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dear e,

i’m not going to waste time tonight with small talk. i’m just going to dive in, head first. i can’t contain it any longer.

i’m so in love with you. in a “choose me. pick me. love me.” kind of way. the boombox out your window, 16 candles, forrest and jenny way. not an obsessive love, but rather an all-consuming love. a love that wants to shout from the rooftops. a love that is worth more than all of the other loves i have ever had.

you are…everything. inside me, my weary soul, finds comfort only in you. your soul is the only being allowed close. in you i find…everything. in you i find peace. i find comfort, joy, loneliness, anger, passion, lust, submission.

you bring me back to life. i walk around, a shell. a lifeless shell, bumping into walls and other beings, not caring how scarred i become. but you…you have a power that takes my eyes and focusses them solely on you. i bump into nothing when you are here. you are my true north. i’m never lost when you are near. i wonder around in darkness until you come and fill me with light. i look to the sky when i am alone, and i find you…my guiding star. my…everything.

when i am with you, i am open and free. transparent. i’m laid vulnerable at your feet. nothing inside remains closed off when you are here. i allow you free reign into my mind, my heart and my soul. i have given you the key and allow you to come and go inside me whenever you wish. when you wonder the halls of my being, your footsteps bring heartbeats, wherever they roam.

when you are away, i miss you. i miss you more than i can bear. my soul is ripped open, and i slowly bleed out. there are moments when the pain of missing you is so strong, it makes me nauseous. the pain comes crashing inside of me, like larger than life tidal waves. with a fierceness, they crash into every part of my being. waves. violent waves of the sea of despair, loneliness and an unmet and unmatched love. they drown me. i’m drowning. i can’t breathe. everything inside me closes up and i am left with…nothing. an overwhelming nothing.

without you, i’m like a miserable summer day. you know the kind. hot, humid, still. i can’t breathe. but you, my love…you are like that heavenly, gentle, cool breeze that comes by and kisses my face. so soothing and refreshing. you are the breeze that flows into my lungs, somehow without conscious inhalation. you expand my lungs with a bit of fire, opening my eyes…the eyes of the dead, and you give me breath. cool and crisp, yet lava hot. both providing me with life…and taking my breath away.

e, you make me want to live. it is you. i am a coward, yes. but it is your face that i see when i am low…your beautiful, hazel eyes. and the thought of causing you any pain is enough to keep me from leaving. enough to keep me here, even without you by my side. the despair and desolation i have from not having you by my side is enough to pull me under sometimes, though.

i don’t want to wake up at 3 a.m., missing you, and have to text you. e, i want to wake up at 3 a.m. missing you, roll over and kiss you. yes. i know what i have said in the past-that i never want anything more. sex. nothing beyond. lies. all lies. i want you. all of you. forever. i’ll accept whatever you will give, though.

i want every part of you. your frustrating stubbornness and self-depreciation. your unrelenting pursuit of the Lord. your insanely sexy arrogance. i want you. all of you. your overwhelming compassion and generosity to our fellow living. your intelligence that outweighs and outwits my own. i want you. the good, the bad, the exasperating.

oh, but my love, i want your body, too. tall. broad. strong. dark and handsome. tall, dark and handsome. you and your perfect hair. your perfect smile. your mind-numbingly beautiful eyes. eyes that somehow reach down into the very core of my being. when your eyes laugh, my soul laughs. when your eyes cry, my being dies. when your eyes grow dark with want and desire, my body caves instantly to the promise of your touch.

i want to take my hands and explore your face. i want to memorize you with my eyes. i want to memorize you with my touch. slowly i want to drag my fingers all over every square inch of your magnificent body. i look forward to the day when i can drag my tongue all. over. your. body. lazily. at my own leisure. taking all the time i want to feel you, taste you…own you. i anxiously await the day when you will own me, too. this territory is yours. it’s just waiting for you to come and claim it.

claim me with your strong hands. move your mouth all over my body. be as close as you can before you enter inside me. and once you are inside me, wait a minute so that i can take you all the way in, contract around you, moan under you…and tremble at your power. be still for a moment, so that i can tearfully take your face in my hands and draw you near…to kiss your sweet lips. feel your tongue on my tongue. then slowly pull out so that i can feel you enter me all over again. slow. slow and painful…like a sweet, sweet death. i will burst for you. i will beg for more. i will want you to hurry, rush faster and faster into me. hard. uncontrollable, like my emotions. wild, like love. and when we come, i promise you there will be fireworks.

you will see them, my love, in my eyes. fireworks will be exploding in my eyes from the moment you touch me. you will hear the fireworks in your ears as i breathlessly call your name, with each thrust of you inside me. fireworks will explode out of you and into me as you finish. you will feel fireworks on your neck as i frantically try to regain my breath. the controlled scream i try to stifle in your chest. fireworks.

then, as you lay on top of me, you will cover me in your love. protection. providing safety that only you can produce. only you, e. it’s only you for so many things.

i want to fall asleep, naked, curled up within you, beside you. i want to doze off to the lullaby that is your breathing. i want to be rocked gently into unconsciousness by the rise and fall of your chest. the warmth of your breath to kiss me into that sweet goodnight. your arms holding me tight, warding off the evil world we live in.

and when i wake up at 3 a.m. from those that haunt my dreams, i want you to catch me as i desperately beg for air. when you bring me back to the waking world, i want you to kiss me…to make love to me…and reassure me that you are here.

i want to hear over and over…that you love me.

i love you.


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