i’ve had the worst day today. well, and a wonderful day. wonderful because i had my granddaughter. she brings joy, even in the darkest times. worst because i got some news today that absolutely devastated me.
i’m not a trusting person. i am a firm believer in house’s theory “everybody lies.” and yet, every so often someone comes along that charms and schmoozes. not necessarily in a romantic way. in a human way. they weave their lies and deceit so far inside of me that i never really feel them taking over. when i do realize what’s going on it’s always too late. i trust them. i believe them.
fucking liars and leavers. this life is full of them.
people seem to like me, at first. a shiny new toy. but, the shine wears off and all that’s left is me. then people don’t really give much of a fuck. so, they move on. they throw me away as if i am nothing more than trash. worthless trash. i am generally the person people kill time with until someone better comes along.
whatever. go ahead and go. i’ll just add it to the list of proof that there is something inherently no good about me. i lack a quality that people find endearing. or…maybe i really am just a nobody.
my mood tonight is mixed with hurt and anger and fear. anger is easiest to feel, though. and right now all i want to do is yell at this person and tell them how awful they are being. i want to tell them that if they wanted to be a “father figure”…i never saw them as that until now.
congratulations. you’re exactly like my father. maybe if i come around you can physically kick the shit out of me, too. that’s probably make you happy.
fuck today and fuck tonight. if i had any drugs i’d gladly relapse. the more a person means to you, the more they kill inside of you when they break your heart into a million pieces. good luck not cutting yourself on a sharp edge of my brokenness, you liar and abandoner.