i’m sitting here in the living room by myself. i have come to a conclusion about something just now. i mean, like, just now. it’s unlikely you will like my conclusion, but it is what it is. i am who i am. you are who you are.
i can’t quit asking you any questions.
you said it may be time. i’m telling you it isn’t time. your answers might always be the same…but so is my desire. it will be time to stop asking certain questions when one of those two things change. i’ll do what i can to quiet myself externally…but i can’t quit asking you.
you’ll see it in my eyes. you’ll see it every time my head looks at the floor. you’ll hear it when you say something or do something and my heart skips a beat. you’ll hear it when my breathing changes. you will feel it if you ever get close enough to actually feel my heart beat…or my breath catch. it is what it is.
the great news for you now? you have taken my hope away. when i ask you these questions my eyes will be empty. there will be no expectation. you will be able to see the “no” inside me before you ever answer me out loud. i will ask and will not wait for your answer before it is reflected within me. your answer is written upon every part of my being. there is no mistake.
i will still ask.
a movie was just on and it made me think of you. i was actually not thinking of you until a certain point. clint eastwood. a love scene. there you were in my mind. you were in his place on screen. it’s impossible for me not to think of you when intimate scenes come up in movies or tv shows. you just…show up. my heart starts racing, my body gets numb and i immediately get aroused…at just the thought of you. i never stand a chance.
it’s the same for me when you slip into my mind at any time. heat. a sudden rush of heat. life. the only time i feel alive. my entire body comes alive and my head goes silent. wonderful. everything about it is wonderful. wonderful. everything about you is wonderful. everything about you would be wonderful. how do i know? i know.
i can tell by your eyes and your body language. that millisecond flash of darkness that happens once every one million seconds we spend together. it slips out of you so fast that i don’t even think you are aware of it. i never know who you are thinking of in those flashes…i don’t want to know. my heart is broken enough. but i see it. and dear God, it is sexy as hell.
that flash of darkness and the way your face follows your eyes. your body tenses up. it happens so fast. no one else would ever notice. i’m 100% positive. and also, i’m 100% positive that i see what i see. you can say it isn’t there, but you are wrong. again…i don’t know who you are thinking about in that millisecond…and i don’t want to know…but i am always filled with a fiery hot ache deep within my most personal spots. i melt. right there, right then i melt. in those moments you could have anything you wanted. it’s just a shame those moments are so rare.
today i have been so lost in thought on other matters that you have gotten the day off, in my mind. actually, you have gotten the last week off pretty much. i suppose that one message you sent was enough to shut me up and shut you out for awhile. pain does that to me. intense pain does that to me. i suppose silence is the best reaction. i’m sure you finally appreciate the silence.
today has been primarily about me, though. it’s the 27th. the end of the day. 8:44 pm. too late for me to do anything now. it would be extremely inconvenient. also, it’s windy and is turning cold. mainly, though, i just don’t have the will to move. i am so sad that i don’t even have the will to go bowling. there is low…and then there is defeated.
i wish that it would just end on its own and that i wouldn’t have to be the one who did it. i’m so tired of this responsibility. i’m just so tired. i want…to be gone. and yet here i am. perhaps just giving up entirely is the best way to achieve this goal. forget about…everything. live without limits. live without care. live without caution. i can’t carry this burden any longer. so i’m either going to do it…or trash it. either way, it’s done.
i gave it to you…but you seem to…take the entire thing lighter than i do. a “decision” as opposed to a “life.” or “self-harm” as opposed to “self-termination.” i believe this has happened because you have become numb to it. i throw it around as if it were nothing. i talk about it as if it were nothing. so it makes sense that when given to you…it would be regarded as not much of anything really.
it’s just another day of p talking. talk. that’s all she is full of. talk. never any action. you’ve never seen any action. how serious can you take it all when you have never known any real cause to? it isn’t your fault. it’s mine. it’s mine for bringing all of it up time and time again. i’m like the boy who cried wolf. at some point you no longer hear him.
so i believe that this last time will be the last time i mention it. i have always been a firm believer in “if you really want to do it, just do it.” no talk. no asking someone to hold your life…or decision. however the fuck you want to word it. none of that bullshit. i suppose that was all just me making some small attempt at…i don’t know. progress? but let’s face it-would i have went through with it if i didn’t ask you to bail me out? unlikely. hence you bailing me out. if i’m going to ask you to bail me out…i don’t need to ask you anything. and really, you were so busy what would you have possibly done if i would have called on you? nothing. that’s what you would have done. nothing. because i did call on you…and nothing.
again, i’m sure you did nothing because you knew you didn’t need to do anything. i didn’t know it at the time. it sure was devastating. but, hey, here i am, right? no harm, no foul. it’s a good lesson for me to learn. this latest time has been full of lessons. lessons i should have already known.
i’m not a genius. it’s certainly not apparent at all these days. i miss obvious things right in front of my face. i…am average, at best. that sentence right there…that is a killshot. it’s truth, but delivers one hell of a blow.
anyway, back to what i was saying. it’s a joke to you, it’s crap to me. so…no more. why reach out? it’s pointless. if i am wanting to reach out i suspect i will have no follow-through. why reach out then? from now on i’m either going to do it…or not do it. the struggle in between you’ll never have to listen to again. and if i do it, you won’t have time to worry. you won’t know anything about it until it’s done. i will be the boy who cried wolf no more. i will be a joke no longer.
with you speaking to me less and less…and seemingly caring less and less, it is beginning to take its toll. i fill my head with my own voice now. my own thoughts. i just read this article that said people are never truly busy. it all depends on where you fall on their list of priorities. i believe this to be true. in my life i can think of certain tasks that i must accomplish. however, add in certain people and i will work around the people…not around the task. there’s no shame in it. it is just life.
i am completely used to not being a priority. in fact, i have never been a priority for anyone. i’ve never even made a top 10 list before. we don’t need to discuss what priority i was for my parents…because i flat out wasn’t. and w? i came behind a long list of people. i was a priority when he had no other responsibilities or obligations. i was a priority when it was convenient for him. ah, i was a priority when it would serve him best. now that i think about it, there’s really no need to list out the bulk of the others i was going to list. they are all along the same lines as w. i suspect even you, e. it is what it is. life.
people who are nothing are never priorities. i am laughing right now, because even on the verge of death i am not a priority. it’s funny because it’s true. it’s funny because it proves that i am nothing and that i have no worth or value. at the end of the day, in the middle of the day, at the beginning of the day…nothing. i am merely a person people bring out when it is convenient and they expect to be quiet until that time. yes, i’m still smirking a bit. i do love to be right. it used to bother me, that i was nothing and was never a priority for anyone. now…notsomuch. i mean, there are times when it still stings. but if i just sit back and think it through my final thought is always what else do you expect?
it is what it is.
oh! i’m a priority for my cat and dog. yes. they love me very much. my dog and cat are so clingy. i believe it involves more than the food and shelter i provide for them, too. after all, f is here too and yet they prefer me. maybe i’m their priority because they love me. i don’t know. my guess is it’s simply because they are animals…and we don’t deserve them. they are too good and pure for us.
i’m lying in bed now, wondering if i should post this letter. my feelings and thoughts might come off a bit harsh. before i post it i will definitely reread and correct things here and there. if i decide that things would be too much for you to read, that they would hurt you, i will delete them out and keep them to myself. sometimes i hurt you and i do not mean to.
for now, though, i will continue to write. i’m unsure what i will write about, or for how much longer. i have grown extremely negative and cynical over the course of this letter…realizing a few things i had yet to realize. i’m not for sure how much good it does me to realize certain things sometimes, though. most of the time i do nothing with the realizations. i swallow them. they will just go to my grave with me.
at this very second what i have on my mind is…what it is. and, although i was going to talk about it with you i have just decided against it. so…here is where i leave. it is what it is.
i love you.