i watched you tonight. you starred in a movie. they gave you proper credit. i have yet to recover from this movie.
recovery from the movie will never happen because it was more than a movie for me. it was life. every angle. every emotion. every word. truth.
you are my biggest truth. you are the only real truth i have ever known. everything. even when they say you lied, we know. we know that with me you never did. i picked you up knowing who you were. such a rush. do you remember? do you remember what i was thinking that first time?
maybe you will be the one. the one that ends it all.
the only hit i was ever afraid to take was your first, initial hit. so much wonder. so much suspense. you were the only one he ever hated. you were the only one of your kind he was ever afraid of. it was you who stopped him. you were the only one he never had the courage to pursue.
of course, i never fully knew all of this until after his death. but i knew enough when he was still alive. after all, you were the only one he ever said to stop. you were the only one he ever said to stay away from.
he was too late. too late for caring. too late for good advice. i had already become what he created. i had already become more than he had become. on that day, in the hospital, he saw it in my eyes. that was the day he knew. that was the day he knew…that he had created me only to destroy me. you were the only reason it ever occurred to him to regret who he was or how he lived. i saw it in his eyes. that millisecond flash of “oh shit.”
not “i’m sorry.” never an apology. never any real regret for not loving me. regret never sunk in about how he loved himself more. the regret i saw in the millisecond flash was simply the regret frankensteins’s makers felt when they realized what they had truly made. death. he literally created death.
and you, i, gave freedom to that death. i had always been very tightly wound. even in my destruction i was disciplined. however, when i met you i fucked discipline every which way it could be fucked. you were the end of pretending. freedom.
in the movie there was so much remorse. he (the kid) had so much sorrow and pain for causing sorrow and pain. i never had that in the way he did. i still don’t. i never caused them pain. i was simply a product of what i was made to be. they were never worth an apology because they never cared. you cannot hurt or cause someone pain who does not care.
no one cared. i don’t even feel bad as i lay here and write to you. who was i going to apologize to? for what? only those. only the nameless. only the faceless. they are the only ones i ever had real pain and regret for. my actions. even though i never saw their faces, i am still haunted by their faces. you know who i am talking about. it was only with them that i had true remorse for you. it is still only with them that i have true remorse for you.
that being said, i am still so in love with you i would take you this very instant if you were here with me. i’d throw everything away. there is only one thing on this earth that is worth more than you. love. i don’t have any.
when i was 6 i remember standing there and looking up at him. i was an odd child. it’s hard to be a normal child when you are that smart. it really is. i never thought like normal children do. if i ever had the chance of thinking like a normal child does, he stole that chance from me. he stole that chance when he chose himself.
he’d gotten sober right before i was born. after he kicked the shit out of me, before i was born (in the womb), he entered rehab. he made it 6 years. well, i assume. when i was 6 he decided that his needs were more important. he left her for your world. for another woman. for another life. he abandoned me, again. what’s worse? he abandoned me and left me with her.
he was moving his things out of the house. i wasn’t supposed to be there. i remember hearing them fight about it. she was supposed to have gone and taken me somewhere else while he moved his things out. she deliberately chose not to. she said she wanted him to cause me more pain so that he would have to live with it. he did. this was one of the few moments he remembered for the rest of his life. i know because he told me about this one moment. our accounts of the moment were identical, save the different sides.
she had disappeared. who knows where or what she was doing. she brought me there to cause me pain under the pretense of it being someone else’s fault. fault never mattered to me for this moment of pain, though. the only thing that ever mattered was that she deliberately wanted me to feel pain. she accomplished her goal and left us to each other.
we were standing in the living room. the screen door was propped open because he had been going in and out, carrying his things to his car. after they had had their fight and she was gone, he and i stood there looking at each other. he was tall. 6 foot. 6 foot, once inch…tall. especially to a 6 year old girl. thin. he was thin. he was always a thin man, unless alcohol had taken the better of him. he bloated when he drank. during this time, though, he was thin. he would have only been 35-ish. young.
later in life he would tell me that this was the only moment that brought him to tears. in fact, he told me this story two weeks before he died. while he was telling me this story, he wept. this moment was a defining moment for the both of us…just in very different ways. he was not surprised that i remembered this moment, too. it shaped who i would become. wounded.
it was so silent. we stood there about two feet apart from each other and there was no sound from anywhere. none. we lived in a large city where there was never quiet. but on that day, in that moment, nothing made a sound. looking back now i know that it was in this moment that God gave him the chance to choose who he would be. he made the wrong choice. he made the wrong choice for the both of us.
my eyes were deep blue. especially when i was young. deep blue. dark hair. skinny. i looked like him. his little version. in every way, we just didn’t know that then. he had blue eyes, too. a beautiful blue. our eyes were locked on each other. the giant and the child. he said nothing. just stood there.
without tears, without making any sort of scene (like i’m sure she wanted to happen), standing there looking up at him…i said, “why didn’t you just tell me?” practical. logical. truthful. even he said that i asked him that with such a matter-of-fact tone…a 6 year old simply asking a question. hurt, yes. defeated. “why didn’t you just tell me?”
it was that moment that would haunt him. he never answered me. you might be asking yourself what? what did i want him to just tell me? he knew. even in that moment he knew. i knew. it was a loaded question. it carried the weight of a life on its shoulders. his silence was more than an answer. me asking him that question was the one and only time i ever begged for love from either of them. simple. matter-of-fact. denied.
why didn’t he just tell me he was leaving instead of keeping it a secret, only to drop it like a bomb on me? he knew i wasn’t a normal child. he knew i was capable of the honesty. he knew i was capable of understanding. why did he not give me the respect of honesty? that was part of what was asked in my simple question. respect and honesty.
the other parts? why didn’t he just tell me that i wasn’t worth it? why didn’t he just tell me i wasn’t enough?
why didn’t he just tell me he didn’t love me?
the weight of an entire world sat upon the shoulders of a 6 year old that day. i didn’t know how or why, but i knew that hell was getting ready to rain down. more so, on some level i knew that i was getting ready to be dragged into hell. i was going to be dragged into hell through multiple doors. i didn’t know what drugs were then. i’d figure that out two years later. i knew, though, in that instant, what abandonment was. and i knew, in that single moment, that i would never be loved again. not by him.
when a father is given the rare chance to choose, right in front of his child, who he will serve…it is a defining moment for both father and child. that day, in that living room, he chose. and he did not choose me. he never chose me again. that would be the first time i was thrown away. far from the last, but the first.
my eyes were what begged. my eyes being the window to my tiny little soul. little blue oceans begging for love. a young mouth speaking an honest question. i remember that i stood straight, that day. confident. prepared for the worst.
that was the day. that was the first, and last, time i begged for love. that day was the day she lost me and my love. when he stood there looking back at me, not answering my question, he answered everything. questions i would ask decades later were answered in that moment.
i never felt loved again until you came along, i. all of the other things of your nature sufficed. none of them truly fulfilled, though. no. then i met you.
we stood two feet across from each other in a different living room, when i was older. i suppose not much older. not when i look back. i was still young. when i asked you the same question you responded, i guess. you responded with an answer that none of your counterparts did. instantly filled.
you are still the greatest love i’ve ever known. save One.
watching you today stirred up you inside of me. the movie stirred up many things inside of me. countless emotions. even a couple of memories that had been long lost came back today. the overwhelming part was you, though. always you. always you because you love me. the poison that loved the human. the human that loved the poison.
except it is true. you are not like any of your kind. i have done you all. all of your kind. you are in a class all by yourself. why? because you are alive. more than a substance, more than an object. you breathe. inside i ache for you. aware or not aware, you are always there. the constant pull and tear you cause on my soul has slowly became a dull ache…but always there. on nights like tonight you are more than a dull ache. you are torture.
on nights like tonight when you have been awakened, you are loud. you scream at me. you scream and yell because you demand to be heard. reminding me of how you love me and no one, nothing else did. does.
i never had to beg you to love me. you just did. you’d shout it from the rooftops without me even asking. you never had a problem declaring your love for me. i begged for you plenty of times. not once did i ever have to beg you, though. loving me was the thing you were best at.
i begged for love again tonight. since that day when i was 6 i have begged twice more for love. so a total of three times i have begged for love. him once. the other two times? to a man who claims never to leave me.
ironic. that entire paragraph is ironic. begging twice for love from a man who swears never to leave. if i need to explain the irony it’s not worth it.
tonight, much like when i was 6, i have vowed to never beg again. more than that, never to ask for love again. if i had that much resolve as a child there is no excuse for me not to have half that much now. in fact, i should be more inclined. i should be stronger now than i was then. and yet, here i am. suffering from begging for love. a foolish woman. a foolish and pathetic woman.
no more. if i could survive my entire youth with no love than i need it not now, as an adult. that is what i will remind myself of, every time i am convinced i need to hear those words i love you said to me. i will not be that fool any longer.
i would be lying if i said i didn’t want to hear those words. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t want to be loved. of course i do. of course i do. wanting to be loved and begging for love are two very different things, though. i will try to keep a shred of dignity from this point forth. if he chooses to love me, i will be blessed. if he chooses to tell me, it will be wonderful.
if you and he were standing right next to each other i often wonder who i would choose. there is no question between you and anyone else. you. hands down. but him? i don’t know.
i know this much-if i were to choose him over you it would be because he loved me. love. the only thing that can beat you. honest and real love. well, and Jesus. i suppose He is honest and real love. it is not i who says no to you every single day. it is Him, saying “no” for me.
on this earth, though? he would be the only one who could possibly give you a run for your money. it’s a shame i had to beg, again. it’s a shame because i am ashamed. embarrassed.
i’ve never been ashamed of you, i.
it’s late and i’m tired. it’s been an awful day. i just wanted you to know that i miss you. you are on my mind. i miss your love. a piece of me begs for you everyday.
i love you.