inside i am broken. everything within is damaged. shards of my broken pieces constantly cut me. i bleed from the inside out.
i keep a wall up around me. it’s there to protect me. everything inside is in so many pieces already, i can’t afford to let anyone in to do more damage.
if i become shattered, i become lost for good.
see, broken pieces can sometimes be glued back together. i am still alive, so that means that there is a chance. a hope.
the constant cutting from my broken pieces causes me a great deal of distress, though. the pain makes it hard to focus. the pain makes it hard to see anything but that pain.
my hope is that my sharp edges will eventually be dulled. that way i no longer bleed with every touch. perhaps a bruise. but bruises are easier to handle.
i let my guard down not so long ago. in doing so, i realized from the outcome that those walls i build up around me are not only for my protection. see, my sharp edges will cut those who get too close, as well. if my guard is dropped, and i let my thick skin fade…a shard of broken me will break through, and potentially cut another.
another got cut, and i was torn in half. lesson learned. i am not well enough to shove the broken piece back in once it pokes through. and i have yet to meet another who knows how to handle the broken pieces that make up me, without being severely wounded.
never underestimate the sharpness of another’s broken pieces.
i never meant to pierce someone else with my shortcomings. i never meant to slice someone else with my pain. i also never meant for a piece to penetrate through me and protrude far enough out that another could be affected.
in my life i have been on the receiving end of those who loved to inflict pain. i never wanted to be them. i never wanted to cause anyone else any sort of pain. a theme i have continued throughout my life. so, when i unintentionally hurt another, i was devastated. how could i have done that?
and i made it a conscious mission to never let it happen again. i will not be that person. there is enough pain in this world without me adding to it.
i’m far from perfect, but i will not callously allow myself to be whatever i feel like being in the moment. it takes effort, but it’s worth it. i fail, often. but on kindness…well, i never give up. i fall short in so many areas. i do. this, not causing another pain, is an area i can succeed in.
now, not causing myself pain is a whole other story. outlets are important. and since i hold so many things in, they end up turning on me. i’m ok with that. truth be told, for the life i have lived i deserve some pain. emotionally and physically.
yes, i do a bit of self-harm. i’m not a cutter, though. i have cut in the past, when i was young. but, cutting stings and is messy. i prefer a deep pain that is clean. bruises, broken bones…things of that nature.
i know many people don’t understand self-harm, but it serves many purposes. i’d say primarily, it’s a release. a release of everything held tight inside. and secondly, it’s punishment. punishment that i feel i deserve.
i’m no good. something i know and am in no denial about. i’m, overall, worthless. i have nothing to offer. and, quite frequently i have been thrown away. trash. all things that, at one point, caused me tears. now…i just accept it. sometimes truth is plainly truth.
it’s like with physical appearance. some people are attractive, some aren’t. yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. however, i think we can all agree that there is a general consensus. i am not overly attractive. something that also used to cause me pain. now…it is what it is. there isn’t anything i can do about it. i’m not rich, so i cannot purchase a new face or body.
i’m not for sure what else i can add to this for now. life is currently getting in my way. so many things to do. this sunday we are having an easter dinner here. my mother, step-son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter will be coming over to our house. my husband had to work on easter, so we are celebrating it late.
i suppose i should get busy. i like a spotless house for dinner parties.