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it’s raining here today. the forecast calls for storms all day. some could get severe.

right now, though, it’s a steady decent rain. the kind that spreads calmness and relaxation through every fiber of my being. if i had a screened in back porch (i don’t), i would get a blanket and a book and go spend the day out there.

i have so many things to get done today but am not motivated to do any of them. that isn’t unusual for me these days. motivation is much coveted but not had. so instead i am reclined in the chair with my cat laying on my lap. it’s just us here today (and lucy, my dog).

i love nice, quiet and relaxing days alone. i tend to be more of a solitary person than most. however, i do have a few select people that i enjoy being around. in addition to those few, i have a couple of people that i would not mind spending constant time with. ok, ok. maybe just one person at the moment.

however, i tolerate the company of most very well. i spend a great deal of time not alone. my husband, my step-son and daughter-in-law, my granddaughter and my mother. out of that lot, my granddaughter is, by far, my favorite. and, my mother is, by far, my least favorite.

i’m not close at all with my mother. she is…not a good person. she has great moments, but her bad times outweigh the good. she has caused me pain one too many times. she is a toxic person. if i did not have the obligatory love inside my heart, i would cut her out of my life. however, that isn’t who i am and i couldn’t live with myself if i did.

it has taken my entire life for me to muster up the courage to put her on a restricted basis. you know, no more constant contact. no more bowing down to her every command. i have put up, finally, some very defined boundaries. and every time she crosses those boundaries (which is more frequent than you’d expect), she is put on a probation, of sorts. it’s good for me.

good for me, but even this causes me some pain. regardless of how awful she can be, i still don’t like to make anyone sad. but there comes a time in everyone’s life where you just have to choose you. selfish? perhaps. but, it’s my life and there are things i’m allowed to be selfish with. but mental health comes with a personal cost, sometimes.

mental health. as you all know, i’m teetering right on the edge of that. lol.

my mental health is like a toddler learning to walk. it fails more than succeeds. and when it succeeds, it’s shaky as fuck.

shaky or not, my mental being wakes up every day. every morning my eyes open and i see the sight of our beautiful room, i curse the Lord for another day He has made. i’m at the point in life where even if things were going good i’d gladly leave this world in a heartbeat. why? why not?

if you believe in an afterlife, as i do…and you believe in Heaven, as i do…then life is just life. a stepping stone to our final destination. and since i am someone who can’t find much joy here, i say let’s blow this popsicle stand!!!

not today, though. today it’s rainy and peaceful. today i’m snuggled by my overweight, soft cat (phoebe). today i get to listen to the patter of the rain and the soft (sometimes loud) snore of my dog. today i have on one of my favorite tv shows that i have seen every episode multiple (multiple) times. comfort. comfort for a day.

you know what i might do later, after i get a few things done? color. yes. i’m a grown ass woman who enjoys the simple things in life. occasionally i enjoy coloring. it’s also calming and relaxing.

i am a huge fan of anything that calms my inner turmoil and quiets my mind and soul.

although, i am so unmotivated my guess is that i end up just sleeping. sleeping my day away. sleep is what i enjoy most in life. well, sleep and sex. i mean, c’mon. let’s be honest.

well, and sugar. as a sober addict and alcoholic i am like the rest of us. i crave sugar all the time.

i quit smoking around three or four years ago. no, i can’t remember. memory comes and goes with things. i still miss smoking. the actual smoking. i do not miss smelling it, smelling like it or tasting it, though. what i miss is the feeling of it filling my lungs, and leaving my lungs. that’s about all i miss, though. it’s incredibly refreshing to not have it in my system all the time. to not be sluggish and out of breath. i smoked for about 25 years. it’s nice to not be defined by that anymore.

now i am defined by sugar and cheese. oh…and mexican food. perhaps i should make some tacos for dinner tonight. it’s just me tonight. my husband is on night shift for awhile, so most of my days will be spent with just myself.

when he is on night shift it provides us both with a nice little break from each other. he works 12 hour shifts, so he sleeps all day and works all night. we only see each other on his days off. space is good in any relationship at some point. space can be healthy. too much space, though, and there is no relationship at all.

well, i should go and get the kitchen cleaned up and some laundry started. the sooner i get my stuff done, the sooner i can relax in peace. relaxing with tasks hanging over your head is not really relaxation at all.

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