i feel like lately i am standing on the edge of a cliff. sometimes i feel as if i am only standing on one leg, carelessly lifting the other leg in the air over the vast sea that rages below. i’m not sturdy. i am not a giftedly balanced person. i could fall at any time.
and i would fall, dying before my body ever touched the water. dying before i ever hit rock bottom. the fall would take me before the impact. my heart would give out and my lifeless body would simply float along…aimlessly with the current.
i’ve not felt much like writing these past few months. some days were just too busy, but most days i was too depressed to even lift up my metaphorical pen. it’s hard enough to live in this skin from day-to-day. somedays i don’t feel like taking the scenic tour within.
about a month ago i was sitting in this rocking chair that we have in our room. i was drinking a cup of coffee, staring out the window at our back yard, enjoying the silence and solitude the moment provided. i was oddly calm. eerily, really.
as i was slowly rocking back and forth, slightly resting my head on the back of the chair, i began to look at one of our dressers. there is nothing spectacular about it. normal, oak…a bit manly. my husband is the one who picked it out, along with the bed frame we have in our room, probably 30 years ago. we compromised on putting his bedroom suite in the master bedroom and mine in the guest room. i can frill it up as much as i want, and yet it still has a manly structure that he prefers.
anyway, i sat there staring at it. inside is one of our guns. a gun i have held many times (in the past), wishfully thinking that i was braver. on that day, however, i never moved for it. but i sat there and i thought about how much i would love to just casually, calmly get up, retrieve it and then use it. ultimate destruction. the end to a life that expired so very long ago. i fantasized about that for about an hour.
i got lost in the dream of no longer existing.
when i snapped out of it, i got up and began my day. a day like any other. no one was aware of how close i came. and i was too painfully aware of how much further i would have had to go.
on the edge of this cliff seems to be where i have been standing for the last few years. maybe my entire life, in some respect. i long for the day when i can just recklessly plunge my body forward and let gravity bring me to my ultimate end.
for some of us, things will never get better. for some of us…life is like this miserable merry-go-round that we just can’t manage to get off of. a merry-go-round that we don’t remember ever willingly climbing onto.
i wish i had it in me to just…jump. arms outstretched. carefree.
(for a standard disclaimer for those of you who will sleep better hearing it: i am not suicidal. i have no plans to harm myself or anyone else.)