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penelopie wilson


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today i existed in a fog inside of the darkness.

i aimlessly went where i was lead, not asking questions. i did routine tasks from muscle memory that required no conscious thought. i stuck to a schedule that, thankfully, never varies much from day to day.

the fog blurred my vision even more, from time to time. my eyes still haven’t adjusted to the darkness that i find myself living in. occasionally i would bump into a wall, trip over an obstacle or not see someone right in front of me.

i didn’t care. i don’t care about anything. i’m patiently waiting, still, for the darkness to swallow me whole.

slowly the darkness is drowning out all of the outside noise, leaving me only with my own thoughts. slowly, the darkness is drowning out me…and my thoughts. the silence is deafening.

the silence becomes so loud that it echoes off the walls of my brain, screaming in my ears.

the darkness has become so strong, so black, so all-consuming that today i remained unaffected when my husband began with his usual spew of hatred and insults. what he has to throw at me can no longer reach me. i’m in a place now where the despair is on a level that he can’t compete with. his hatred, his meanness…is nothing.

the darkness is pulling me under.

when doing routine tasks today, i was unable to force polite smiles to strangers, like normal. unable to pretend like things were fine. unable to give a fuck what anyone thought. unable to give a fuck about anything.

i went through the motions of my day.

i have no desire to eat still.

i’m not thirsty

i’m tired, but still cannot sleep.

i can’t form words yet to reply.

now that i’m finally alone, after completing my daily obligations…i just lay here and stare. in the dark. in the fog.

i stare at nothing.

i think of nothing…except that he’s gone. he left. he will have forgotten about me by now. i meant nothing to him. i mean nothing.

i stare at nothing.

i am nothing.

i think of nothing.

i am nothing.

i think of nothing.

except death.

i wait patiently.

there’s no reason left to stay.

i no longer have to honor my word.

so…i wait.

please, death. come find me. take me. i’m ready. don’t make me stay here any longer.

no one will care. no one will even notice that i am gone.

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