today our dog turned three. she’s a black lab. her name is lucy. she’s the sweetest girl that ever walked the face of this earth.
she is loved very much by me. lucy holds a special spot in my heart. i don’t have any children…
i married an older man. when we met and started dating i was up front and honest about wanting to have a child. i lived wild, was addicted…fucked most things up my entire life. except a child. i never had any, and was grateful. although, i’d have straightened up real fast had i ever become pregnant.
i’d never want a child to have to endure the life i did as a child.
so, after being sober for many years, picking myself back up, falling in love…i was looking forward to finally becoming a mother. after getting married, motherhood is the only thing left that i really desired in this life. something that made living make sense…worth while.
he agreed to have one more child. he already had a son, grown, when we got married. i was told that we would have a child around a year or two after being together. oh, and he wanted to buy a house. where we rented wasn’t large enough for us, let alone another human.
so, patiently i waited. i waited and looked forward to finally having it all. happy life, a child of my own and a husband who loved me. dreams never come true in my life.
he lied. the year came and went. we bought a house. and, he “changed his mind.” well, that’s what he said. i say he lied from the start and never intended on giving me a child.
he robbed me of my birthright.
we went through a very dark time. most said to leave him. however, i am old school. i believe that marriage lasts until death. “in good times and in bad…” i’m a person that doesn’t believe in bailing just because she doesn’t get her way.
he was wrong to lie to me. i’ll never love him the same. but…i love him. not naive, young love. but love. the unpleasant, time-consuming, hard work and commitment kind of love.
the kind of love that says, “even our worst day together is still better than our best day apart.”
and boy has this lie caused some horrible days. for both of us. not being able to fulfill a God-given right is not something easily overcome. and, taking that right away from another human is also not something easily overcome.
we have some good days now, though. not many, but more than before. in time i believe that the Lord will restore what man broke. if i can remain strong…
it broke me. being told i was never going to be allowed to become a mother broke me. and then, when i was 35 i became a grandma. i have been called “grandma” before i was called “mom.” something like that…it hurts.
he shows little to no remorse, which makes overcoming this intense personal loss that much harder. however, i am doing my best to move forward. it’s hard.
i am suicidal…
suicidal is more than a desire to kill yourself, you know. it’s the absolute lack of will to live. he took my purpose away from me, and i am struggling so hard to find meaning…in anything.
i’ve had suicidal tendencies most of my life. struggled with depression. then i got sober, things looked up for awhile. but, life is life. it never really changes. it shits on you every chance it gets.
so, i struggle with logic vs feeling. most days my head and heart are too tired to determine a winner. i don’t care anymore.
honestly, no bs? i just don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. i pray for death. i pray everyday.
instead, i just keep getting fucking cups of coffee.