today (12/23) was the day that the last of my hope died. hope for anything. i had lost all hope for concrete things long ago and have been currently surviving on a hope for…something of pleasure, not of necessity. no more.
there is only one word i can think of to describe what happened to me today. murder. stabbed in the heart, slashed at the throat and shot in the head. murder. swift. violent. bloody.
i was murdered today.
it is my own fault. yes. my own fault. i waved around my flag of hope, arrogantly and without fear. i left my hope vulnerable to a world that…i hate. my voice invited the gun. my eyes invited the knife. just like lt. john j. dunbar, i rode the horse in between both sides of the battlefield. just like he did i put my arms out to my sides in the air and invited the bullets to take me out. unlike him, the bullets have pierced me. i have been murdered.
hope. the driving force behind mankind. everyone needs some form of hope to continue on in this miserable fucking world. mine is gone. you know what? i just don’t care anymore. is that a product of being completely hopeless? is that a product of being exhausted? perhaps both. regardless, i no longer have the want, or the will, to carry on.
i have been murdered. unfortunately i’ve only been murdered on the inside. how much more gracious it would have been if it were my body that was murdered instead. a cruel world we live in. forced to live day-to-day as a shell. made to get up, function and simply exist.
sadness and emptiness have ahold of me right now. i’m adjusting to living with absolutely no hope for anything. i’ve been here before. eventually i will grow numb and my need for companionship and love will disappear along with the hope that once occupied my being. i’ve lost hope in many things throughout my life. it is a process. a painful process. and when that final bit of hope, whatever it is for, dies…you die too. painfully. it is quick and slow at the same time.
what i am looking forward to is the day the pain is murdered. yes. i long for that day right now, in fact. however, i have no control. rushing it is out of the question. commanding it to show up this day, this hour, this minute is just not possible. so i will wait patiently.
do you know what murders pain? rage. rage murders pain. a blinding, hot rage that cannot be contained within, murders not only pain but everything else inside that is in its way. love. life. innocence. hope. rage can only be calmed by one thing. rage can only be beaten by one thing. the love of another.
so rage will eventually come. pain will call upon rage to come and murder it. pain does not like to exist for too long. i do not like it when pain lingers for too long. bury it, kill it, stifle it…i don’t care. just quiet it. there is a sweet, seductive call to me from rage. yes. forever beckoning me, as it rips me apart. when rage comes this time i will not set any limits for it.
free reign. i’ll give rage free reign to do as it pleases. kill everything that is left of me. kill me whole. in one move or a constant pressing, get in here right now. set up camp. let’s show them how you do this efficiently and effectively.
pull out your weapons. self-loathing. self-destruction. bring out your “negative” self-talk, or as i like to call it “accurate” self-talk. rage on without heed. kill every last living part inside me, and then finish me off physically. take advantage of being 100% hopeless. there is no reason for me to fight you. i’ll stand still. land that last final blow.
without hope there is no reason for anything. i’ve no more desire to speak. what is the point? i no longer have the desire to eat. to sleep. to fake a smile or smile at the tons of bullshit anyone has brought my way. nothing matters anymore. all of my hope is gone now. the light has left my eyes and only emptiness remains.
i needed something to have hope for. i needed something to hope for. i needed a reason to stay alive.
wait. that’s all there is left to do. wait. wait for rage to win or despair to win. who knows how long-years, months? unlikely it will be days. and unless i keel over from natural causes within the next few minutes, it won’t be any of the smaller amounts either. life is one big waiting game.
if i need to do a recap of my life, i have thought of a condensed version that conveys everything the full version would. i was born. i was unwanted. i waited to die. i died. there it is. all of it in four sentences. does anymore really need to be said?
i have been wrong about one thing in this letter. sleep. it whispers my name. i long for it. perhaps i can sleep the remainder of my life away? the nightmares i have when my eyes are closed are better than the nightmare of being awake. i’d rather be haunted by him than be cast aside and left unwanted in real time by another individual. his face and those memories are more pleasant than being conscious in a life lived that contains no hope.
i’m not one to believe in the cosmic. i don’t put my faith in psychics or astrological signs. however, the descriptions seem to be on point with me from time to time. with all of the descriptions out there, mathematically speaking, the odds were in my favor of someday running across a description that hits home. that being said, i am officially closed off now. i have crawled back into my shell.
all of my walls are back up around me. they are stronger and more durable than ever. it will be a cold day in hell before someone gets through now. not impossible, but unlikely. only i know a way in. i know the secret password that will break down these walls. however, it is unlikely it will ever be given out again. there’s no need. there’s no hope. also, no one else will try.
it will be comfortable in here. i’ll go get my favorite pillow and blanket and find a nice, quiet spot to rest my eyes. my tired, hollow, distant and glazed over eyes that no one bothers to look in anymore. i’m counting on the sleep to wipe away the memories of a life that once carried a hope of things possible as far as the eye could see. i’m counting on sleep to wipe away all of my memories, period.
come, rage. come soon. wipe me out before pain makes me weak and i can change my mind. hurry, rage. hurry and come to me before another can come along and breathe life into my hopeless body. rage, come and strike that final blow that only you have the weapon to use. i am waiting, in agony.