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i woke up early this morning. i had all of these wonderful plans lined out for my day. made a list and everything. i’m a list maker. if not, i lose track of what i’m doing. i am easily distracted. lists help me stay focused. my plans for the day had me being so productive.

i was going to start organizing parts of the house. i keep a clean house, but tend to clutter up parts here and there. i shove things in closets when i’m in a hurry. my cleaning go-to is to hide things in rooms or places that aren’t seen by the public. that eventually leads to a chaotic mess. also, people tend to put things in the wrong spots day after day. living takes its toll on organization, in general. houses need periodic reorganization. my plan for today was to start organizing.

it serves many purposes. decluttering, organizing, helps calm my brain. both the process, and the after effects, are good for peace of mind. an organized house leads to an organized head. my mind is just out of control lately. so, that is one reason.

mainly, though, i need to get my affairs in order. you never know what life will bring. i want to have a house that is prepared for anything.

if something ever happens to me i want my husband to be able to find whatever he needs easily. i don’t want him to have to sift through a bunch of crap. he needs to be able to have a home that he can know where everything is. there is more to a home than just cleanliness. i need to get on top of this. if something were to happen to me now, he’d be lost. he wouldn’t be able to find anything.

having every room completely arranged and structured will benefit many areas. our granddaughter is getting older. we need to have a home that is 100% granddaughter ready. she, too, needs to be able to find her way around. our home is her home. our home is our son’s home. if something were to happen to both of us, God forbid, i want our home ready for anyone to be able to come in and make sense of all of it.

mainly, though, i am doing it in preparation for my passing. no, i’m not planning my death. calm down. just wishful thinking. it’s always good to be prepared. so, like i said, i’m getting my affairs in order. just in case.

anyway, i woke up early all eager to get started. the alarm went off, i get up. i go out into the living room, the dining room, let the dog outside…and see my husband’s lunchbox still sitting on the buffet. my heart sank. i go to the guest room (where he sleeps). i open the door and there he was. sleeping. he called into work. he said he was “sick.” he wasn’t.

my whole day was ruined. i had just put up with him for two days. two very long and stressful days. i needed this day. it didn’t happen.

all of my plans were tossed in the trash. i had to babysit him all day. women will understand this more than men. and men, no offense. but…most men are babies when they are sick. men pretending to be sick are even worse. so, i threw a chicken in the crockpot, cut up vegetables, threw in spices and made chicken noodle soup. my day was spent tending to a man all day. again.

don’t get me wrong. i actually love tending to a man. it makes me feel full. as a woman it makes me feel whole. i think the resentment comes in because of who it is, or rather how he treats me. if he was a loving husband, kind and gentle, who adored me…nothing would please me more than to tend to his every need. i’m a bit old fashion like that. i like the whole 1950’s housewife thing. what i don’t like is his 1950’s attitude toward me. i don’t like the abuse.

needless to say, i didn’t get to cross one thing off my list. my soup turned out great, though. of course, it’s hard to screw up chicken noodle soup. lol. it just feels like an absolute waste of a day.

it left me with time. time to read a bit, since he spent a portion of his day in the guest room sleeping. since i was unable to work as i had planned. i read poetry, bits of romance novels and love letters from authors long gone. my mind wandered about in a daze. my heart leapt with thoughts of the man that i love…that will never know. my heart sank with thoughts of the husband that i love…who doesn’t see me. my soul cried with memories of the man that i love…that will never know i love him, and will never love me back. i mourned a man i never had, and will never have…and i mourned the man i have, and yet don’t have.

then, as always, i allowed my mind to float off and dream. dream of a world in which i am happy. in that world, it’s always the other man. he’s kind. he’s loving. he sees me. he’s all of those things in this world, which is probably why it’s so easy for me to make him all of those things in my fantasy world.

i dozed off for a bit and dreamt dreams similar to the ones i had when i was awake. he follows me into my dreams often. he comforts me when i am sleeping, which i am grateful for. when he is not in my dreams, i have the worst nightmares. the kind that wake me up in a cold sweat, out of breath, shaking and fighting for air.

i woke up to hearing my name being called. it was part of my dream. in reality, though, it was my husband. calling my name because he was thirsty. he wanted me to bring him something to drink and a cool washcloth.

reality is always so much harsher than my dreams.

i made it through another day, though. i managed to nurse my sick husband back from his fake illness. we now have enough chicken noodle soup to get us through the winter (i’ll freeze it). so i suppose the day wasn’t a complete loss.

it didn’t go as planned, but it could’ve gone a lot worse, that’s for sure. i didn’t have to endure a day of constant verbal abuse. he slept a good portion of the day. getting extra rest might have really been good for him. he does work hard. perhaps i should be thankful for the small things. small things can make a huge impact.

sometimes chicken noodle soup can make a huge difference.

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