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translations

dear e,

i miss you so much right now. we feel like we are an ocean apart. i tried swimming to you, but you never pulled me out of the water. i can’t take the silence or the distance.

if you read this you will tell me that you are just busy. however, priorities are what you make them. knowing that makes me feel so…insignificant. why? because i’m not even close to being a priority in your eyes. even worse? your heart.

i shouldn’t care, though. it shouldn’t bother me. it does, but it shouldn’t. sadness. great sadness. you tell me that you love me frequently, and i am grateful. grateful that you do love me, and grateful that you tell me. but e, when i need to hear it the most you purposely withhold it. why? is it a power thing? do you do it just to be mean? because you know when i need to hear that you love me. you know. you choose to say nothing.

my insecurities run deep. by choosing to keep silent you have me second guessing everything you worked so hard to have me believe. this is frustrating to the both of us.

ignored and beat down, once again. will i ever learn? it is doubtful. i am a fool. a fool for you, e. exposed and vulnerable. something you claim not to take advantage of, but in your own little ways you do. it’s ok. i like it when you do.

it’s funny, though. when i pull away you don’t like it. you come down hard on me, which is what i need and want. when you pull away you deny it and make excuses. and then when you finally admit to it you tell me it is because you were trying not to be mean. i’m gonna let you in on a little secret: telling me you are struggling with being mean is just as hurtful as if you were mean. it’s just a smaller knife.

my being can’t go on much longer without seeing you. hearing your voice. looking at you in front of me, beside me. breathing in the air we share. i just can’t. for whatever reason this is where i’m at. i need you. i need you in every way. but i will take you in any way i can get you. it’s my mind, my heart, my soul…they all just stop functioning without you.

maybe you should have never saved me.

maybe that was a mistake. perhaps you have even thought this yourself? that you made a mistake when you saved me. maybe you have “buyer’s remorse.” it makes sense. when you save a stray, you inherit a stray. a rule you probably weren’t aware of, right? now what? you want to take me and leave me at the shelter…but your conscience is giving you grief? i get it. if i was a thoughtful stray i’d just leave you be.

maybe i should. i am selfish, though. selfish. and i don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t a part of my every day. this is your fault. yes. because you are you.

and since i have lived with you it is now impossible to live without you.

well, i can cease living. that would be ok. but…i do not wish to live in this life without your voice to comfort me. i just wish you were more consistent. one day you can’t get enough of me. another day you want no part of me. hot and cold, on strictly a friend and soulmate level. your temp never varies on the other level. don’t worry. you remain freezing cold there at all times. reality. i know it well.

if i could change reality i would. probably not to the extent that you think i would, though. no. i’m not really what you (anyone) would call a “keeper.” you’d never be happy with me. i’d never be good enough. i’d never be enough. in comparison to all those you have had on a relational basis, i would never measure up. i’m not worth anything. i have no value. i’m worthless. so i’d never put you through that. i’m not someone you would choose for the long run. i’m not good enough.

however, on a lesser level i am sufficient. i would change that reality. primarily for selfish reasons, you are correct. yes. if i could i would have you on a less than part time basis. less than part time. i’m not even worth part time. now, don’t be mixing up what i say with what you hear. i’m saying i’m not worth it. i’m not saying that you are not worth it. because you are. you more than are. you are more than enough. you are a “keeper.” i am not saying that i wouldn’t gladly trade out that reality, as well. on my side…you are light and love. you bring out the very best in me. you make me a better person. you allow me to love. but again, i’m not worth it.

so the reality i would trade would be a physical reality. settling to have you once, because i can’t seem to quiet that need or desire yet. and because i am selfish. my body is selfish. because you are heaven.

because you are worth it.

wishing and dreaming is what i will have to settle for for right now, though. it is what it is. so i will continue to wish big…and dream vividly. the more absent you are, the more i must dream. it’s torture enough to have to endure my days on this earth. it’s slow death when you choose to become silent.

next time, e, maybe you shouldn’t save me. if you don’t save me you don’t have to keep me. it would be like getting rid of a bad penny. e…it would be like not having to find, or carry, that lost coin. lighter.

hopelessness will kill me eventually, though, and then you will no longer have to worry about any of it. it will kill me within and then i will grow silent. much like before. so perhaps if you can wait it out just a little while longer…i’ll take care of myself…myself. and just fyi, hopelessness involves a whole lot more than just you. you have your own chapter…maybe more than one chapter. but in the book of hopelessness, there are many chapters. it’s a big book.

i am tired.

i love you.

-p

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