i finally got some peace and quiet today. it was nice. kept the television off all day while i worked around the house. enjoyed the sound of silence, mixed in with sounds of life milling about outside. well, plus the sounds of our dog (a lab) and the occasional meow of our cat.
my mind was free to stretch and unwind all day. it was busy occupying countless thoughts all at once on a subconscious level, allowing my conscious mind to remain somewhat blank. blank, except for the one thought that seemed to take up residence all day long.
i have the usual worries that most people do. financial, family, health, etc. those all were frequent passengers today. in and out like drive-by’s. my constant companion was him, though. he was on my mind today. worrying, wondering, waiting. my friend.
the million other thoughts that went on in the background blended together to form white noise. nothing more than a headache if i try to separate and make sense of it all. but my friend…i thought about him all day…and gradually became sadder and sadder as the day went on.
i am waiting for a reply to a message i sent. waiting to hear back from him. essentially waiting to hear what he has decided to do. will he come back …or have i lost him forever?
the suspense is heavy. the wait is hard on me. the absence of him in my life is…a hole that cannot be filled.
there are people that you lose in life that you can recover from the loss…and people that when you lose them, you lose a piece of yourself. he is the latter.
i have had moments over these last months where i mistakingly thought that perhaps i could just limp through this life somewhat ok if he were to leave. but i know. i know. if he leaves…all i see is…everything stopping. i see nothing else after it. the world just stops. my heart stops. my lungs stop. my mind stops.
a part of me just wants to know already. the wait is killing me. i just need to know.
but i have been alive long enough to know that bad news can always wait. waiting forever is always better than hearing what you dread.
limbo is always better than hell.
my mind wanders. i find myself dreaming of seeing him one last time and what i would do. i would cry. yes, i would cry.
i often wonder if it would make any difference if he saw me. chances are it would just push him further away. i’m not much to look at.
i wish there was something i could do…but all i can do now is wait. wait and be silent. both are not my strong suit. not with him. which is probably part of my problem.
i am still in this whole new “not needing love” mode…but i tell ya, i sure wish i could change myself to make me someone who was lovable. i wish i wasn’t unlovable. repulsive. he makes me wish that i wasn’t a throwaway. he makes me wish i actually had value and worth.
i don’t. but…for once, i wish i did.