any mood, any day, any hour. it is a very close second.

as far as jazz…and blues…my love runs deep and i can’t pick a song or one artist. same with rock. one thing my dad did right, e. i’m well cultured and well versed in music. it’s part of my soul. one of the very few things i love about life. i tend to be soft inside, so the music i primarily listen to flows along those lines. me. lyrics are just important as sound. but i love all music, just about. my only exceptions are the screaming ones. i don’t like that. and i don’t like any of the directions a lot of the current musicians are taking with their music. i suppose i’m one of those people that believe you’ll never be able to outdo the great legends and the stuff nowadays is just noise. has been for a very long time. that said, when in certain moods i can gangsta rap with the best if them. again, the older stuff, though. lol. well, i suppose it’s considered older now.

i sing all the time. i never sing in front of another person. i rarely dance.

my favorite instrument…piano.

something no one knows: i have always wanted to be right by a piano, eyes closed, while a man played me a song.

something else no one knows: i don’t like pot, e. never have. even used to turn it down, all the time. of course, i’ve smoked more than my fair share. however, that’s mainly when it was all that i had…or i was so loaded i didn’t pay any attention.

i miss you now more than when i left you. even after all of this talk, all of the trying to figure it out…i still really don’t know why. it is a pain inside that i have yet to feel with you. it brings tears. i know not it’s origin. however, it feels final. i hope it isn’t. please tell me as soon as you read this that it isn’t…and that this feeling is all part of some sinister plot, concocted by someone who only seeks my destruction. finality with you is something i absolutely cannot take right now. it would destroy me.

i must go for the time being.

oh, but before i go. you spoke a half sentence so i have no clue what you were trying to say, but e…if i wrote a book, regardless of what kind it was…i would not send it in for publication if you had not read it first. you said something about you had read other things i wrote and then you said “so…” and then you trailed off…but it matters to me what you think. so…if i ever managed to take the time to write a book (it’s highly unlikely it would be of that variety, but you never know) and you didn’t want to read it…i would be very hurt.

i love you.


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