even though i have been clean for almost 6 years now, i still have days that are really hard. this morning i woke up with a strong need to use. the pull is inside me today. when that happens, it is my only thought for the entire day.
today will be a long day on a completely different playing field.
battling addiction is different than anything else i battle.
my battle with depression, anxiety and suicide do not compare. my battle with the ongoing abuse i live with is nothing. my battle with my weight doesn’t even begin to compare.
the only thing that comes close is my battle with loss. grief and addiction have similarities. they are the only two things i have ever experienced that have the ability to take a person down. they are the only two things that, if left to rule themselves, will cause absolute destruction. grief and addiction lead to depression, anxiety, obesity…etc.
addiction and grief are two of the few things in life that never resolve themself in any way. left alone, they will completely destroy you. no one else can take that first step for you. grief and addiction…they depend solely on the person they dwell within.
so when my first thought after opening my eyes is of using, i know that i am in for a very hard day. as an addict, drugs aren’t just drugs for me. they are life. they are the best lover i’ve ever had. they are the best friend i’ve ever had. they are the only family i’ve ever had.
while i choose not to use, it is not because i no longer love them. because i do. i love them. i long for them. i ache for them. a love story for the ages. in all honesty, i don’t think that there is anyone or anything that i love more. still. to this day. they are the best thing. they love me better, they love me more, than anyone ever has.
i believe all of that. you are thinking right now, “lies. those are lies, penelopie. they aren’t truths.” and that is why i choose not to use. i believe them. i don’t think they are lies. but i know not to trust myself. so, i stay away from them. something that is only possible to do when i am sober.
my soul calls to the drugs just like the drugs call to my soul. since i have years and years of sobriety under my belt now, though, days do get easier. i have days where i don’t think about them. most days are mediocre. i think about them, but they are manageable. but on days like today…the days where every part of me yearns for them to be inside of me…Lord help me.
my skin will crawl all day. i will bleed from the inside out. the wild animal within will beat me all day long. i will scream inside, begging to be free. i will feel like a prisoner in my own body today. it will be hell. and i will fight it. all. day. long.
i will fight it, unless drugs magically appear. at this point, even 6 (i got clean 7 years ago but had a couple of relapses my first year) years in, i am not strong enough to refuse certain drugs if they were offered. so, if certain drugs crossed my path, my sobriety would be thrown away. i don’t know if i would immediately jump back on the wagon…i might. i doubt that will ever be an issue, though. i lost all of my contacts 6 years ago and haven’t heard from anyone since.
on days like today, i get physically ill at times. like right now, i feel like vomiting. the urge to use takes over body, mind and soul. it will incapacitate my entire being. being alone today will only hurt me. today is one of the few days that being around people would be very beneficial. today is one day that my husband is supportive just by being around. he never knows.
i will constantly try to change the topic. the battle in my mind will be exhausting. by the end of the day i will be dead tired.
usually at the end of a day like today i have horrible dreams.
i need to go and try to get busy. i need to try and distract my mind. i need to go and get sick.
i need this day to pass quickly.
or…i need the drugs to magically appear so that i can feel some true peace, for the first time in 6 years.