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dear u,

i have been absent for awhile now. no letters have been written on here, or elsewhere in the universe. i suppose i have been too unhinged and depressed to write.

i’m often wondering what the point is. why write anymore? no one reads it. then i remember, i write for me. i should be sufficient. this is the modern era of “message in a bottle.” less romantic and beautiful…but still has a bit of flair.

i’ve been so down lately. i am an emotional eater so i have been drowning my sorrows in cheese and chocolate. personally, i can’t think of a better combination to combat the woes of life. however, cheese and chocolate come at a heavy price! i have gained TEN pounds. my emotional eating days will have to soon come to an end. then i can go back to being depressed and hungry. thin to win, though! that’s what the skinny people say. i’m far from skinny…but don’t want to regain all of the weight i’ve lost. so long, cheese! so long, chocolate!

my love life is a dud still. surrounded by those who have no desire for me, and are unapologetic about it. while i’m certainly no audrey hepburn…i’m not the ugliest person in the world. alas! it does no good.

i have been propositioned, though. by a skeezy man who wants a blowjob. no sex, just the bj. what i want to know is when did that become acceptable? a blow job and offering nothing in return. men. pigs. women have needs, too. and while i’m sure it does happen, i’ve never heard of a woman propositioning a man to eat her out…and then that be it. “hey baby. let’s get together and i’ll let you go down on me…and then you can go.” lol! no. i’ve certainly never witnessed that. however, now that i’ve thought about it it sounds fun to try!

women are more equal opportunity, though. and we are givers. men are takers. they don’t care. have you watched the porn recently? it’s so demeaning to women. and is this what men really want? do men want to treat women like the women are treated in porns? no, as a rule i do not watch porn. i stumbled across some some time ago, though. i figured since i was already there i might as well look around. not my first time with porn…but i was not impressed.

i’d rather have the real deal right beside me than watch other people get off on a screen. how does them having sex help me? if i want to masterbate i can do that without porn. i have a nice imagination and know exactly where she likes to be touched, and how. porn is an unnecessary object for…i don’t know. awful men. you wanna make a porn that treats women with respect, show that to me and let’s see what i think. until then, porn goers stay to yourselves. i am treated like shit already.

today i stayed in my sweatpants all day. it wasn’t until i was getting ready for bed that i realized i had them on backwards. all day. that is my state of mind. clothes thrown on, cheese and chocolate and watching reruns of “desperate housewives.” i miss that show. i forgot how attractive mike is. his character is attractive, too.

my soulmate has vanished. he tried to give me the line of “when you don’t hear from me it simply means that our friendship is strong through the quiet times.” as you all are aware, silence makes me more neurotic than i already am…so it was a nice try on his part, but my iq is above 45. when i don’t hear from him it’s because he doesn’t wish to talk to me. black and white, simple and true. it hurts so it must be the truth.

when i saw him the other day, though, he looked good enough to eat! it’s torture. he keeps getting more and more attractive and i stand less and less a chance. damn cheese! damn personality! ladies, if you saw him you would understand. tall, dark hair, beautiful hazel eyes, brooding stares, a touch of sadness and conflict within. now for him i’d probably drop to my knees and expect nothing in return.

true to my pattern, though, he’s arrogant and knows he’s in control. suffer. i suffer. he knows i suffer but it has little effect on him. it is always us fools who fall in love who suffer. the ones who remain detached and apathetic live happy lives. i live a life of quiet desperation. although, it is becoming increasingly less quiet.

my only living parent is…very mentally ill. i think this week i might have just cut her out of my life for good. don’t start with me, people. i feel horrible. she is toxic, though. and i am mentally unhealthy right now. keeping her close is like keeping a gun within arms length.

i keep my gun in my underwear drawer.

perhaps i romanticize suicide a bit on here. i do because it is romantic, to me at least. the thought of being in total control and then everything just stopping…makes a spark light in my eyes and my breath catches. i am so in love with the thought of never having to wake up another day. it’s just a shame i’ve been such a coward lately.

disclaimer: suicide is not romantic. don’t kill yourself. i know nothing. i’m mentally unstable. if you are seeking death and contemplating suicide, call the national hotline.

there. i don’t want anyone reading what i write and think that i am endorsing suicide. that’d be a hot fucking mess. i only endorse suicide when it pertains to me. for everyone else, seek help. however, i am here to stay. it is but a dream.

i need some pills. some pot. some drugs of some kind to help quiet the restlessness inside. i have yet to obtain any. regression is painful. as is progression. fingers crossed that something will turn up soon.

well, my eyes are fading so i am off to go get that one solid hour of sleep that comes to me. then restlessness and fantasies that will never come true will keep me awake for the rest of the night/early morning. for instance, i just accidentally hit my head on the headboard. i miss the days/times when my head was hitting the headboard for intentional reasons!

off for now.


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