it’s been over one entire day now. the first day in months and months. eternity. it feels like eternity. no. it feels like hell. i haven’t spoken to you in over…36 hours. i cry. i cry and cry.
he asks me why i’m crying. i say that i’m just sad. i force a smile on my face and try so hard to refrain and hold my tears in. i try to keep it together until i use the restroom. that’s where i allow myself to let them flow freely. moments when i am alone. it’s my red and swollen eyes that he sees. i’ve had to use the restroom a lot. these tears are hard to contain. i simply can’t. i’m broken.
empty. working my way to empty. broken. dying inside of a pain that is too great. e…you’ve broken me into a million pieces. so much so that, like i said, i’ve given up. lies. what is truth?
i have heard from you over the last 36 hours, though. since i’m positive you won’t be reading this i can be 100% honest and open. you’ve been messaging me every couple of hours, save when you slept. i have not responded. however, had you not been messaging me…and i not been able to hear your voice…i would be so worse off right now. instead of broken and dying i’d be…dead.
perhaps not literally. although i did mean it when i said that i do not wish to live this life if you are not a part of it. i still mean that. life is not worth it without you. you make…everything, e. in every way. your voice. your being. your…everything.
you won’t know this, but for the last 36 hours all that i have seen in my head are your beautiful eyes. your beautiful, meaningful eyes that manage to somehow sometimes be so deep within me when we are together…and sometimes be so very far away. your eyes that, when you want, can convey love like nothing else i’ve ever known. so many areas of love all at once. and even though you’ll probably disagree…your eyes that have so many repressed feelings just burning right on the edge…at their surface. your eyes that leak sex. sadness. joy. suffering. confusion. despair. longing. happiness. gratitude. desire. yes. your beautiful eyes have been all that my mind’s eye has seen for over the last 36 hours. well, and your heartbreakingly beautiful face…you. you are all i see.
thankfully, since you won’t be reading this i can say it out loud, you have been primarily who i have heard from. i don’t know why, though. explanations that contradict each other. play-by-play accounts of your day. no pleas. no…
contradictions. first it was my fault. i treated you poorly. then, it was you. you are simply just too busy. your last explanation? back to me again. my desire is the problem. me, you, me. you left off on “second.” so…i’m sure this next explanation will be you again. my heart, my soul…i just love hearing you. i can’t tell you this…but it’s true. and you are right, and i apologized earlier friday. you deserved better treatment, at times. you did. i love you so much. if i could do it again, i would treat you so…i love you so much. as far as you being too busy…your daily account…i heard more from you on one of your busiest days than i do from you on one of your least busy days. it’s not that hard is it? picking up your phone and sending me a short little hello msg. i acknowledge this as also being a reason, though. i hate it. third…desire. i can’t talk to you about this right this second. i haven’t figured out what i’m going to say.
as far as your health, you are wrong. you never told me. you told me you had problems in one area due to your blood pressure medication. that was it. you never mentioned that it was ever ANYTHING more serious. that it could be anything, such as a stand-alone condition. and you never told me what problems you were having. as far as your bp and bs, you come and go with telling me. you do fly-byes. quick little quips. vague. fast. they come off as insincere snippets of a life that doesn’t really want to be shared about with me. truth. so don’t sit there and tell me that you have been open and truthful about big and important things with me. i’m shut out and you know it.
and since i’m completely positive you aren’t reading this i can say it without having to feel ashamed: you still haven’t told me that you love me. you claimed it this whole time. said it over and over. i leave, though. i walk away…and you write to me. you send me messages every couple hours. but do they contain feelings? pleas? grand gestures? no. justifications. logic. pragmatic. where are your emotions? i know you have them. or do you?
tell me what is true. did you lie? were they all lies? do you love me, or did you just say it…in typical male fashion? do you love me, e? because if you do it’s time to say it. say it now. say it over and over. say it…or have me think you lied and risk losing me forever. trust is impossible for me. until you. if you lied, it is what it is. but be honest now and just tell me. i deserve that. do you love me? if you don’t love me, why are you messaging me? just let me go. soulmate? more empty words? tell me now. tell me. tell me before you lose the chance to tell me anything. before the fire is all gone and i am completely dead.
e, tell me what you want.
or do you even know? i have been thinking about my desire and your responses. there have been people that have wanted me that i had no interest in. i never had to shut down, close off, go into “self-protect” mode. why? because i never wanted them. they were never a threat. i never had to worry about myself around them…because there was nothing about them that interested anything about me. they were completely safe. you realize what you are saying, don’t you? wait. fuck. e? what are you saying…?
why can’t you ever just say it?
i love you.