today i am…me. the topic for today? why are things so much easier to write than to voice out loud, using my mouth and actual words? also, why are things easier to take when read versus when heard face-to-face?
i think the answer is the same for all of those questions. reactions. fear and reactions. afraid of the reactions i will see, and also afraid of the reactions others will see. some things are hard to hide. especially that first bite of emotion, good or bad.
you told me you love me when i saw you last. i could kick myself a million times over for the regrets i have surrounding that moment. i would give anything to hear you tell me you love me again. partially because it made my being happy to hear, and partially because i want to see what my reactions will be the second time around.
the written word is easy to reply to most of the time. you tell me you love me, i tell you that i love you, too. all emotions are easily expressed through the written word. well, wait. i take that back. believe it or not, i have a couple of things that i have yet been able to express to you, even in black and white. some emotions…some things…are too big to risk. “bigger than love?” you ask. yes. perhaps those will come out to you in time, although i’m almost certain you could care less, one way or the other. well, about any of this really.
right now, though, it is on my mind. i wish that when you told me that you loved me i would not have dropped my gaze. it wasn’t even some grand proclamation of love! it was merely you stating a fact that you do love me. as one loves puppies and kittens, i assume. and yet, the words came out of your mouth and my eyes fell instantly. perhaps before you had gotten everything completely out. the floor is my go-too focal point. yes, i know i was afraid of you seeing my reaction.
written words have so much power. however, there will never be an adequate substitute for the spoken language. to hear it in one body part, have it twist around your entire body and finally settled in your being…with no filters…is quite the miracle of language and love. ah, and language and hate. to have someone across from you open themself up like that…is the ultimate gift. any love proclaimed, any facet…a uniqueness. the world disappears and then there were two. just two. relational likeness makes no difference. a proclamation of true love, however intended, is nothing short of…amazing. siblings, grandchildren, spouse, lover…regardless of the type, love can be life changing.
over and over in my mind i replay the scenario. you caught me so off guard. i didn’t know that it was coming. i had no time for preparation. no time preparing to steady myself, act casual and aloof. no. i was completely knocked over, wind and all. the mark of great love. the indicator of the true power those words hold when coming from your lips to my ears. tell me again and again. it is nice to hear that someone claims to love me. it quiets me on levels i never knew needed quieted.
tell me again, e, so i can see how i react. tell me again when we see each other. no warning. i want to know what i do. and after, later during our time together, tell me again. over and over, please tell me. tell me until my eyes don’t run away and i believe those words coming out of your mouth. tell me repeatedly until your eyes hold mine steady and i trust you enough to show you my true reaction. eyes only. i wonder if i could do it.
i love you, you know. of course you know. i believe i told you that i loved you first. perhaps that is why i always wonder if you really do love me? are you just returning words first said, or do they come from a deeper place with great meaning? you have no idea how upset i am with myself about being incapable of telling you that i love you verbally. speaking those words out into the universe and into your very ears.
it is such a leap of faith to tell someone that you love them. let alone when in the same room, about a foot apart. it’s the ultimate sign of trust. well, one ultimate sign of trust. i believe another ultimate sign of trust would be allowing another to view you naked…and own your body. yes, that takes trust. the viewing more than the owning. well, it takes an indescribable amount of trust for me. you know how i feel about myself.
i talk a good game. confident. and i am extremely confident in my abilities. there is no confidence or pride with myself as a whole, though. i’m afraid of everything…everyone. would i even trust you to see me naked and not hurt me? no. probably not. which would be why i would never look into your eyes when they were looking at my naked body. i’d never want to see the disappointment or disgust that you would show through your eyes. it would be too much. my desire for you would outweigh my personal body issues, but i would never be able to not drop my gaze from yours while you stood upon me, completely naked. you would hurt me.
how am i so confident? look at me. i am not beautiful. i am not sexy. i’m not even pretty. average? i wish. less than average. you would hurt me. confident? yes. also, i remember things. “no desire” and “not attracted” are two huge indications of what looks you would lay upon me and my exposed body. looks i’d care never to see. in the dark, though, my looks wouldn’t matter as much. my movements and the way i feel would be enough.
anyway, trust. to be with you in person and to tell you, with my very lips, that i love you would make me so vulnerable. your initial reaction would flash in your eyes and i would see. notice. feel. what if your reaction to those words was similar to the reaction you would have upon seeing my naked body? disgust. disappointment. or worse…apathy. none of those i could handle. i want to tell you when i see you again that i do love you. very much. i want to say those words out loud, because saying anything out loud makes it true and final. it’s your reaction that i am afraid of. fear.
are you confident in the reaction you would initially have if you heard me tell you “i love you”? do you know, without a doubt, that you won’t hurt me with that reaction? do you? if so, lead me in telling you. reassure me. this is also something i need to do. however, not at any personal cost. i can’t afford anymore losses at this point. not being able to have you, already, in one of the million forms that different parts of me needs is currently keeping me down. only do this if it will build me up. rubble can’t be torn down much more than what it is.
none of this will ever happen, i am sure. why? because it feels as if i will never see you again. you travel further and further away. you strongly object at that word usage, but it feels true. no more goodnights. no more good mornings. no more sporadic hellos during the middle of the days. oh, and now let’s not forget! it’s almost monday. no more talks after…9? so, shall we just say goodbye here? right now? this day? if morning, noon and night are all gone…what is there left of the hours in a day? no time for me. why should there be, though? right? right.
i must tell you a few things. there are people in my life i seek time out for. i’m busier than you know. and yet, i have made you a priority. so i know, e, that it’s simply not just being busy. life and time and how we choose to spend it are ultimately up to us. as someone who has been abandoned, frequently, this is a sensitive subject. however, what you will have helping you is the near abandonment i have just experienced. it makes it easier for me to run right now. hell, that person had been around for forever. so if ending what you began is your intent, do it swiftly. i’ve always preferred my bandaids to be violently ripped off. fast. final. no more of this limbo. no more pretending or lies, if that is what is going on.
i’ll handle it.
just like i have handled everything else life is. leave if you want. but tell me and then go. if this is truly not your intentions, as you claim, then make a small bit of effort to have me in your life. i’m no fool. i have lived a life being unwanted. i know. it also helps that you tell me, in certain areas. but choose soon, please. the in between is unpleasant. and whichever you choose, please be gentle and kind when you inform me. if you will be “ripping off” the “bandaid”, there’s no need to smile while you cause the pain.
do you remember last time, e? not so long before you saved me. we had been seeing each other frequently, and then started cancelling. both of us. it ended up being you, primarily. cancelled us all the way out of ever seeing each other. the only reason you saw me again? fate, i suppose. fate. perhaps it was a fate you did not choose? perhaps it’s a fate you do not wish? you refused to cancel on me this time, or to accept cancellations. however, twice now you have accepted the cancellations willingly. twice. i know the circumstances. it still is what it is. however, is it also a glimpse at what is to come? the past repeating itself.
i am not the type of person that can handle a back-and-forth of any nature. i’m too fragile. too damaged. too…me. you know this. what you start out with and build to is what i will grow accustomed to. when you take it away, you kill me. like in a game, e. you have killed me and now we must restart at the beginning since you suddenly changed all of the rules. communication, sincerity, absence. or there are two other options. go back to communication, sincerity and presence. and lastly, leave me dead. dead, so to speak. just a metaphor. dead people don’t write letters on blogs, so obviously i am alive.
you asked me why i am so angry with you. you have asked me that very question repeatedly. if you want to know the answers to such an intimate question, anger is an intimate emotion, it is a face-to-face conversation. part of your answers will need to be read in my eyes and on my face. part of my answers you will need to see leave my lips and feel them enter your ears. if you want to know why i am so angry with you, you will need to be present. no more, no less.
and if you want to skip all of this, the abandonment, anger, bandaid, fear…simply kiss me. that will be answer enough for everything. why? because a kiss communicates a million words, every true emotion and all body language is impossible to take wrong. kiss me and we will both know answers to questions that have yet to be voiced.
a kiss never lies.
and if you think i am just trying to get you to kiss me…? well, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t desire your lips, mouth…tongue. however, a kiss is a shortcut to truth. i need to know more from your kiss than you do from mine. you will not be too surprised from the truths you will learn from me during a kiss. i have been honest about most. the kiss will tell you, though, “why” on so many of your questions. my kiss would allow you inside to simply read what you wanted, feel what you might not want to and express what needs to be, once and for all, let out. a kiss eliminates the dance.
a kiss is like telepathic communication meeting a lie detector test. on your side you have more questions and curiosity than i am sure i know about. you also frequently ask why i don’t trust you when you say you aren’t ever leaving me. if i had the power to verbalize a why on that for you i would. i don’t. however, that is one of the many answers that is told with a kiss. it would be nice to speak to you on a level that requires less…torture. verbal communication has never been my thing. nonverbal communication is what i rely on.
not to mention, i am dying to see how you taste. i’m trembling to see how you feel. my body is in agony over having any part of you inside any part of me. also, keep in mind that for it to be more effective you might have to kiss me multiple times. effective communication is a repeat process.
hey…can’t blame me for trying. 😉
if you do not wish to kiss, you could always just fuck me. that will give you some of the answers. a fuck is a fuck, though. and fucks are, by nature, limited on emotion. it’s part of their appeal, yes? if you do not wish to kiss but still want answers, more than a fuck would provide…there is simply sex. still , on its own, limited on emotion, it provides more emotions and answers than a fuck. for everything…every answer, every secret and every emotion you make love. making love always involves kissing. and making love is an option that i am unsure i could do. too vulnerable. too much of myself would leave me. and i’m unwilling to part with that much of myself to a man who does not want me. also, making love is not an option because you are not in love with me. it has to be mutual.
so, we are back at the kiss. a simple kiss. simple. clean. honest. transparent. it seems like the best fit for you. of course, if i got to pick out of all of those which form of communication i would prefer, i would choose…well, how well do you know me? you claim to know me better than i know myself. so, which would i choose? the kiss? a fuck? sex? making love? which would i choose, e?
you will choose speech. no touch. speech. i, too, know you. however, as i always say, it was worth a shot. trying to convince you of reasons for anything more. reasons which, are in fact true. worth a shot. you are always worth a shot.
i could use a pleasant surprise.
another thing i need you to do when we see each other next? lock your door. i want to see what i do on our way in if you have to stop and unlock your door. the last time i was surprised that i chose to purposely stay so far back. a respect i did not know i would give you. a respect you did not know. i could tell even you were a bit disappointed. so lock it again. i want to see if i stay back again out of respect. or, if i stay back again out of fear…important to know the answer to that question.
also, if you wish to kiss me, it would provide a nice environment. close quarters. easily locked in. none the wiser. and it could be dark in there…so there would be no distraction in the answer. in the process. mmm. yes. i like that idea very much. you could kiss me and get answers, then we could go and discuss those answers. i am so productive.
and now i am horny. productivity causes that, i suppose. also, you cause that. just you. no effort. just the thought of you. just the sight of you. just the smell of you. the touch of you? same. well, depending on the touch and the circumstance. there have been times when you have held me close in some way and it was not sexual. my hand. by my side. held me close when i was falling apart. none of those were sexual. intimate, but not sexual. friendly. situations always impact touch. circumstances. locations.
however, right now i am at home. alone. my mind has ran off with thoughts of you and your touch. your taste. so if you were here right now, any touch you provided would be sexual. also, right this very moment i am calm for some reason. calm. probably because of the pain. pain. if you touched me now, it would be sexual and emotionally charged. if you tried to fuck me right now, you wouldn’t be able to. if you tried to have sex with me right now…you would not be able to. yes. i know what i have just said. why? why wouldn’t you be able to? too many emotions flowing freely right now, e. too many emotions…positive and negative. any touch you provide right this moment would be sexual. it would lead to only one thing-making love. because right at this moment there are too many emotions within to quiet and separate. even if you tried for just a fuck, the emotions would take over and you would be left with choosing to continue to make love…or to stop. the emotions would take you over right now. they are that strong.
when i tell you that i need you, i mean it. on every level. e, when i tell you that i need you inside, i mean that. on every level.
i can’t breathe.
i love you.