i just miss him.
i miss everything about him.
i miss his smile. his warm and comforting smile. his inviting mouth. his perfect teeth.
i miss his face. his cheeks, his chin, his forehead. i miss his hair. his dark, thick hair. i miss his ears. i miss his nose.
i miss his eyes. his beautiful hazel eyes. kind. inviting. heavy. deep. sad. alluring. hypnotizing.
i miss his body. he’s tall. 6’1″…6’2″…broad shoulders. strong. sturdy. his chest is manly. hard, and yet soft. long legs, no butt. but a butt.
more than that, i miss him. i miss how he made me laugh. i miss how he made me feel. he made me feel everything. good, bad, beautiful, ugly, smart, kind, horrible…everything. he brought me to life. by simply being there, he brought life into me.
he’s smart. he’s easy to be with. and for me, no one is easy to be with. i have a hard time dropping my guard with anyone. seriously. anyone. he cared about me. he is the only person i’ve ever known who ever has. he’s the only person who has ever truly loved me.
his face used to light up when i would laugh. i’ve never seen anyone fill up with joy like that because i was happy. he cared. he made me want to be…different. better. happy.
he gave me hope.
i miss him.
i miss making him laugh. he has the best laugh. i could listen to him laugh all day.
when he cried…my entire being split in two.
i miss the way he smelled. i miss our witty banter. i miss our edgy flirting. i miss how he challenged me.
i miss how well he knew me. he knew me. he knew me so well…there were times he knew me better than i knew myself. he drove me to the edge of reason, but he held my hand while we stood there looking down.
he protected me. he saved me. literally. he saved my life. not because he had to…because he chose to. not because i wanted him to. you all know i don’t want to be here. dying is fine with me. still, he chose to save me, risking my wrath. because he wanted me to live.
i miss him. i miss arguing with him. i hate conflict. i hate arguing. with him, though, it lit a fire inside of me. it woke me up. burned deep within.
i miss the heat. the passion that was denied…is still denied. i miss the tension. i miss seeing his beautiful face. i miss hearing his beautiful voice.
what i would give for a hug right now. an embrace. my friend. my dear, dear friend. i’d never let him go. and i would cry.
i have lost many people over the course of my life. some to death, some to circumstance. none have been as painful as the loss of him. i’d give anything to have him back. anything.
i never got to run my fingers over his face, gently touching every part. his cheeks, his nose, his chin, his forehead, his eyelids, his lips…i never got to let the tears run silently down my face as i made an attempt to memorize everything about him. i never got to whisper in his ear,
“i love you.”
i never got to give him that one forbidden kiss. i never got to softly say that it’s always been him. always. that he matters. that he is worth it. everything. that it’s always been him. before the others. before the others that he thinks i have loved more than him…it’s always been him.
i would tell him…you undo me. because he does. he does. in every way, i come undone. he breaks me in every single way, and then puts me back together. he breaks me, in the best possible way.
and that i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i was never enough. i’m sorry that i was…me. if i had only been…someone who wasn’t a throw away. if i had only been worth it. if i had only been someone who held any sort of value…
my heart aches for him. my mind bleeds for him. my soul dies without him. he protected me…from myself. he protected me…from the world. he loved me, when no one else has.
but he abandoned me…just like everyone else.