last night i spent my night watching a couple of romantic comedies. as i watched them i found myself getting swept away in the stories, the characters and the happiness of others. it was marvelous.
until the time came to turn out the lights and come to bed. filled with romance and love…i began to think of those that i have loved…and those i love still. then i became swept away in my own stories and romances…and the unhappy endings that occur far too often in real life.
forbidden love seems to be a strong theme throughout my life. forbidden because they belonged to another, positions held, opposite sides of the track. different reasons for forbidden love. i suppose there are a million reasons for forbidden love.
it was the darkness of the forbidden that made it so seductive.
and, a couple of the men were just walking sex. hard to resist. charming. capable. enticing.
life now is so different from my lives i lived before. i look in the mirror and i don’t even know who i am anymore. is the person i once was lost for good? have the constant insults and brow beatings buried the woman i was before?
who is this person staring back at me with such defeated and sad eyes?
i don’t know how to make it better for her. does she even deserve better? what will her fate be? this stranger in the mirror staring back at me.
today was such a sad day for me. if you have read anything i have written before, you probably already know the situation. but for those that don’t, here’s the quick backstory. you’ll need to know it so that you will be able to fully understand the terrible devastation of today.
when my husband and i were dating i was honest and upfront about wanting a child. he agreed to us having one. he lied. that’s the short version. and…the short version of my desires-i want a child more than…it’s my heart’s desire to be a mother.
anyway, not being one to flee when i don’t get my way, i have been mourning the loss of my birthright due to a liar. i’ve been praying and trying to get through the anger. it has improved some. but the pain…well, it hasn’t. i have just become really great at hiding it.
my husband and i have been together for quite some time. and we have been married for even longer. something like this stays fresh. it always feels as if it just happened. as if he just broke my heart yesterday. when reality is…it was a long time ago.
not wanting to bring a child into this world with someone who doesn’t desire it, not wanting my first act as a mother to be an act of deceit…and simply just not being that kind of woman…i have honored his request and have taken birth control for the entirety of our relationship.
bodies are fickle beings, though. and mine eventually started to disagree with the pill. i’ll spare you the details, but know it was unpleasant. so, i went off of them. and yes, i told him right when i did. i have taken a break from the birth control, and sex (because he refuses to have sex with me when i am not protected against pregnancy).
today, however, i went and had an iud placed. five years i’ll be protected. for five more years i’ll definitely not be a mother. and…time will run out…and my chances will be all gone. as will my hopes and dreams.
it was a painful procedure. super invasive. and a bit ironic. not only am i not going to get to have a child…we forced my cervix open today and shoved a device into my uterus to keep it from happening. the irony? we placed in something that will prevent a child from coming out. i suppose it’s more going-against-nature in a way. more that than irony.
regardless, one thing i know for sure? it’s heartbreaking. and today my anger at a man who professes to love me is high.
he’s a liar and a thief.
there’s no happy ending. i’ll die old and alone. well, unless i take care of it before i become old.
the fucking fairytales are for the silver screen.
and to top it off, this morning i pretended to be someone i’m not with someone i love deeply. operation jester seems to be starting with success. i am pretending to be happy and fun and light. today in a message i even wrote the phrase “it’s a beautiful day to be alive.”
everything inside me began to crawl. my skin crawled. i almost threw up. as a suicidal person, uttering those words is almost the biggest betrayal of oneself that there is.
i knew. the moment i hit send i knew…that i am no longer me. just a shell. an empty shell begging for scraps of love.
just as i knew it again when i was in my car after the iud procedure. i’m not anything anymore. again, just a shell. begging for scraps of love from my husband, too.
life is not worth living.
i cannot be me and be loved. i am worthless. i am no one.
and i have become a puppet.
there will come a day…the day will come when i say fuck the cup of coffee…and i end my misery for good. i know not when or how…but i have a feeling. inside my empty, worthless shell…
i have a feeling.