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dear m,

sometimes i wonder how low you will go. how low will you go to lose yourself, even if just temporarily? a broken and desperate heart does the most shameful things. and when you aren’t getting any attention it appears that attention from anywhere is welcomed.

at a steep price, though. i’m covered in ick and now have a dilemma. what have i gotten myself into? i don’t know if i can ignore the want and desire i have for another and take the scraps that are offered by someone different. i’m not for sure i have it in me to settle for “less than” this time.

my eyes are after diamonds. my heart is after rubies. my body craves precious things. i’m partial to black diamonds. beautiful. dark. hide flaws. my eyes light up at any diamond, though. the love i have for rubies is a close second. the one i love…the one i desire…is all of those things. the one who is showing interest, however, is but a mere cubic zirconia. so much so that any naked eye could spot the gross imposter a mile away.

there once was a me who would accept any jewelry. now, however, i settle for nothing less than authentic and beautiful. it’s not worth it if it isn’t real. i care not to adorn myself with fake carvings of cheap stones. if i am to be draped by something i want the best. i want the authentic. i want the rare.

what have i gotten myself into? i don’t want to follow through. the thought of him inside me makes me ill. the thought of his dick in my mouth makes me want to disappear. perhaps doing something i don’t want to do will help me lower my standards, though. i cannot seem to have what i want. maybe i am only worth what is offered? maybe i rose my standards too high. perhaps i am not worth those gems. it might be a reality check, what is being offered.

at least he is offering. so desperate for any form of touch…even if it’s strictly giving and not receiving. seriously, though, i don’t know if i can simply go down on this man. thinking about that makes me sick. i don’t want his dick in my mouth…or inside me at all. again, though, what if this is the reality check i need? what if that’s all i’m worth? a blow job to an undesirable person. getting on my knees and performing, like the lifeless soul that i am.

if i can’t have even the smallest portion of what i crave…perhaps it’s best for me to just haphazardly sell myself out to the highest bidder. i meant that metaphorically, however i bet this man would pay. what am i worth? nothing.

it’s nice to be wanted, though. it’s nice to hear compliments…even if they are only said in pursuit of selfish gain. it’s nice to be…desired in any way by anyone, really. maybe i should perform for those simple reasons. maybe.

or maybe i’d like to have a do-over today. i never thought harmless flirting would be taken seriously. lie. i knew it would. not necessarily in this instance or in this time. but in the past it has proven effective. it’s been so ineffective lately, though, it didn’t occur to me that i’d actually be wanted. i’ve spent so much time lately being rejected. i’ve spent so much time lately being told how undesirable i am, how unattractive i am…i just assumed harmless flirting would fall in the same category as the rest…nowhere. it didn’t.

i don’t want this guy, though. i want him. i want the one who makes me feel safe and secure. i want the one who makes me breathe. i’d fall on my knees for him gladly. anytime, anywhere…happy to just have a part of him…a piece of him inside of me. the thought of sucking him dry doesn’t disgust me, it arouses me. yes. i want him. any part. the thought of having his dick inside me makes me warm. inside my mouth, inside my vagina…makes me wet at the thought. having anyone else where he belongs feels…wrong. painful. sickening.

however, he does not care. i could have a million men in spots i have reserved for him and it would not phase him. perhaps taking what i don’t want will help me move on from my desire. perhaps.

i just don’t know if i can stomach it. i don’t know if i can handle someone else invading territory i have already given away. it would be nice to feel wanted, though.

hell, i don’t have any answers.

fuck off.


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