there are many nights when i am lying in bed, alone, and i find myself wishing he was here beside me. having his body so close to mine, even in a nonsexual way, would provide solace. comfort that i won’t find with anyone else.
the safety and security that he provides on a physical, emotional and spiritual level is rival to none. the ease with which my soul fits in his gives intimacy like no other. i have yet to find another with whom i can just be.
when we are at peace with one another, things are effortless. they flow with this simplistic level of comfort and casualness, making him feel like a mere extension of my very own self. there is a level within us that seems to move as one, even when we move separately.
his presence calms every part of my being. i believe, too, that my presence calms him as well. if he were here beside me, i would nestle into his body and breathe him in. deeply. thoroughly. evenly. my lungs would open, and i would take him in. gradually my breathing would steady. my breathing would join his. he would guide me. and for the first time in a very, very long time…i could finally breathe.
slowly, muscle by muscle would begin to relax. the tension would melt away from my body. with him beside me i no longer would have a need to be guarded. i’d no longer need to be cautious and scared. with him near, i am always safe. nothing can harm me. he’d never allow it. nestled into his body, my body can finally be at peace. he is strong. his muscles would absorb my tension and fill my body with warmth and tranquility. his arms around me would provide the extra security i would need to ensure my safety.
on a cold night such as this, his body warmth would provide extra contentment. a bit of a metaphor, as well. i am lonely and alone, in a large bed on a cold night. how lovely it would be to have him here. to have his warm body next to mine, his warm arms around me, his warm breath on me. him. not just anyone. him. he is safe.
to hear his voice in my ear as i drift off to sleep…telling me whatever he wishes to tell me. his beautiful voice. i miss hearing all of the wonderful things he always had to say. i miss how groggy he used to get when his meds would kick in late at night, right before he would fall asleep. how silly he would become.
if he were here tonight…because i am me…i would steal a kiss. as soon as he drifted off to sleep, when i knew he was asleep enough to never know, i would steal a kiss. a soft, tender kiss. timid. scared. passionate. my fingers would gently skim his neck…his face…and i would lean up, so quietly. still. then softly, sweetly, i would lay my lips on his…and steal a kiss.
and then…i would delicately lay my head back down on his chest, close my eyes and enjoy the first night of sleep i had ever had in my entire life.
it would be a good night. it would be the best night i ever had.
it will never happen.
but i will dream of it.