can i just be undone tonight? the kind of honest that isn’t edited. naked. the honest that just spews itself out there without fear of retribution or consequences. without fear. that’s the key. i just want to say what i’m feeling without having to edit everything out that i fear will cause panic or concern and bring unwanted attention. i just want to…be me. totally me.
often times on here i hold back. i’m afraid that if i give too much of myself…it will be too much. no one will be able to handle it. and that the feelings and thoughts that i share will be mistaken for actions. which is not the case. tonight i just need to purge.
another bad day. so bad. just…so bad. and as i lie here in bed tonight, all i want to do is just disappear.
i have had more and more of those moments that i call “out of body” moments. they are lightning fast, most of the time. they have great potential to be deadly, given the right circumstance. deadly only to me, mind you. when the situation that i am in proves to be too much for me to handle, inside, and i just…i break. for a split second i break. and in that split second, if there would ever happen to be something right next to me that would be capable of ending my life, the probability of me doing so increases exponentially.
picture a pot of boiling water. i am on a low boil at all times. the lid on. during these moments, i boil over. however, i am always there. i’m there to get the situation under control, so i only have that second to boil over uncontrollably. in that second, though…how much of a mess could i make if i were in the right setting?
like today, for example. nonstop, constant jabbing. onslaught of constant verbal assaults. there was no break in it today. none. he did not nap, he did not go for a drive. he was here at the house all day. and i was his punching bag all day long. at one point during the day, after some particularly harsh words, inside i just simply boiled over. my insides snapped and all i could see was myself going into the room, picking up the gun and shooting myself in the head.
during these moments it is so real. i am so calm. and as a solution it is always so right. so solitary. it calls to me, like a moth to a flame. during these moments, had i been right by the gun, i have no doubt that i would just pick it up, put it to my head and pull the trigger without any actual cognitive thought. bam. in less than five seconds everything would go dark…assuming the damn gun would work.
when i have a day where one of these moments has happened, it stays with me. a bit like a dream sometimes stays with you during the day. it follows me around. flows in and out of my being, caressing my mind and my soul. teases my heart. beckons me to entertain it more. because it knows that it is what i desire. the only difference is that in my general state of mind, i have a bit more hesitation on a day-to-day basis. obviously.
if i didn’t, i wouldn’t be here. if i held no hesitation within, i would have succeeded long ago. i would have kept trying until i succeeded. pulled trigger after trigger until one went off. there is quite a difference, though, between offing yourself loaded and offing yourself sober. i have tried both ways. countless ways loaded. once sober.
when you fail loaded, you shrug your shoulders and curse God, take another hit, pass out and move on. when you fail sober, you have a complete and total fucking meltdown. coming back from a meltdown when you are sober, and alone, is hard. it’s exhausting. it isn’t fun. so, i have hesitation. for many reasons.
offing myself in an “out of body” moment would be easier. just so much easier. it leaves time for no hesitation or thought. it’s simply feel and react. cause and effect. i see, therefore i am. i have had an increase in the number of these “out of body” moments because i have had an increase in trauma and abuse lately. they go hand in hand. also, the more i clam up, the more i will boil over internally.
the thing is, i’m never in a situation where i am able to carry it through. an “out of body” moment is extremely painful, too. extremely painful. it’s the emotional equivalent of hot, boiling water boiling over all on yourself. emotions, hot and out of control, spilling out everywhere all over yourself…but only on your insides. and you can’t scream. you can’t cry. you must remain calm. you must keep smiling. no one can know.
it’s like suffering third degree emotional burns, that can never be treated.
keep doing the dishes. keep cleaning the house. keep shopping at the store. keep driving. don’t lose focus on whatever conversation you are having. suffer in silence.
making the attraction to the gun and the end all that more appealing. the end. silence. no more.
i’m an emotional cutter. a physical bone breaker. i long to leave this world…but for the most part find myself to be far too much of a coward to do so myself.
i cry. i cry all the time, in secret. i cry when i’m alone. never in front of anyone. i don’t like to be vulnerable. i don’t like to be that open anymore. i don’t trust anyone that much to not hurt me.
someone would have to love me first…and that just isn’t in the cards for me.
when i was young i learned very early to not expect love. then i learned to not to want to be loved. it served me well for a very long time. at some point in life i got tripped up…and believed someone when they said they loved me. never knew what it felt like to be loved. i liked it. found myself wanting to be loved. it caused me nothing but pain. in the end, it turns out that that person probably didn’t really love me at all. i was a fool. i was smarter as a child than as an adult. something i kicked myself for. eventually i regained my safe mindset of not wanting love. safe. guarded. alone.
i love. i love very much. i love a handful of people very much. it is ok to love. in spite of my life, my heart loves. i just do not wish to be loved.
i know i said the other day that i deserve to be loved the way i deserve to be loved. it’s true. i do. but, i don’t need it. i don’t seek it out. in fact, these days i find myself shying away from it. standing firmly alone with my walls all intact. which, isn’t hard. there isn’t exactly a line if people beating down the door, begging to love me anyway. no one is writing or calling, arguing with me, saying, “penelopie, i do. i do love you. you’re wrong.” so really, it’s a non issue.
my eyes burn tonight from all of the crying today and yesterday. i know i probably come off sounding weak and pathetic. pathetic, yes. weak…i don’t know. yes, i suppose i am…in areas. but, i’m doing the best i can. i feel like a dog who has just been beaten constantly…and the beatings won’t stop long enough for me to get my feet under me. i can’t seem to get my head on straight. it’s blow after blow after blow.
so instead of trying to get up anymore, i’m just laying here…waiting for the death blow. but it never comes. it’s just torture and pain, pain and torture. one thing after another after another. loss after loss after loss. and i just don’t have the energy or the will to open my eyes anymore. i don’t care that the sun comes up each day. i don’t care that the night comes.
i’m just waiting.
waiting for the end.
and the end never seems to be coming.
i retreat into my mind. into worlds that i create to escape to. much like a child would. spending time with people i love, that i pretend love me. it’s ok to be loved in a world that does not exist. i spend time with people that i pretend care about me. i write novels in my head that will probably never see a piece of paper. wonderful stories that would make entertaining movies.
i pick myself apart. piece by piece, bit by bit. every single flaw, every single imperfection. i drag myself through hell and back. i mentally and emotionally kick the shit out of myself all day long. i hate myself. there’s nothing good in me. i never find one single positive trait. and with each character reflexion, the list of deficiencies grows and grows.
it isn’t a mystery to me…why i am unlovable. i have the list of negative qualities to prove why. the list even justifies my husband’s behaviors, at times. and, of course, the list always goes back to prove the ol’ tried and true: i’m nothing. worthless. a throwaway.
the endless cycle of self-loathing. self-depreciation. it is exhausting. “i’m self-loathing and self-destructive to an almost pathological degree.” ah, yes. i’m sure i am. you would be hard-pressed to find someone else who hates themself as much as i hate myself. “make myself someone i love” you say? ah, there is no hope. no hope. i have no redeeming qualities. you don’t improve upon trash. you simply just throw it away.
i didn’t get to inflict any self harm today. i was never alone long enough. perhaps tomorrow will offer me the opportunity. once i get just a little release, perhaps some of the pressure will lift…and i can sigh a sigh of relief. the internal setting has been set on high for far too long, though. and i just…
i feel like i’m just going to collapse. literally collapse. my mind is just going to give out on me. my body is going to shut down and that isn’t an option. while i don’t matter, and i know i’m not important…i still have things to do. collapsing will only cause me more trouble in the long run. the only way collapsing is ok is if i never get back up. i’ll never get that lucky.
if you are wondering why i don’t seek help…well, there are a number of reasons. first, i don’t believe there is any hope. i’ve had countless, countless hours of therapy. i’m no stranger to it. i believe in counseling. it really does work. there are amazing counselors and psychologists out there. i’ve had some of the best. what i don’t believe in…is me. not now. i’m…no good. i’m beyond help. my mindset right now…i’m not worth the trouble or the time.
second…my last counselor abandoned me. not really in the mood for that to happen again. in his defense…he was overworked. and also…i think that he knew there was no hope for me. so…i suppose i can’t really fault him. still…it was painful. i had known him for a very long time.
third…i’m just too tired to start over with someone else. right now i don’t have the patience. also, right now i just don’t trust anyone, to be honest. i find that the world is primarily full of liars. and…i attract them like flies. it’s a bit of a copout, i know. i am letting my hurt fuel excuses. but, i’m ok with that.
i just don’t want to. i don’t want to. i don’t want to talk to anyone right now. there’s probably just one person i know in this life that i trust…and…even then, again, i just don’t see any need. because i don’t see any hope. there’s just no point.
i’m not worth saving.
i’m not worth anything.