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translations

dear e,

three weeks. three weeks and no sight. one week. one week and no words. enough is enough. i cannot take it anymore. come back to me now, or lose me forever.

those who are abandoned typically abandon themselves, as well. fine. give me an excuse to throw all caution to the wind. give me a reason to go back to my self-destructive ways. cut the tether that has been keeping me grounded. let me loose. let the ball come and finally knock me out.

who will i seek to destroy? myself, of course. it’s been too long, anyway. too long here. too long, quiet. too long, subdued. i’m ready to unleash the hell that i have been storing up out on myself. it’s time for me to go back to my old ways.

old habits die hard, yes? well, hopefully old habits are all easily remembered, like riding a bike. and, hopefully old habits kill swiftly. i’m ready.

so the wait officially begins. i am calling myself out. let me call you out, too. abandoned. you’ve abandoned me. i supposed you had to do what you had to do. no hard feelings…eventually. however, i would like to make a few things known.

you lied to me. you lied to me and i am aware. i am so upset about this. although, i don’t know if i am more upset that you lied to me…or more upset that i believed your lies. rookie mistake.

“foolish girl. he never loved you.”

love. what do i know about love? after all, i’ve never really been loved in my life. lies. love equals lies. “i love you” means what? it means nothing because it’s never been meant. it’s been said…but has never been said with meaning, when said to me. air. fluff. lies.

i mean, how can someone who claims to love me just abandon me like you all do? how? how can someone love me, and yet leave me, with such little regard to the consequences or outcome? the cause and effect. the effect is on me. never the person who leaves. always just the person left behind.

yet, i know. i know it is unfair to put the burden on you. me staying ultimately has nothing to do with one person. well, unless that one person is me. while you have been the one with the tether, holding me in place…it will not be your fault when i leave. my choices. my actions. i am accountable for my own self. no one else is.

alone. always alone. it’s fitting that i should die alone, as well. perhaps today, perhaps 50 years from now. who knows? who knows…

i love you.

-p

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