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penelopie wilson

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translations

why do people feel the need to put others down? i know the old cliché about because they have a poor self-image, blah blah. but that’s just total bullshit, i think.

i mean, why do we make excuses and try to justify other people’s poor behaviors? the real reason people insult others? because they’re assholes. yup. that simple. assholes.

i’m a huge fan of the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated.

more so, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. just keep your fucking mouth shut. everyone doesn’t need to hear every thought or opinion you have. myself included.

today i got my hair cut off. it’s somewhat of a big deal. i’ve had long hair for…decades. now, when i was younger, growing up, i had short hair. when i was young i had many different styles. edgy and, quite frankly, embarrassing ones. lol. then i “grew up” and went traditional. long. i have curly hair, thick, dark brown (i dye the gray out). not kinky curly, but wavy-curly.

i have no self-esteem or self-worth, as you all know. so, taking a chance on doing something different took guts. i hate being noticed, i hate attention upon me. i like to just silently slip through life.

however, i have been wanting something easy and low maintenance for quite some time. long hair is such a pain in the ass. it takes forever to wash, forever to brush and forever to dry. when it gets really long (mine was around the top of my butt), messy buns are out of the question, as is most other pop-and-go ‘dos.

so, something short sounded great. fast showers, no tangles and summer is coming! what i went with was a tasteful style. i’m not some middle-aged woman trying to be 19. i went age appropriate. i did it for me, no one else. i love it. i love what my hairdresser has done. it’s a style that gives me many options (straightener, etc) and also gives me the option of wash and go. it is capable of being high maintenance and low maintenance at the same time.

after she was finished and i checked it out, i was elated. i, me, actually felt somewhat decent about myself. even my hairdresser was smiling at her work. job well done. i held my head high as i left the salon. holding my head up and high just never happens with me.

all the way home i beamed about my new, fun hairstyle. i smiled like an idiot at how great it made me feel. revitalized and alive! fresh! it was a good drive.

when i arrived home my husband got up from sleeping (he’s on night shift right now) and came into the kitchen. he took one look at me and his entire face went sour. he looked at me as if i were the ugliest woman he’d ever seen. and in the most hateful tone he said, “what the hell did you do?”

still feeling good i replied, “got my haircut!” he shook his head, gave me another look and said, “that’s awful. you look like a fat boy.” and just like that, i was crushed. i am still very hurt by it.

a few things you should know about me: 1) i don’t look like a boy. if you saw me you would know, without a doubt, that i am a woman. i have breasts, curves, an ass... 2) i think i am fat. i do. logically speaking, though, i am not fat. definitely not skinny! but not fat. i am…normal. 3) i have very feminine features. if all you saw were my eyes you’d know that you were looking at a woman. i have high set cheekbones and just, overall, a very female face.

regardless of all of that, my low self-esteem and intense self-hatred has grabbed ahold of the looks he gave me and his words. my refreshed and somewhat good feeling is gone. now i feel stupid. stupid and ugly. ugly and fat. and when i look in the mirror now, all i see is a fat boy. i hate that i cut my hair…i hate myself, really.

i could make excuses for my husband and his poor actions and horrible words. i could. but, i’m not. he made me feel like shit. he has a way of making me feel “less than.” he succeeds at this every time. i cried. not in front of him, of course…but i cried. i’m not a crier, either. not an overly weepy woman. sometimes your heart and brain can only take so much, though.

if i were to make excuses for him, they’d go something like this: 1) he was just really tired. going back to overnights is hard to get readjusted to. 2) perhaps he reacted negatively because he was shocked to see me with short hair (i did tell him weeks ago i was getting it cut). 3) uh…i don’t have a third.

because here’s the truth. he’s an asshole. he gets off making me feel less than. he gets off making me feel like a worthless piece of ugly shit. and, a part of me thinks he likes to keep me frumpy and drab. he has control issues and is a bit possessive and jealous.

he’s a dick.

and the thing with someone like me, who already knows that they are ugly and worthless…all the logic in the world can’t seem to overcome the insecurities i have inside. even knowing the truth…he still has made me feel…unlovable. ashamed. embarrassed. disgusting.

people say “you give him too much power over you.” personally, i think that is just bs. when you are in a relationship (of any kind-romantic, friendship, family, etc) it is essential to give yourself to the other person. if you want a real, true relationship. and by giving yourself to another, they then somewhat own a piece of you. thus, they have power over you.

it’s impossible to truly love another being and think you are incapable of being hurt by them.

people have power to hurt other people. and it’s not your fault. you didn’t allow it to happen. it’s their fault for being total fucksticks. it’s insulting to me when i hear someone say the reason i am hurt or upset is because i allowed another person to have that power over me.

the only way to not be hurt by others? there is no way. we are alive. we see other humans. it’s life. there are awful people in this world and there are kind people in this world. kind people (and unkind) suffer the consequences of others actions all the time. what we have the power over is what we do with the hurt and pain they cause, and if we choose to dwell on it.

today, tonight, i will subconsciously dwell. it might even get me down tomorrow. i mean, he’s my husband. no woman likes to hear about how she repulses her husband. it’s bound to get me down for awhile. however, i will not indulge in the thoughts (of what he said, the look on his face…) for long. mainly because it’s too painful.

also because someone like me, in my state of mind, cannot afford all of that negativity and hatred towards myself to be inside of me, at the forefront, consistently. i mean, i struggle with depression and suicidal ideations. all his words are are fuel for that fire. i don’t like being the way that i am…but change doesn’t happen overnight.

most days i have to just focus on breathing and not laying down and giving up completely. most days my main goal is just getting up out of bed. after that is accomplished, i just try to survive each day. i know one thing, though.

kindness would sure help me survive the days better.

gentleness and kindness always make a huge impact on me…on us all. he could’ve said so many other things to me about my hair today. even if he hated it, he could’ve said it nicer. but he chose ugliness and cruelty. and, i’m the one who will suffer for it. after all, i’m me. i never stand up for myself. i’ll never tell him how horrible he treats me.

some men and women are just mean.

some just don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

i’m glad i’m not one of those people.

2 comments on “insults

  1. Hello Penelopie. I just read this post from you. I am sorry to hear about how you feel treated by your husband. I do not feel as though any woman should be disrespected by the person whom she loved enough to marry. A point of concern from reading your post is you mentioning that you have no self-esteem or confidence. I find that revelation about you a bit disturbing. I strongly believe that no self-esteem is not God’s plan for you. God’s plan is for you to be confident.

    The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7
    “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline”.

    And your marriage, and how you feel about your husband, it is something that is worth praying over. Consistent prayer is key. The plan of the devil is to destroy every marriage, and every good thing that the Lord has put on earth. I would suggest that you call your husband, discuss with him in the wisest way possible about the way that he treats you. he needs to learn to respect you. You should also learn to respect him too. Also, pray for him, pray for your marriage, pray for confidence too. When you stand on God as your rock, you would not fail. Hold onto the Lord, and let him be your guide. Nothing is impossible with God. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a happy family, and God can give you that. If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one, it is beyond the best blessing. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing, and working to deepen your relationship with God. May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    Like

    1. penelopie says:

      thank you so much for your compassion and concern. i do have a relationship with the Lord. i will keep your kindness and advice in mind.

      i use my blog to just let loose and get things out. it is my only forum to speak freely and openly.

      on a day-to-day basis i seek help and council in the Lord and those He provides me here on this earth. i, generally speaking, have some measure of hope in Him. things are rough right now, but they will get better.

      thank you, again, for your compassion and offer to help. i hope you have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

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