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i can’t sleep. i try. i took some otc sleeping meds. nothin’.

too many things on my mind. first, i was watching this crime show before i went to bed. it’s got me all freaked out now. i should know better! i scare easily. i never watch horror films. some people like to be frightened. i don’t. so now i’m all paranoid about someone being out to get me.

stupid, fantastic show. i’ve seen every episode multiple times. it’s still entertaining. the things that could actually happen in real life, that’s the stuff that creeps me the fuck out. zombies and bs like that, puh! giant eye roll. although, i don’t like to watch that stuff either.

i prefer chick flicks. romance. ah, romantic sigh, love. romantic comedies are probably my favorites. and, i’m a sucker for the classics. all of them. romance, in general, makes me all warm and fuzzy. i’m a crier, too. even with things most people wouldn’t cry about. who here remembers those old hallmark commercials? how can i not cry when the old, lonely person goes to check their mail and finds a sweet card? are you kidding me!? you’re killin’ me, smalls. every. time. those commercials get me every. time.

ok, so second on my mind…well, not second. also on my mind is a friend. we’ve been friends for over 25 years now. 26 years this year. her recent behavior has me down. she is dating someone new (she’s recently divorced) and has stopped speaking to me. i’ve asked her multiple times if i have done something wrong and she says “no.” and that she is just being a “shitty friend.” no apologies. no denial. i leave her be. it’s my nature to be quiet and let people treat me as they wish…those that i don’t want to lose.

she’s walked out of my life before, and i said nothing. not even when she came back into my life. i just took it. i always just take it. but between us, it’s bullshit. we’ve never ignored each other because of a significant other. i deserve better.

not to mention, my husband and i put her on our phone plan. it’s a long story, but the short version is: if we wouldn’t have, she would’ve no longer had a phone. now she is not making her payment to us for her part of the phone bill, and her phone. so, every month i have to awkwardly ask for it. i hate money and i hate that this is even an issue. i’m aware that it’s my own fault. i am. but seriously…just pay your fucking bills. of course, i don’t say that. what i say is, “i’m sorry to have to ask you…but your phone payment is due.” she paid early for soooo long. it was fine. then started dating, quit speaking to me and quit honoring her financial obligation. it’s just a pain in the ass.

but it’s her that i really miss. when you’ve known someone that long, it’s easy. wonderful. i have about 3 other close friends that i have known for the same amount of time. we speak weekly and see each other often (the two that live close). and i have a friend i’ve known for 30 years that i talk to everyday. i’m blessed with long term relationships.

the third thing on my mind, but probably the most intimate thing on my mind, is another friend. i’ve only known him for 7 years. 7 years this september. yeah…i remember the day we met. i remember many things. he and i are currently spatting. no. that’s not the right word. we are just…having troubles. it’s both of our fault. mine, because i dismissed things he said and didn’t honor requests he made. his, because he hasn’t been completely honest. not with me, or himself. and…because harry was right. it’s hard for men and women to just be friends without any sexual tension getting in the way.

we are both married. neither of us have ever cheated on our spouses. so, it’s not like that. that would definitely ruin our friendship. neither of us has any desire to be that person. having made many mistakes in my past…cheating on my husband is something i never wish to do. i’ve been many things…but i don’t want to be that.

my friend and i are just friends. we know each other’s spouses, etc. he’s just…my soul mate. and i don’t mean that in the romantic sense. i mean it in the our-souls-communicate-without-words sense. ya know? in my heart, in my soul…there is a hole that is his shape. without him, i feel the loss deeply and on every level. and yes, i have a hole the shape of my husband inside, as well. it’s different, though, with my friend. spouses can’t be everything to one another, and it’s unfair to expect that from them. friends are a necessity.

so…i have been missing him. i’m currently giving him space. giving space is hard for me, sometimes. not with my friend i spoke about above. i suppose because i could live on just fine without her, in the long run. there is no hole inside of me that is her shape. but giving him space…what if he decides to never come back? yeah, i know the saying.

i have abandonment issues. especially when it comes to men. doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why. my father. so, that makes me even more scared. i love my friend very much. and if he were to leave…i would be broken.

there are just some people i simply cannot live without. he’s one of them.

that’s three things on my mind. now, there are always about a million thoughts a minute running through this pea-sized brain of mine. those are just the top three tonight.

life, my life, is full of things i wish i could do over. some people say they have no regrets, but i do. most are in the relational realm. things i wish i would have said, and didn’t. things i wish i wouldn’t have said, and did. things i wish i could take back. even one, or two, relationships i’d have never started. tonight i am pondering all of the things i said out loud that i wish i wouldn’t have.

you know what they say about hindsight…

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