it seems like the worse i become internally, the more i try to compensate for it on an external, superficial basis. i didn’t even realize that i was doing it. i’m so used to this behavior that it is just second nature to me now. a defense mechanism meant to keep everyone from knowing the truth.
on social media platforms, in my personal life, in texts and other correspondence i have noticed that i have become quite cheery. funny, even. which, my default is humor by nature. i really am quite hilarious. things that i post have a care-free vibe to them. i have been light and airy. charming, comical and witty. all things meant to distract and entertain. i did this unconsciously, and it has been working perfectly. i noticed the other day.
it was a bad day. a bad day all around. men cause me distress. i had gotten a notification on facebook and went to see what it was. when i went and checked it i thought to myself, why am i posting this bullshit when i feel like hell? when life is going to shit? and that’s when it all clicked. often times my brain moves faster than i do.
because here’s the truth: i fucking hate those hallmark Christmas movies. i think they are annoying as shit. i’m pissed off at the whole fucking world right now and want to say fuck you to every single person i come in contact with. i am so damn sad that i want to lay in bed all goddamn day and never get up. ever. i want to sleep the rest of my life away.
but i can’t. i can’t sleep most days and nights. i still can’t fucking eat because since mid august i’ve been sick. then he left…depression hit and my appetite left. so now i’m still sick. couldn’t eat even if i wasn’t depressed. but i am depressed and don’t want to eat. i’m tired. my body is hungry, sometimes, but i am not. and even when my body is hungry it quickly regrets that if i feed it. like i said, i’ve been sick since mid august. so,
i’m sick and fucking tired.
i’m sad and depressed. i fucking miss him. i miss him and i’m pissed off at him for choosing to leave. choosing to leave and making this unilateral decision that affects me, as well. i deserve more than this from him. and i deserve to be heard.
i just keep spiraling down. further and further down. not one single person seems to notice. how depressing is that? now if that doesn’t confirm that i am worthless and nothing…i don’t know what would. i could run around on fucking fire and no one would notice.
there will come a day when i will no longer be here. there will come a day. i have to have hope in that.
then i guess the man that left me will be free. he’ll be extremely happy when i am gone. nothing left to deal with. nothing is gone. nothing has finally left. he’ll be relieved. probably throw a fucking party. hey! maybe he and my husband will throw a party together!
until that day, i will continue to suffer in silence because i am alone. and because no one likes a whiner and a complainer. people love people who smile and laugh.
dance, i said!
as they take out their tiny pistolas and shoot at the ground i walk on. entertain or entertain a million fake questions from people who just want gossip. and for the love of GOD, never trust anyone ever again. never talk. never open up. never be yourself. even if someone pretends to care, never fall for that fucking bullshit again! liars. liars and thieves. everyone.
be the entertainer. that’s me! smiles and laughter. smiles and laughter on the outside, while dreaming of taking a gun and blowing my goddamn head off.
i hate this fucking life i was forced to live. i hate that i was created. i hate myself.
and today, i fucking hate coffee, too!